“Paul, I have to say your review doesn’t look so good this year.”
“What? Mr. Jenkins, you’ve never complained about my work before.”
“Your job performance is fine, Paul, that’s not the problem.”
“Our company won awards for my work this year!”
“No, Paul, it seems the problem lies in your people skills.”
“What?”
“It’s here in your file. There have been issues with how you deal with those around you, and we take that sort of thing seriously at this company.”
“Someone complained about me? Who complained about me?”
“I really can’t divulge—“
“Just tell me. Was it Lucille? Did she complain about me? Anyone could have dropped the mustard bucket on her at the picnic, it was just dumb luck I happened to be—“
“No, it wasn’t Lucille, I can tell you that much.”
“Then who?”
“Let’s just say there are people in your network who are unhappy with how you deal with them.”
“How I—I barely deal with anybody, I usually stay to myself. Heh, about the only time I see anyone I recognize is on my Facebook page…”
“Yes, well.”
“…You’re kidding me.”
“I did say in your network.”
“Someone has complained about how I treat them on Facebook?”
“Apparently you’re a bit more open with your feelings on that odd little social connection Web site you’ve joined.”
“Right. So, without giving me names, can you tell me just what horrible crime I’ve committed?”
“Let’s see.. you, ah… yes, here it is. You, ahem, ‘served a bowl of pain to his Zombie Mogul’ on numerous occasions. He’s claiming grievous persecution and discrimination.”
“What?”
“He appended a printout of your mini-feed, demonstrating that you attacked him disproportionately to your other friends.”
“But that’s how you play, you go after the people you know you can beat to get the points. I wanted to get my Slayer to Undead Assassin level.”
“Quite.”
“What has that got to do with—“
“It also appears that even though, via Facebook, you allegedly consider this person to be a friend, you have never sent that ‘friend’ virtual gift, hug, smooch, flower, or cake.”
“But I—
“Somewhat antisocial for a social Web site, wouldn’t you say, Paul?”
“I don’t get into all that. I joined Facebook to keep track of my friends and coworders, not to pass around silly notes like kids in school!”
“And yet you don’t have a problem attacking your friends’ innocent vampires over and over again, do you, Paul?”
“Yeah, but that’s just…”
“I also note that your movie tastes do not align with any of your so-called ‘friends,’ nor do your political beliefs or joke preferences.”
“But—“
“Nor have you ever commented on your friends’ pictures, no matter how adorable or provocative. You have not left comments on anyone’s Wall, or sent any personal messages as far as can be determined. You join no groups. And you take insulting lengths of time to add new friends, even friends who are close to you, important in your life, and who would be distinguished additions to your network.”
“But… wait a minute, Mr. Jenkins. Did you file the complaint against me?”
“No, of course not. That’s absurd—“
“Was it because I didn’t add you right away, or was it because I wouldn’t join your “Mr. Jenkins is the Best Boss, Ever” group?”
“All I did was invite you, it was in no way obligatory.”
“You invited me every day for a month!”
“I wanted to make sure you knew about it.”
“Everyone knew about it, you put flyers for it in the paychecks. And someone kept calling my house at 2 in the morning and telling me I should join if I was a good American.”
“It’s really a fun group. We have meetings. And our own app that shows how high in my esteem you are at any given moment. And there’s a special avatar icon you can use.”
“You used a fake accent, but I could tell—“
“It’s much better than my last group, ‘Bow Before Mr. Jenkins, Your God.’ Although that one had way better T-shirts.”
“Mr. Jenkins, does my participation in your Facebook experience actually affect my job review?”
“Officially and legally, not in the slightest.”
“And unofficially?”
“If you reach around my desk to my keyboard, you can log in and join. Just click… there. Excellent! I’m sure you’ll be one of ‘Jenkins’ Jokers’ in no time!”
“Great. So, my review?”
“Yes, well, that brings up another issue.”
“Does it.”
“Oh, yes. This section of your employment record marked ‘MySpace’…”