Tonight on “Entertainment Schmentertainment,” we take a look at what’s new in TV, movies, and sports! With your hosts, Shari Martiniminick and Kurt Brick.
“Hi everyone, we’ve got a great week coming up. Shari?”
“Tonight at 8 there’s a brand new episode of CBS’s hit new medical drama, ‘Midwife Crisis.’ Beulah will finally discover her new fiance is really a Mafia hit man who’s been dead and rotting for 18 months.”
“Say, hasn’t the star of that show, Mitch Weldini, had a little trouble recently?”
“Yes he has, Kurt, namely a sixteen-day Vegas binge which reportedly included $160,000 of damage to a city councilman and a drunken marriage to Weldini’s personal trainer’s daughter’s babysitter.”
“Wow! She’s legal age, right?”
“Those records are sealed, Kurt, but E! and the stars of Cirque du Soleil will be performing magical, musical recreations of the trial every night this week so be sure to tune in to that. Meanwhile tonight’s show guest-stars Barbara Pith, fresh from Broadway and Betty Ford. She’s also the lead witness in the San Diego Rodeo Slayings, along with the WB’s entire Tuesday night lineup who were all subpoenaed yesterday. Stick around for ‘News to Use at 10′ where she’ll talk about those tragic events and her brand new fragrance line.”
“Let’s go to the music world, Shari, where Grammy-winning hip-hop artist T-Frag was taken down outside his home in Philadelphia by sixty-five federal marshals for the brutal driveby shootings of D.J. Manilla, Too-Wide McBride (featuring Toby Bling), and the brass section of the London Symphony Orchestra. I’m predicting T-Frag’s new single will hit the charts at #1.”
“Good song?”
“Who cares?”
“Ha, ha! For a look at sports we’ll go to our sports guy, ex-Ferrets quarterback Butch Hamilton, live from San Quentin Penitentiary. Butch?”
“Thanks, Shari. In basketball Dubuque Dingos center Matt Simons will be going one on one with his greatest opponent: the home team fan who throws beer cups at him during fast breaks.”
“Didn’t Simons just do eight months probation for hitting that fan with a folding chair last year?”
“Yes he did, Kurt, and he’s also being sued by the fan who was in the chair at the time. But now he’s out and ready for payback, and word in the yard here is that the authorities plan to turn their backs Saturday night during halftime, so we could be in for quite a show. Set your TiVos now, folks!
“Major League Baseball heats up this weekend as the Pomona Pitbulls’ pitcher Jose Chinchilla faces off against the Albany Aardvarks’ record home run hitter Billy Persimmon in a furious, no-holds barred, mano a mano courtroom battle over exactly how many handfuls of steroids constitute ‘excessive use.'”
“Do you think Persimmon has what it takes to take the Aardvarks to the Series this season, Butch?”
“Hard to say, Shari. It really depends on his swing away and whether the witnesses saw him actually inject the stuff into his neck or if he was just Botoxing his deltoids as his lawyers claim.”
“Well, best of luck to him. Thanks Butch! See ya in six to ten. Sunday night it’s ‘Marry the Next Idiot to Come Along’ on FOX as hapless New York City passersby are abducted at gunpoint and forced to legally marry a random member of the studio audience.”
“Any controversial or scandalous celebrities in that one, Shari?”
“Nope. They’re all clean. We checked.”
“Forget that, then. What’s opening this weekend?”
“‘Hysterectomy Blues,’ from first-time director and two-time felony arsonist Ridley Ripley, ‘Anthony Comstock, I Love You’ which has already broken Hollywood records for pre-release litigation, and ‘Sinfully Delicious’ with Claire Dumont.”
“The industry buzz says she’s the new Streep, Shari. Would I have seen her in anything?”
“Online sex tapes, Kurt, and just last month she gobbled three bottles of Phentermine and backed her Escalade into an orphanage.”
“Oh, she was wonderful in the perp walk, I loved that.”
“Well, that’s about all we have time for. My ankle bracelet is buzzing and I have to call in.”
“That’s great, Shari, because it looks like the police coming through the studio are heading this way. My wife must have gotten loose.”
“Be sure to check the ES court docket on our Web site for the latest in celebrity news, and tune in next week with me, Shari Martiniminick-”
“-and whoever is filling in for me, Kurt Brick-”
“-for “Entertainment Schmentertainment!”