When I picked her up at the mall, she was all smiles and plastic bags. She flopped into the passenger side, gave me a quick kiss, then tore through her new stuff like a kitten through wrapping paper to produce… a game.
I was back on the road by this point, so I couldn’t really look at it. All I saw was the cover: “Who Would You Do?”
“Wanna find out?” she asked with a wicked grin.
The box contained two booklets – one for girls, one for guys. There were also instructions on how to play the game, which involved a spinner wheel and everyone taking turns with questions and everyone else guessing if the player was lying or not and a bunch of other stuff we had no interest in. Instead we did what we always do with games like this, which was to just go through all the questions.
She started. “Okay, let’s see. Catherine Zeta-Jones or Jennifer Lopez?”
“Easy. Catherine Zeta-Jones.”
“Michelle Pfeiffer or Kim Basinger? Ewww.”
“Um, Michelle Pfieffer. Better Batman character.”
“I repeat, ewww. Betty Boop or Olive Oyl?”
“Betty Boop. I don’t do neurotic matchsticks.”
“Janet Reno or Julia Childs?”
“What? That’s not in there.” She showed me. “Okay… Julia Childs. She could make me a killer sandwich afterward.”
“Rachel or Phoebe?”
“I have no idea. Which one’s which?”
“Dunno. Skip it. Goldie Hawn at age 23, or Kate Hudson?”
“Tricky. Gotta go with Goldie, Kate makes me feel like a dirty old man. When do we get to hear about you?”
“We’ll trade off. One more: Ginger or Mary Ann?”
“Mary Ann, no question.”
“Really? I’d pick Ginger.”
“Too manipulative, too high-maintenance. And I’d get tired of that song pretty damn quick. ‘I wanna be loved by you…’ C’mon, your turn.”
“Okay, okay. Um. Ben Affleck or Matt Damon. Yuck.”
“Gotta pick one.”
“But they’re both icky! Matt Damon, then. He’s probably untainted with J-Lo germs.”
“Never assume.”
“Mick Jagger or Sting? Ewww.”
“Sting can last for hours, you know.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. What about Mick?”
“It would just seem like hours.”
“Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan, duh. Jackie!”
“And he’d do all his own stunts. I wonder if his crew would be standing by in case of injury?”
“Frasier Crane or Niles Crane. Hmm.”
“I think you’d do Niles.”
“Me, too.”
“He’d appreciate it more.”
“Al Pacino or Robert De Niro? I thought they were the same person.”
“Nah. One of them’s not the other one, but the other one is.”
“Well, when he figures out which one that is, I’ll do him. Agh!”
“What, what?”
“George Bush or George W. Bush. Couldn’t I just slit my wrists?”
“G’head, pick another.”
“Not much better. Mike Tyson or Michael Jackson.”
“Go with Michael Jackson. If things go bad you can always overpower him.”
“Felix Unger or Oscar Madison. Which one was the neat one?”
“Felix.”
“Oscar, then. Okay, your turn. Elaine from ‘Seinfeld’ or Roz from ‘Frasier’?”
“Elaine. Roz is too pushy for me.”
“Dolly Parton or Madonna?”
“Odd pairing. Hmm. Madonna would be more erotic, but Dolly would probably be more fun. Dolly.”
“Dr. Ruth-”
“Yeesh.”
“-or Dr. Laura.”
“I retract my yeesh. Dr. Ruth.”
“Laverne or Shirley?”
“Laverne.”
“Samantha from ‘Bewitched’ or ‘I Dream of Jeanie’?”
“Jeanie.”
“What? Not Samantha?”
“Nah. Too housewifey. Give me the babe in the bellydancing outfit.”
“When I was a little girl I wanted to be Samantha.”
“But when I was a little boy, I wanted to do Jeanie. Next question.”
“Hmph. Jessica Rabbit or Lara Croft.”
“Jessica.”
“Okay, then. Bjork or Alanis Morrisette?”
“That’s a tough one. Alanis is fun and sexy, but how can you turn down a cute girl who smiles all the time and wore a swan to a televised awards ceremony?”
“Gotta pick.”
“Okay, Alanis, but only because she did a naked video.”
“Roseanne or Tammy Fae Bak-”
“Roseanne.”
“I didn’t finish.”
“It didn’t matter.”
“Marge Simpson or Peg-”
“Marge!”
“I have to read both answers.”
“No, you don’t. Marge is a babe. Your turn again.”
“Norm Petersen or Cliff Claven. Couldn’t I just do Carla?”
“Many have.”
“So far there haven’t been any I’d actually want to… oh my God! Johnny Depp and… Agh!”
“Yes?”
“I have to choose between Johnny Depp and Jon Bon Jovi. The only two I’d want and I have to choose?”
“Love is hell, babe.”
“Well… I’d have to pick Johnny. But I’d let Bon Jovi sing to me while I did it.”
“That seems fair.”
“Oh, this is interesting. Robin Williams or Billy Crystal.”
“Wow.”
“Robin would be really… interesting…”
“Yeah, but he’d never pay attention to any part of you for more than a few seconds, and he’d play Senor Wences with your genitalia.”
“You say it like it’s a bad thing. I guess if I was going for a relationship I’d go with Billy, and save Robin for a really wild one-night stand.”
“Maybe you could split the difference and do Whoopie?”
“Dana Carvey or Martin Short. Who are they?”
“The Church Lady or Jimmy Glick.”
“Mmm. I think I’m gonna have to go with the wrist-slitting option.”
“Carvey was also Garth in ‘Wayne’s World’.”
“I’ll just slit one wrist, then. Christian Slater or Leonardo Di Caprio. Yech. I don’t like either one.”
“Yeah, but at least Leonardo was put naked in a tub by Johnny Depp in ‘Gilbert Grape’.”
“True. Okay, Leo for the Johnny connection. Beetlejuice or… Ron Jeremy?”
“Ha!”
“Why would they-”
“C’mon, c’mon. Rotting undead malevolent insect-eating wiseass, or the Hedgehog?”
“Sigh. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Let’s see. Han Solo or Luke Skywalker.”
“Use the force, sweetie.”
“Which movie? If it’s the first one, Luke. Any of the others, Han.”
“I’ll make a note of it.”
“Dennis Rodman or Ru Paul. As if! Ru!”
“Got to agree.”
“Your turn. Lucy Liu or Drew Barrymore?”
“Drew. Although I wouldn’t be unhappy either way.”
“I’ll bet. Mimi from ‘Drew Carey’ or Granny Clampett.”
“Granny.”
“But Mimi has such cool dresses!”
“You’ve never seen Granny after a few belts of her rheumatism medicine, have you?”
“Jennifer Love Hewitt or Jennifer Lo-”
“Love Hewitt.”
“Which one’s that?”
“Who cares? She’s not Jennifer Lopez.”
“Good point. Tonya Harding or Monica Lewinski?”
“Monica.”
“Have you seen Monica lately?”
“Doesn’t matter. Tonya Harding is famous for her violent tendencies, Monica is famous for her blowjobs. My choice is obvious.”
“A Spice Girl or a Dixie Chick?”
“Uh, I guess a Spice Girl, but only if I can pick which one.”
“Donna from ‘That 70’s Show’ or Jackie from ‘That 70’s Show’?”
“Donna, definitely.”
“Lorena Bobbit or Tonya Harding?”
“Lorena Bobbit.”
“Really? Why?”
“You’ve heard my thoughts on Tonya. All we know about Lorena is to avoid treating her badly if there’s a kitchen knife nearby. I can handle that.”
“Cameron Diaz or Jennifer Lo… never mind. Elvira or Mortici… never mind, it’d be Morticia. Marissa Tomei or Leah Thompson. Who are they?”
“Marissa Tomei is the daughter in ‘Oscar,’ Leah Thompson is Mrs. McFly. I’d go with Marissa. Isn’t it your turn yet?”
“Okay, okay, Tom Green or agh!”
“Yes?”
“Tom Green or Carrot Top. Now I’m thinking of disemboweling myself and then strangling myself with my own intestines.”
“Could be worse.”
“How?”
“It could be Carrot Top or Jennifer Lopez.”
“Agh!”
The previous is, as best as I can reconstruct it, only the beginning of a very, very long conversation between my wife and myself after she bought the game “Who Would You Do?” for two bucks, marked down at Spencer’s Gifts. The options presented are all taken, verbatim, from the game, and our answers were awfully close to these. Keep this sort of thing in mind before accepting a car ride with either of us.