Are you famous? Can we watch you have sex?
It’s all the rage these days. Celebrities like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, and Vince Neil have all seen their careers skyrocket after the public got a gander of their sexy shenanigans. Well, maybe not Vince Neil.
Within minutes of the word getting out people all over the world, even people who don’t like these celebrities, were beating their computers with sticks to make them download faster. And this frenzied attention translated to increased public awareness, more job offers (some of them even legitimate) and good times for celebrity stalkers who no longer had to fantasize quite as hard.
But it’s not as easy as just throwing a tape in the camera and greasing up. For the maximum media penetration your porn debut must be carefully orchestrated so that a) you can get the publicity while still keeping your reputation safe, and b) everyone in the world gets to see your wobbly bits at least twice. You can only do this kind of thing once before it becomes your career, so do it carefully. Here’s some tips.
Wait until your career is on the skids.
This is vitally important since a badly-timed “stolen” video can ruin your life if you’re riding high. Not only because of the scandal, but because celebrities with successful careers don’t have time to have sex and any evidence to the contrary might suggest that you’re no longer A-list material. Seen any Tom Hanks porn around? See?
But when you’ve got nothing to lose a good sex tape can get you your own show, a movie deal, even a Grammy!
Pick an attractive partner.
Not too attractive (you don’t want to get upstaged) but someone that’s decent enough to look at. It’s the kiss of death to be seen sleeping with losers, it’s like getting caught showing up at the Oscars in a Chevette. Vince Neil filmed himself with porn stars, Pam had Tommy’s massive joint, and Paris was smart enough to keep the camera focused below Rick Solomon’s waist.
Use bad lighting.
Just in case the publicity turns ugly you should take care to leave a smidgeon of doubt that the naked person dripping with apple butter and strapped to the taffy puller is actually you, especially if your partner is underage, visibly using drugs, or a member of Congress. That kind of publicity you don’t need. The first night-vision release of Paris Hilton’s tape was perfect, she looked like a raccoon doing a Courtney Love impersonation.
Check out Rob Lowe’s tape for examples. You can barely tell there are humans involved, much less make out features. It could have been a Loch Ness sighting for all I could tell. And lawyers are going to have their work cut out for them trying to prove that R. Kelly’s ass is unique in all the world, like a fuzzy snowflake.
Choose awkward positions.
One of the best things about celebrity sex tapes is that they let people see that their sex symbols are human, too. Better looking humans, but still human. When we see celebrities in movies, on TV and on magazine covers they look larger, better, brighter than life, but in your tapes we can see you as just as human as the rest of us. Make this even more obvious by squatting, scooting around awkwardly, fumbling a lot, or falling off the bed halfway through. Not only will this endear you to your fans, it’ll make your later denial more believable. Like you’d let any director get your bad side like that? Please!
You might look human, but you don’t want to lose your sex symbol status, either. Hump like you’re trying to move the bed outside with your hips alone, and suck like you lost your car keys in there.
Dump your partner afterwards.
Bad enough that everyone will know just what you did with this person, but from that point on every time you bump uglies with that person you’ll wonder if it’s just a sequel and the first one was better. Also, you may not want your partner around where they can be subpoenaed, at least not until they’re old enough to drive to court themselves.
Show it to friends.
How’s it going to get stolen if no one knows you have it? It also helps to leave it out for the movers marked “Sex Tape, Do Not Steal.” If you get desperate enough or if there’s an opening on “Ellen” coming up, just stick it in a video rental box and cram it into the overnight slot at the local Blockbusters. Self-promotion was never so easy!
Time the release to break before your new project, whatever it is.
Paris’ tape came out just when her new show “A Simple Life” was starting to advertise, and it went through the roof. Pamela Anderson’s new exposure helped her launch “V.I.P.” And would Rob Lowe have made it to “The West Wing” if the producers hadn’t seen him picking up cans on Ventura Blvd. for his community service hours?
Where Tonya Harding made her mistake was letting her honeymoon tape get out after her knee-whacking scandal. If she had released it beforehand, America might have let her slide and she would have been the one in the Disney parade while Nancy Kerrigan was banished to Celebrity Boxing.
Deny it outright.
At least initially. So what if everyone can tell it’s you? So what if, during the video, you faced the camera and said clearly, “This is me!” and displayed on-screen DNA testing? You still have to deny it or you’ll be labeled a slut. You need to build up the pity opinions and get people thinking “It’s a damn shame that poor little girl got her personal, private orgy tape exposed like that. What’s this world coming to?” instead of, say, “What a whore.”
Fire lawsuits left and right and accuse everyone of libel, even if you were the one that mailed the tape out. Especially if you were the one that mailed the tape out. Then after the news dies down you can tearfully admit it, just in time to hit the next news cycle.
Give six hundred exclusive interviews explaining why you just want to put it behind you.
After refusing to talk to anyone, have your publicist approach a few respected news outlets like Barbara Walters or Jon Stewart and say you’re ready to talk about it, just this once. Cry and be brave and admit that it was you, you were deeply in love, but now you’re stronger and more confident than ever before! Also you’re single now.
After you cry at Barbara it’s time to do the stolen movie promotion junket where you appear on every TV show with more than seven viewers, host “Saturday Night Live” to make fun of yourself, and do a layout in Maxim mimicking your video poses. Strike the right combination of pride and self-deprecation and you’ll be starring on FOX inside of two months.
Sell it to Russian websites
Hey, might as well make some money off this thing.
Handled carefully, a stolen sex tape can make your career. And you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that a movie starring you is being watched every minute of every day, somewhere in the world, often in continuous loops.