There’s something special about sex out-of-doors. Whether it’s an act of mystical sensuality under the stars in the middle of a vast sylvan wilderness or a quick boink in the back of a crowded subway car, outdoor lovin’ can add a special excitement to the old in-out in-out. But, I beg you, please observe some basic, common sense rules when you decide to rough it.
• Unless you’re completely comfortable being nude in the great outdoors before the eyes of hikers, tourists, passers-by and spy satellites, wear clothes that can be pushed out of the way rather than removed.
• Never, never, never wipe yourself up afterwards with any three-pronged leaves. Trust me on this.
• Train yourself to scream out the names of local sports teams during climax, so that when you’re whomping away under the bleachers or beneath a big lap-blanket people will think you’re just really enthusuastic.
• Keep your shoes on, it’s easier to get that initial sprint going if the authorities show up.
• Never apply “Deep Woods Off” to anything you intend to put in your mouth.
• I don’t care how sexy it looks in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, beach sand is a pain in the ass to get out of those tender crevices. Bring a blanket.
• If you fall asleep outside in post-coital languor, be prepared to have to explain some odd sunburn patterns.
• Yes, the other people on the bus do know what you’re doing, they’re just not saying anything.
• There is no naturally-occurring condom-substitute available in nature (unless maybe in the rain forest somewhere), so hunting around in the middle of the night when you run out is a waste of time and just likely to result in one of those multi-county missing person searches. Bring extras, like the boy scouts do.
• I favor cool weather. Nipples pop up promptly, the more you exert the better you feel, mosquitos are blessedly few, and you might even get steam rising from the frictioning bits (see? You DO smoke after sex!).
• The “Mile High Club” has become passe. How about Extreme Sex? Skydiving, on the slopes of Everest, or in some other distant, exotic locale. The sacrificial altar at Macchu Picchu comes to mind, or even St Peter’s square? For a real kick, do it in the crowd during mass so your orgiastic gyrations are inadvertently blessed by the pope. That abandoned launch pad at the Cape would be something to brag about. How about Kennedy’s tomb? You can help keep the eternal flame burning, and give the guards something to look at. Besides, JFK would have wanted it that way.
• Always bring extra batteries.
• Try to keep moans and gasps of lust down to a manageable level, or someone will call the usher.
• Park rangers are just like pool boys, babysitters and pizza delivery guys — always ready to jump in and they’re hung like a bull moose, every manjack of them. Really. Try it.
• For those on limited budgets, there are plenty of places close to home. The roof, the pool at the Y, the middle of the street (late at night, when traffic is light), the back of your pickup in the driveway, the local park, the backyard if your yard is fenced (or if you’re quick). How about the school cafeteria during a PTA meeting? Gotta be some benefit to volunteering besides getting first pick of the cookies.
• You can’t believe what it’s like to tear off a piece on the lip of an echo canyon, just make sure you have a quick getaway ready.
• Before you indulge in some x-rated spider-swinging, make sure the swingset is rated for adult weights.
• Check for fire ants.
• Don’t you hate those long, lonely waits in the doctor’s office? There’s always plenty of lubricant and a comfortable table right at hand, and even latex gloves and tongue depressors to play with. Please keep in mind that a defibrillator is NOT a toy, except for a few hard core and short-lived S/M types.
• Churches are ideal to make out in: during the week they are often deserted, they rarely lock up too tight, and you can bump and grind in the little sunday school rooms for an extra little blasphemic thrill. Just be sure to thoroughly clean any of the toys or sacrements you use before and after. Be polite.
• Airplane bathrooms are only good for emaciated premature ejaculators. Stick with adjoining seats and a blanket.
• Before you slip over the side into the water, make sure you tie a line to your ankle. Nothing brings you out of the mood faster than realizing your boat’s out of sight, you’re bare-ass and the sun’s going down.
• The romance of making love in the pounding surf is often offset by the water rushing up your crotch, the seaweed and small marine animals that join your empassioned embrace, and the fact that everything about your lover now tastes like seawater.
• On the other hand, really gooey mud can be a blast.
• Make a game of it. Get one of those nation maps you see on the backs of Winnebagos, right next to the “Good Sam” stickers, and start buying stickers for every state in which you’ve publicly consummated. Or you could follow a strict pattern: Civil War buffs could make it a point to “re-enact” the major battles in a somewhat stickier, less lethal manner, for example. Or you could hit the states in the order they were accepted into the Union, or you could follow the Appalachian Trail. Can you hit every single guard post on the Great Wall of China?
• Grab your lover(s), hop in the backseat and have someone drive you through Lion Country Safari. There’s nothing like ragged loving while lions roar and giraffes walk majestically by.
• Try to avoid tying your lover down anywhere where youth groups camp regularly.
• If you go at it during a rock concert, make sure you’re near the stage. No one will notice.
• Above all, please remember this – if you’re caught, I will publicly disavow any knowledge of your existence. Have fun!