As early as next Monday, television – the one-eyed babysitter that has raised generations of us without ever asking for anything back, aside from all of our consumer dollars – could be under attack. Networks must act now to preserve this hallowed, lucrative media before all is lost.
The culprit? Writers. Dirty, filthy writers who have the nerve to demand more money when their shows or movies are released on DVDs or online, just because such things might be catching on a little. Imagine! Just because consumers will spend an estimated $16.4 billion on DVDs this year, and studios look to glean something like $158 million from selling movies and about $194 million from selling TV shows over the Web, suddenly everyone wants their “fair share.”
Well, let me remind these scribblers that thanks to the last royalty agreement crafted just two short decades ago, writers already receive a princely 4 cents on every $20 DVD of their work. Now they want more? The networks have already patiently explained how releasing shows online is merely promotional, so it would be like paying a writer royalties for a billboard advertising his show… if the billboard somehow displayed the entire show, uncut, with commercials.
Heedless of these economic realities, last night the Writers Guild met and decided to go on strike in the next few days. Last night, television went on hiatus.
Most scripted shows will coast for a while since they’ve been hustling to stockpile scripts like hurricane supplies. But we’ve already seen how even normal hiatus periods in serialized shows like “Lost” and “Heroes” can drain away the viewers, and besides that, now we’ll have to wait frickin’ forever for Hiro to get out of feudal Japan. Late night shows like “David Letterman,” the “Tonight Show,” and the “Daily Show” that rely on steady supplies of funny will be struck wordless immediately.
It’s time for the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers to do the right thing.
What? No, of course they shouldn’t give in. Never bargain with terrorists, even when your industry utterly relies on them. No, I mean studios need to fill that valuable airtime left terrifyingly empty by the writers’ walkout. Here are some suggestions.
Three words: user submitted content. Think of it as “TV 2.0.” Your only problem will be having no one to write the convivial host’s snappy patter, but you can just reuse the jokes from “America’s Funniest Videos” and the last five Oscars, no one paid attention to them anyway.
Keep The Daily Show going by simply running CSPAN and adding an overlay of Jon Stewart reacting to what’s happening on the floor. Or just follow him around, he’s a funny guy.
Need to fill more time? Open up the archives and pull out every show that you’ve ever cancelled early or treated poorly by moving the schedule around, running out of order, or pre-empting for local sports, and finally give them their night on the air. Let’s see “The Nine” and “The Black Donnellys” and “Drive” and “The Inside” and “Wonderfalls” and “Firefly” and every other show that has unaired episodes and a cult following. If nothing else it’ll be advertising for the DVD sets, for which the writers will get 3 cents each, so you’ll have that to chuckle about.
If you run out of movie scripts — and how could you, they fall out of the sky in LA — start remaking old movies. Not reimagining them or updating them for the new year or changing the dialogue in any way, remake them. Exactly. Think about it: Rob Schnieder and Jessica Simpson in “Gone With the Wind.” Will Ferrell and Lindsey Lohan in “North by Northwest.” Adam Sandler in any Jerry Lewis movie. Tell me you’re not tingling just thinking about it.
Maybe the characters in your sitcoms suddenly feel like acting out Shakespearian plays. Add a laugh track and who’ll know?
Or place cameras at the writers’ picket line and create a new sitcom about a writer on a picket line. Surround him with some quirky friends, add some madcap mixups and his signature line “Get away from me, I’m not writing for you!” and you’re golden.
In fact, buy every camera you can grab and mount ‘em everywhere. Reality shows aren’t (officially) scripted in any formal manner, so they can be cranked out by the greasy trunkful. Let’s see “Border Patrol Bloopers” and “AmsterCam” and “Who Wants to Survive Ebola” and “Survivor: DMV” and “The Slaughterhouse’s Funniest Animals” and “The Corner of Clyde Morris and LPGA Where All the Cars Wreck” and “Celebrity Upskirts.” Let’s turn on the paparazzi cameras and follow drunken teen actresses and pop stars morning, noon and night. Let’s run “American Idol” nonstop until the judges snap from exhaustion and Simon just starts punching contestants one after the other. That’s some good TV, there.
And then, once your viewing audience has been reduced to the viewers who would stare at paint drying if you put a channel logo on it, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you didn’t back down. You stuck to your guns against the pressure, the unreasonable ethics, the crippling consequences to your business, and your own financial failure.
Hey, maybe someday someone will make a movie about it.
I like the idea of reviving cancelled shows, especially The Black Donnellys which was poorly promoted when it was on NBC. I wouldn’t mind giving some of the other shows a shot either.
Good ideas, C.A. about giving the cancelled shows another chance. The Black Donnellys and so many other well- written new shows were given the shaft too quickly and without a fair chance. Come on, networks, let’s see if some of them do better than reruns. I’m betting on it.
The Black Donnellys is the best show ever. The unaired epis REALLY should be shown. Wherever that may be…