Today marks a special anniversary for the greatest (and longest) trilogy ever told, one that changed our lives forever in a million different ways: it’s Happy Towel Day, commemorating the death of Douglas Adams, creator of the “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”
Oh, yeah, it’s also some “Star Wars” thing.
Specifically it’s the 30th anniversary of George Lucas’ original film, which opened in 32 theaters on May 25, 1977, introduced us to Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Darth Vader, Han Solo, Chewbacca, R2D2, and C3P0, and went on to make a billion kajillion dollars with five more sequels/prequels, a staggering amount of action figures and other toys, books, artwork, novelty ties, and much, much more. There is no aspect of human life that “Star Wars” has not touched, or at least been marketed at. “Star Wars,” like a bowling ball dropped into a punch bowl, changed everything and affected everyone nearby.
Which makes it impossible to write about, since in the last 30 years we’ve pretty much read everything about it. Columnists desperate for something to write about (i.e. all columnists) have talked about the movie, the making of the movie, Lucas’ dreams, Lucas’ nightmares, Lucas’ grocery lists, the other movies, the merchandise, the fans, the secret Lucas grocery list uncovered years later that revealed Lucas hated milk despite earlier reports, the prequels, the original novels, the conventions, the even-secreter Lucas grocery list that proved Lucas loved milk and showered in it but removed it from the list in post-production, and what the columnist in question personally thought when the columnist personally saw it. That last is the easiest since no actual research is required, a big plus when your deadline is looming over you like a small moon.
Except for me, because I can’t remember a thing about seeing the first movie. It was in the theater, I know, since this was before Blockbuster and bit torrents. I know I liked it, because I set aside my “Star Trek” toys (temporarily) and began demanding “Star Wars” toys, a simple little request that eventually cost us our mortgage. Who knew? (Sorry, Mom.)
I do have memories of seeing “Empire” in the theater — some degree of truancy was involved, so we could catch the premiere before everybody else in school, most of whom were right there with us — and I remember hearing, for the first time, an audience full of people gasping, cheering, and clapping at something they saw on the screen (the asteroid chase). Otherwise, I got nothing.
However, I do have a special place in my heart for people making fun of “Star Wars,” and that stuff I can recall instantly, such as:
MAD Magazine’s 1978 “Star Wars” musical parody
This I remember way more vividly than the actual movie. Already a MAD fan, I was blown away by Mort Drucker’s characterizations and the brilliant script by Frank Jacobs, featuring such songs as “I’ve Grown Accustomed to the Force” (sung to “I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Face”), “That’s What We’ve Got In a Second-Hand Droid” (sung to “These are a Few of My Favorite Things”) and Darth Vader’s version of “My Way”:
At noon…
I have a meal
Of molten lead
On shredded granite
And if…
Depressed I feel,
I wipe out dead,
A passing planet!
“Weird Al” Yankovic’s “Yoda”
Ah, the classics. “Weird Al” had already made his mark by this point, releasing spot-on parodies of songs by Michael Jackson and Madonna, but this maddeningly catchy little song to the tune of The Kinks’ “Lola” just got more and more popular until it became, paired with Yankovic’s “The Saga Begins,” his signature encore number. See it live, if you can, to catch the indescribable “Yoda Chant” in the middle.
The Star Wars Kid
I have to confess, I have never seen this video in its entirety, but I know of its results. In 2002 a fourteen-year-old Quebecois student filmed himself acting out light saber moves with a golf ball retriever. This being the age of the Internet, the video was leaked online and became an Internet phenomenon, partly because the kid was overweight and ungainly (and who doesn’t love watching that?) and partly because some people started adding special effects, sound, and music to the video until the result was cooler and more understandable than “Attack of the Clones.” Personally I preferred Stephen Colbert’s version.
George Lucas in Love
A short film by USC student Joe Nussbaum, this brilliant little piece parodies both “Star Wars” and “Shakespeare in Love,” depicting a young Lucas searching for inspiration despite the startlingly familiar faces and themes around him. It isn’t until he meets a young woman with a bizarre hairdo who tells him about her “student rebellion” that he finally finds his destiny. “George Lucas in Love” won lots of awards, was voted most popular “Star Wars” fan film, got a thank you note from Lucas himself, and even outsold “Phantom Menace” for a day on Amazon.
Professor: No. Search not. Inspiration will you not find. It will find you.
George: Could you talk forward?
The Chopped Off Hands of Star Wars
The only site devoted to George Lucas’ bizarre anti-hand stance, analyzing every single lopped-off-hand in the entire saga. Gripping! Only, you know, one-handed.
The Star Wars Blooper Guide
Every mistake, blown line, mismatched shot, or technical inaccuracy you could imagine. Probably more, actually, since you probably had something better to do with your time. OK, probably not, but you still would have missed some. This site didn’t.
Star Wars Caught on Tape
Do you remember the Donnie and Marie “Star Wars” tribute? For that matter, do you remember Donnie and Marie? “Star Wars” characters appeared in several popular TV shows, including a Bob Hope Christmas Special and The Muppet Show, but one of the most appallin… um, appealing bits was this one. Kris Kristopherson as a sleazy Han Solo, Redd Foxx as Okey Ben Pinocchi, and the late Paul Lynde as a Grand Moff knockoff. This is one you’ll seek therapy to work through.
Kevin Smith movies
Scratch away the profanity, drug references, and slacker generation wisdom of Kevin Smith’s Jersey movies (“Clerks,” “Chasing Amy,” “Dogma,” Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,” “Clerks II”) and you’ll find a man who was inspired, hard, over the head, by “Star Wars.” From Dante and Randall’s discussion of innocent construction workers on the Death Star to Silent Bob’s Jedi aspirations and Jay’s head shop light saber, Smith peppers his works with more “Star Wars” references than Lucas does. Or, as the director in “Jay and Silent Bob” (played by Chris Rock) said, “George Lucas gonna sue somebody!” Thankfully, he hasn’t. So far.
Bizarre toys
Personally I feel that the entire run of movies, books, fans, and entire “Star Wars” culture has all led up to this: The Mr. Potato Head Darth Tater. A more menacing-looking spud I have never seen, and I’m proud to have him at my desk glaring at coworkers and doing that mental death grip thing on passersby. But even he pales next to the Darth Vader Lawn Sprinkler that features “multiple spraying action” and a stream of water from his light saber. Take that, dry grass! I’m not sure how horrific an evil being can be if it can be cleaned with a damp cloth, though, and even he pales next to the Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Tongue Candy. Your child — the child you love dearly and hope will grow up with as few neuroses as possible — is supposed to eat candy shaped and textured like a tongue out of the plastic head of Jar Jar Binks. I can’t even start to tell you how wrong that is.
The Star Wars Holiday Special
I saved the best (?) for last, since this one was official. In November of ’78, in what I can only assume was an to stave off some of the unconditional love and acclaim he’d been receiving from the world, Lucas signed off on this hideous monstrosity. Imagine, if you will: two hours of singing, Art Carney, awkward comedy, Bea Arthur, Wookiee family life, interpretive dance, Harvey Korman, and the original cast plus Boba Fett in his first appearance, which suggests that his eventual fate of being slowly digested over a thousand years in the belly of the Sarlacc in “Return of the Jedi” was a long-desired blessing.
So remember this day and keep it forceful. And remember where your towel is.