Bowing to the pressures of the fiercely competitive market, struggling television networks The WB and UPN announced yesterday that they would merge into a new network called “CW” in a move that stunned millions of shocked viewers who had never heard of either network before.
Both networks have been competing for the same 18-34 year-old viewers, even to the point of entering random houses at night and forcing hapless teenagers to watch “One Tree Hill” at gunpoint. But neither UPN or The WB have achieved financial success despite the brilliant, envelope-pushing marketing of, respectively, a schizophrenic Star Trek show and an animated frog.
Now with this new venture, named after the first letters of current network owners CBS (Corporation) and Wacko Warner (Animaniac), CW has the opportunity to trim back the failing shows, push the good ones, and otherwise cram everything together into a programming juggernaut of well-meaning mediocrity. It can’t fail.
So, coming this fall, the new CW lineup!
“Reba Hates Chris” — Chris Rock’s loveable, scrappy scamp is taken away from Bed-Stuy and placed in foster care in the Texas home of realtor Reba Hart. This transplanted child star in a strange world is sure to be a hit, especially if he gets some sort of addictive catch-phrase that will haunt him the rest of his life.
“Friday Night Sorummy Smackdown” — The sisters from “Related” have taken their convoluted card game to a new level that involves full-contact play, referees, ring boys, and bitter feuds. Watch as Marjee finally gets the approval from her family that she craves after brutally maiming all of them with a folding chair.
“One Tree Ever Seventh Beach Angst Hour” — Drama and heartache ensue in this hideously complicated morass of relatives, young love, interpersonal relationships, Christian values, bizarre plot twists, and real world events experienced in a world without, apparently, any ugly people.
“America’s Next Fixer-Upper” — Random people are plucked off the street by burly assistants to be vigorously remade into stunning fashionplates. Hostess Tyra Banks selects the lucky victim, who is then treated to a forced makeover and haircut at Cuts (will Walt make a move?), squeezed into vacuum-sealed, figure-forcing lingerie designed by Arnold Undergarments (can Mitchee keep Farrah from cutting off the circulation by mistake?), and romantically analyzed by the staff of Love, Inc. The reformed, heavily plasticized, and probably sedated result will then stagger across the runway for our viewing pleasure.
“Veronica Mars” — Veronica investigates her most dangerous and puzzling mystery yet: why “Charmed” is still taking up valuable broadcast time.
“Supersmall Naturalville” (OK, they’re both on the WB, but we’ll need the programming space) — The Winchester brothers’ ’67 Chevy Impala rolls into a small town in Kansas to investigate reports of a superstrong, superfast college student who keeps being earnest at people and who seems to show up at a lot of crime scenes. Dean goes out of his way to avoid Lana for some reason, while Sam sets up a trap to try and out-hunk Clark. Next episode: a cast member dies, but not quickly enough for the viewers.
“Some Half-Hour Comedy Featuring Brothers/Sisters/Divorced Partners/Potential Romantic Leads Of The Right Ethnic/Age Demographic Who Are Forced to Work/Live Together Despite Their Differences, Plus Their Wacky Friends and Nutty Parents” — It sells itself.
Set your TiVos, you won’t want to miss a moment! They really, really hope.