Once again World Against Toys Causing Harm (W.A.T.C.H.), the helpful worrywarts of the toy industry, has issued their annual list of the most dangerous toys of the season. And once again, they have let us down.
Every year these reports alert concerned parents about playthings that can take out eyes, lodge in windpipes, or casually burst into flame during normal use. And every year I read the list and shake my head. Are we so terrified of natural selection? How are our children supposed to become strong, gain valuable survival experience, and get cool scars?
OK, maybe the hair on Animal Alley Ponies (marketed for infants) can be accidentally ingested. But so can real horse hair! And the pair of Fantastic 4 Electronic Thing Hands from Toy Biz made the list because they could cause blunt impact injuries, which I sort of thought was the selling point.
Instead of anguishing over funtastic toys that can cause, at worst, crippling physical injuries or death, why not look at the toys with the most potential for real damage? Such as these: my own Ten Most Dangerous Toys of 2005.
#1. Robosapien Jr, by Playskool. The playful antics of this funny little cybernetic fellow (which utilizes advanced ‘Bump-n-Giggle’ technology to dance, spin, bounce off walls, and deliver “zany sound effects” while his eyes light up) can dangerously erode a child’s natural distrust of unstoppable, emotionless killer robots, a weakening that will haunt us all in the apocalyptic times to come. Watch out on Christmas morning when the signal goes out from the secret home base and our new evil metal overlords all arise to go about their dread agenda while your dazzled children ooh and ahh, the fools.
#2 Toa Vakama Hordika, by Legos Bionicles. Can cause lower back pain, eye strain, and parental alcoholism due to frustration at putting the fricking things together. Comprised of approximately 4 billion microscopic plastic parts, Bionicles add unnecessary strains on a parent’s anger management skills when it is suddenly discovered that after six hours of assembly, part #2,873,449 (“Teeny Tiny Irreplaceable and Utterly Crucial Rotor Elbow Joint 3a”) is missing and the yelling begins. Oh, the yelling.
#3 Pictionary, by Hasbro. Challenging picture game that, used properly, can spark hazardous competitive nature between spouses until lifelong partners who have weathered the harshest tests of perseverance imaginable together with love and dedication suddenly erupt into closed fist fights over what that stupid squiggle was supposed to be.
#4 Dropstars R/C Dodge Magnum, by Tyco. May contribute to clinical depression when your child plays with these mightily pimped dub-style rides with huge tires, light-up rims, and plug-in MP3 player action and then, years later, has to come to terms with his actual ride: an elderly Geo that belches oil and doesn’t have what mechanics call a “complete” floorboard.
#5 Furbys, by Hasbro. Yes, they’re still around. And, like Luv Cubs, Fur Real Friends, Care Bears, and other cuddly automatons, they teach your children the valuable, never-to-be-forgotten lesson that loving, dependable companionship requires batteries.
#6 Playmobil Pirate Flagship, by Playmobil. Despite the many small parts and real working cannons this amazingly detailed toy is mostly dangerous to my wife, Teresa, who spent several fruitless weeks tirelessly combing stores in three counties for pirate-themed toys to use as decorations in her Pirates of the Caribbean-themed party, only to find this afterward when it was too late. Now I have to rush her past it in the store or she gets twitchy.
#7 Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus: Barbie as Princess Annika, by Mattel. Delusions of unattainable ideals of feminine beauty (including measurements that would make human women fall over) and mindless drives for absurd heaps of consumer products in this and all Barbies are not adequately rooted in reality and can easily detach and become lodged in your child’s brain. But Barbies have been far surpassed by —
#8 Bratz Rock Starz by MGA Entertainment. Fires inappropriate standards of adolescent dress and deportment at high velocity. There is a danger that children may be impacted with an interest in pre-teen tattoos and belly bars or “a passion for fashion” of a sort traditionally reserved for prostitutes and dead musicians. Still not nearly as bad as —
#9 Bratz Big Baby Dollz, by MGA Entertainment. Contains high levels of preschool sexuality. Confused children may become accustomed to these funkified toddler babyskanks (which display heavy makeup and teenage pop diva clothes along with their baby bottles) and may start demanding new toy lines like the Kindergarten Kollagen Kit or My First Implants.
And finally:
#10 Xbox 360, by Microsoft. Can cause severe injuries, emotional disfigurement, and death. Not for children, who face only eye strain and thumb dislocation, but for the parents trying to buy one of the cursed things. Risks include hypothermia from long midnight lines outside Best Buy, bankruptcy from paying several times the list price to anyone who even hints they can get you one, and multiple fractures from other red-eyed, sleep-deprived, desperate parents trying to get to one first.
I hope this list helps and I wish you all a happy and healthy holiday, at least until the robots come.