It’s closer to you than any of your friends. It’s always ready to support you, no matter what. And it’s always got your back, usually quite literally. Today is National Underwear Day. Wear it proudly.
Sure, a more cynical person than myself, assuming one exists, might take note of the fact that holiday founder FreshPair.com — in an amazing, soap-opera-like coincidence — just happens to sell underwear for a living. But if you go down that road you’ll start thinking that Valentine’s Day is “just” to sell candy and cards, or that Christmas is “just” an excuse for your family’s annual religious and/or secular discrimination lawsuit. And this is true, but they’re also so much more than just that. So why not honor your undies? Especially after what yours have to put up with.
After all, Americans spend more than $13 billion each year on intimate apparel — Pamela Anderson alone accounts for barely a quarter of that — and yet it’s the category of clothing you think the least about.
If, that is, you’re a guy.
Guys don’t think much about their underwear, unless they have reality makeover TV shows, because they don’t have to. They generally only buy new shorts when forced to by outside forces such as wives, girlfriends, or unexpected car fires. There are guys whose shorts possess more DNA than the guys themselves do. And selecting the proper size is easy for a guy. Can he get them on? Do they fall off? We’re done here, gentlemen.
My underwear purchases take a maximum of five minutes, tops, and this includes parking the car. My wife Teresa, on the other hand, who is not a guy, knows that lingerie designers are involved in a sinister, worldwide conspiracy to drive her completely insane. She can prove this by shopping for a bra.
Nothing flatters a woman more than a comfortable, well-fitting bra and Teresa would be delighted to possess one of those mythic creatures. However, Teresa is also what the e-mails I keep deleting describe as “busty,” and she’s had little luck in determining the proper size to buy despite the many helpful and contradictory sizing guides available at clothing stores and Web sites. Try it yourself!
First, using a soft measuring tape, measure around your body under your bust to get Measurement #1. Now add either 3 or 5 inches (Fredericks.com), 5 inches (Gap.com), 4 or 5 inches (FreshPair.com), somewhere between 1 and 4 inches (BraExperience.com), or no inches (LaneBryant.com), and round up or down to the nearest even number, unless your above-breast measurement is smaller than Measurement #1 or you’re a Scorpio on a Sagittarius cusp, in which case roll three six-sided dice and hope for the best. This is your Band Size. To determine your cup size, please contact Jet Propulsion Laboratories in California.
Using the easy-to-understand steps described at more than 20 sites Teresa quickly found her Ideal Size, which was almost definitely a size 44C. Or a 44DD. Or a 39G, a 40H, a 40DDD, a 38I, or possibly a 40DDDD, none of which, strictly speaking, actually fit. Fortunately lingerie manufacturers aren’t restricted by anything so boring as “standard” sizes anyway.
Truth is, all those women getting plastic surgery aren’t doing it so they can model beer. It’s because sadistic clothing designers refuse to accommodate humans and something has to give. Sobbing women are constantly storming into doctors’ offices clutching off-the-rack 36C bras and screaming, “Fill this up!”
I don’t want to make it sound too hopeless. Teresa has, on occasion, found bras that were comfortable and well-fitted. Upon her first purchase, these bras were, of course, swiftly and efficiently discontinued.
FreshPair.com is celebrating the day by sending out “underwear ambassadors” to the streets of New York City to mention their unmentionables while “modeling some of today’s hottest brands for unsuspecting – yet pleasantly surprised – shoppers, tourists and die-hard New Yorkers.” Just another delightfully scandalous public relations encounter for the Big Apple.
Come to Daytona Beach next year and try that, Fresh People. My wife would like to have a few words with you.
You might want to make sure you’re wearing clean underwear first.
—————–
On the Web:
National Underwear Day — www.nationalunderwearday.com
Jet Propulsion Laboratory — http://www.jpl.nasa.gov