Of all the commodities you have, time is the most valuable. Every second of it is another chunk of your life you’ll never get back, a second lost to you forever. Mortal man must grab this time, use it, and live it to the fullest if he is to say he lived wisely, and nowhere is this more evident than when he is waiting outside a ladies dressing room in the mall.
There will always be times when you will be forced to wait, unproductively, for someone or something else. Watching someone else shop is an obvious example, especially this time of year, but there are also huge wedges of your life spent waiting for appointments, traffic, service, or (shudder) the DMV.
This is why I always travel prepared, ready to use that time to my own advantage.
Playing cards are an ideal way to idle along while waiting on fast-food orders. Sure, I could simply play Solitaire on my PDA, but it seems to speed up your service when the shift manager sees you actually laying out a few hands on the counter, especially if you get some of the other frustrated customers involved in a fast-paced game of Texas Hold ‘Em.
Got waved out of the drive-thru to park and wait? No problem! Get the Frisbee and Nerf football out of the trunk and the time just flies by. Extra points if you catch ricochets off the speaker box.
Hacky Sacks and Superballs fit nicely in your pocket or purse and can help you pass a few moments improving your foot-eye coordination while waiting in doctor’s offices or bank lobbies. Those are also ideal places for practicing other personal skills, such as juggling.
Nothing livens up a boring bus ride or plane flight like a kazoo.
My wife keeps a small pack of crayons in her purse because you never know when the need for personal expression will strike. Many are the place mats and Styrofoam cups she has transformed into breathtaking works of art to enlarge and embolden the spirit and not incidentally poke fun at our lethargic waitperson.
I’m not fond of GameBoys or cell phones as ways to pass time in public, although I admit to carrying a library’s worth of books on my PDA in case of long traffic lights. I prefer doing something out in the open for the benefit of other bored individuals who can now keep themselves occupied by watching, joining, or reporting me.
To return to our dressing room example, have you found yourself fidgeting in those uncomfortable chairs waiting for your friend, relative, or lover to emerge and receive your shrug of approval? Stop wasting that time and do something! Get up and wander around. Find other things you’d like to see her try on. Practice your musical scales (the kazoo comes in handy here as well).
Offer loud, helpful suggestions to other shoppers, taking into account their coloring and estimated body-fat index.
Tile floors lend themselves well to hopscotch.
Catch up on your personal grooming.
Pace off measurements so you’ll know how to navigate in the store in case of sudden power outage or explosive terrorist attack (hint: the average adult stride is 2.5 feet).
Gradually, a piece at a time, move all the really ugly clothing to one side of the shop.
Pick a stranger at random and silently contemplate how to prove that he or she is a spy, where their weapons are likely concealed, and how you could go about hiding the body before your presence is required back at the dressing room.
And hey, you’re there to help your lady. She wants you there for your reaction and your guidance, or at least your resigned scowl. Don’t just sit there avoiding the eyes of the other guys as you mope together. Instead why not band together and form a judging panel. Imagine your lady’s surprise when she comes out to an appreciative audience! She’ll love the attention, especially if she was trying on lingerie or corrective garments.
There’s never any reason to be bored, no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Remember: kazoo.
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