Tomorrow night is the debut of Fox’s new “reality-based” show Temptation Island. This is not a reality that the average person has ever experienced, although I do remember this one midnight-pizza-inspired fantasy I had once… If you haven’t heard of it yet, here’s the official description from the Temptation Island website:
“Temptation Island is a provocative new reality-based show produced by Rocket Science Laboratories. Four unmarried couples at a crossroads in their relationship and 26 singles that are looking for love travel to an exotic location to test the waters of temptation.
The couples, who are willing to test their relationships, will be set up on a variety of dates with three of the singles that best reflect their ideal mate. After two weeks of exploring the single world again, the couples will have the opportunity to discover if they have found the perfect mate.”
There’s been some controversies already, as with any good sensationalistic show, namely lotsa religious factions complaining that this encourages infidelity and promiscuity. Fox has responded that the show is not at all about sex, but about the fascinating spectacle of human beings torn between conflicting desires and loyalties. Now, this perfectly understandable situation did bring up a few questions in the minds of my spouse and myself.
• How far into international waters did Fox have to go to find an island that would host this?
• Do they honestly expect us to believe that they’re not counting on sex to sell this show? I mean, if not then why didn’t they host it in an old age home?
• Is there anyone who hasn’t heard the excuse “I was at a crossroads and I had to learn whether I truly loved you or not” and believed it? Isn’t that usually the line that comes out after “I never touched her” and “Your incessant, relentless habit of patiently loving me drove me into the arms of those 15 women”?
• Will Rudy be there? He’s great.
• If you were one of the singles and you managed to successfully seduce one of the spoken-for people, would you want them afterwards?
• If you were one of the coupled people, do you really think the singles are honestly dying to form lifelong commitments with some pathetic bozo they could snatch that easily?
• How did half of the couples ever manage to talk the other half into this? Why couldn’t we see that video?
• Do the singles get together late at night and giggle about how well they did?
• Will the singles pair off in the off-hours? Could we get some footage of that?
• Whom should we root for? “Stay together, you two! Bond! Bond!” “Nail that romantically-committed bitch, dude!”
• Does “testing the waters of temptation” include anal?
• Will they have to eat rats? Please?
• Are they limited to one-on-one pairings? Could we get a tender, emotionally compatible group of about 14 of ’em going, with lotions and 360º panoramic video?
• What kind of incredibly stupid fricking idiot manages to somehow forget the omnipresent cameras and boom mikes that are just dying to boost Fox advertising revenue by televising the slightest lapse in monogamy so that the whole world can watch every twitch and moan? Not to mention the chance for their soon-to-be-ex to watch them fool around, over and over, in reruns and in downloadable screen savers.
• Or, more to the point, if the object is for the singles to try to seduce you and you can’t keep it in your pants for two weeks, couple or no couple, doesn’t that point to deeper problems than just romantic ones?
• And the important one – why don’t we ever get invited to stuff like this?
Seriously, my wife and I would love an opportunity like this. Just imagine, you’ve been told the premise: you’ll go to this beautiful tropical island, split up, and get three beautiful people ideally suited for you spending their every waking hour, for twelve days, trying to seduce you. Wouldn’t you jump at it?
We talked it over and brought it down to two possible scenarios, both agreed-upon well in advance:
1) We would go in with the express purpose of nailing as many of the singles as possible. Singly, in groups, sequentially, concurrently and then back again. Spend two weeks seeing if you can win the hearts of all three singles assigned to you, then play them off against each other. Wear ’em out and ask for three more. Meet up with your significant other afterwards and compare totals, then head home.
“I got all three, babe! You?”
“All three, the assistant writer and the key grip! High five!”
2) Enjoy twelve days of total attention and abject adoration from three stunning people who would probably never look twice at you in real life unless you scuffed their beemer. Relish in the heady thrills of your own harem. Make them run footraces for your love, or promise to spend the evening with the first one to bring you back the left shoe from a television producer. See how close you feel like letting them get to your goodies before you reject them like the karma-driven maniac you are. Let them think they’re about to break through your heroic resistance just before you turn away in anguished (and gleeful) integrity.
“Oh Jerri, I think…”
“Yes?” (kissing along the jawline while pressing her breasts against your chest)
“I think… I think I might… love…”
“Yes? Oh, say it! Say it!” (rubbing hard against your thigh and looking up, about to plunger her tongue into your mouth)
“No!” (turning in tortured profile in proper soap opera drama fashion, just in time for her face to smack hard against your ear) “I can’t! Oh God in heaven, I can’t! Say, I could sure use another one of those great footrubs.”
Either way, it spells one hell of a vacation, and the next best thing to living here.