Last night I went to an early showing of “Superman Returns,” the first time the legendary Man of Steel has been on the big screen in almost 20 years. Or over 25 years, if you forget about Superman III and IV, and I strongly suggest you do. I have. And with this return we’ve finally received what we’ve all been waiting for: yet another new version.
Reviews have been mostly positive, but some loyal fans have objected to some of the movie’s surprising new revelations. I won’t spoil the surprise by mentioning Lois’ shocking new lifestyle choice (cannibalism), but I have to wonder; exactly which Superman are these fans worrying about changing?
Every new incarnation of The Man of Tomorrow has brought us something new. In the last 70+ years Superman has been powerful, all-powerful, powerless, cocky, polite, naive, and insightful. He’s had different costumes and different powers. He’s been an old man, a teen hero, a super-powered baby, a reporter, a news anchor, a novelist, married, and dead. There have been short ones, fat ones, tall ones, skinny ones, even Supermen with alien chicken pox. There have been multiple Supermen at the same time, and even more on different Earths/dimensions/whatevers.
But this is good, because it means that no matter who you are, you’re bound to find a Superman you like. Pick your favorite! Like James Bond, Dr. Who, and the president of the United States, you’ll probably find you prefer the first one you ever saw. Look at just a few of your choices.
ATTITUDE SUPERMAN — The original 1930s creation who worked at The Daily Star, bullet-resistant, building-leaping. He was a tough customer, throwing around corrupt union leaders and policemen and not always paying too much attention where they landed. Sample quote: “You’re treating your mine workers in a harsh and unfair manner. Let’s try digging for coal with your face!”
TOO MUCH COFFEE SUPERMAN — This would be the one from the early Max Fleischer cartoons and, later on, The Superfriends, the Superman who says! Everything! Dramatically! with a booming voice until the danger is over, whereupon he stands around with his fists on his hips and chuckles for hours and hours. Sample quote: “Hope you like looking at bars, Luthor! Because that’s all you’re going to see for a long time! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
SEMIGOD SUPERMAN — In the decades before the ’80s the Silver Age Superman got stronger and more arrogant until dropkicking the sun back in place was something he could do while composing Kryptonian sonnets before flying back in time to prevent Jimmy Olson from becoming a rock star. George Reeves captured the cocky attitude perfectly, although it still didn’t keep him from ducking whenever someone threw a gun at him. Sample quote: “My superspeed combined with my scientific acumen will help me cure Perry’s alien foot fungus while I use these mirrors and some super-ventriloquism to make Lois think I’m really married to Lori Lemaris!”
RED K SUPERMAN — Running out of ways to effectively threaten an unstoppable superhero, the writers whipped up red kryptonite, which affected Superman differently every time he was exposed. Tons of fun! Telepathic Superman, Long Hair and Fingernails Superman, Dragon Superman, Fat Superman, Stupid Superman, Amnesiac Superman … . Also, giant gorillas were often involved, for some reason. Sample quote: “This red kryptonite has turned my skin into Romaine lettuce! I can’t let Lois see me, but I have to save her from that giant ape!”
BOY SCOUT SUPERMAN –Christopher Reeve brought us this one. Boyish and charming, this superhero is ready to superspeed little old ladies across the street and rescue cats from trees before flying off to save the day. Brandon Routh’s version is a bit darker, a boy scout with a hunting badge. Sample quote: “I hope you don’t mind if I rescue you, ma’am.”
LAPDOG SUPERMAN — The super-powered presidential lackey of Frank Miller’s groundbreaking graphic novel “The Dark Knight Returns.” Noble, doing what he can despite sanctions against superheroes, and totally whaled on by Batman. Sample quote: “Yes, Mr. President.”
NEUROTICALLY PARALYZED SUPERMAN — Tom Welling’s Clark in “Smallville” and, to a lesser extent, Dean Cain’s Superman in “Lois and Clark,” this Man of Steel is so wracked with self-doubt and emotional turmoil you just want to reach into the TV screen and slap him. Sample quote: “I have to stop a bank robbery, Lana/Lois, making this the seventh episode in a row we couldn’t talk about the feelings that are tearing us up inside. Sorry.”
And many, many more! But all of them possess the basics that make Superman great. He’s an inspiration. He’s our wish fulfillment, all of us mild-mannered types who dream of throwing off our disguises and taking to the air. Adopted by this planet, devoted to using his great power to helping others, sacrificing a personal life for his never-ending job, every version of Superman throughout the years has embodied what is great about America and humanity.
And fighting giant gorillas.