Amid controversies surrounding the integrity and trustworthiness of other mainstream media outlets, one source of truth in the world is being put down for good. I suspect aliens.
American Media, Inc., has announced that the Weekly World News, the weekly tabloid that has faithfully exposed the unsuspected sasquatches, the ancient hieroglyphic chocolate recipes, and the brand of salad dressing that will melt 40 pounds from your thighs will stop publishing with their August 27 issue after 28 years of nearly-journalistic excellence. Week in and week out, every Monday morning they revealed the real world for millions of grocery shoppers who had always suspected their neighbor was really a lesbian werewolf.
Based in Boca Raton, Florida, the Weekly World News covered the news you’ll never read about in the New York Times, MSNBC, or even, frankly, the Daytona Beach News-Journal because no one else has the guts to tell you the real news. Does Wolf Blitzer care about the government’s secret plan to arrest all left-handed people and put them to work in Venusian ammonia mines? Has Larry King interviewed Elvis even once in the last five years? How can they expect to inform their viewers if they continue to ignore these earth-shattering exclusives?
“I don’t know how I’m going to go on,” said Bat Boy, 27, a frequent Weekly World News interviewee. “I’m just devastated. Squee! I know that the Internet has really eaten into the market, but I never thought it would come to this. I mean, they’re the ‘World’s Only Reliable Newspaper’. What will we do now? Squee! Squee!”
AMI, which will continue to publish lesser titles such as Men’s Fitness, Shape, Star, and National Enquirer, claimed the cancellation was due to “challenges in the retail and wholesale magazine marketplace that have impacted the newsstand.” It’s true that sales of the Weekly World News dipped from 153,000 in 2004 to 83,000 in 2006, but was this the real reason, or was there a government conspiracy spanning centuries headed by the ghost of Alexander Hamilton? Inquiring readers want to know.
“It’s clearly the work of J. Edgar Hoover, reaching beyond the grave to silence his detractors,” said regular reader Margaret Whompson, 76. “There’s simply no other logical reason. Him or the secret Harry Potter cultists.”
The 85-foot Jesus, another frequent WWN subject, blames celebrities. “How can we compete with Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears when it comes to outrageous antics,” the 7-story messiah asked in a recent phone call. “Sure, I can appear to the troops in Baghdad and show them visions of how to win, but I can’t compete with drunken bikini-clad celebutants for the news cycle. All it takes is another famous and respected actor to go on a homophobic binge on the way to rehab for the Weekly World News to appear, you know, boring.”
A request for comments from the bi-dimensional aliens from Altagon 5 went unanswered, although several thousand images of the Virgin Mary have appeared on pastries throughout the southern states in protest.
For some, there was closure. “Finally I can stop eating my own foot,” said Carl Davis Henley, 53, of Des Moines. “I could have stopped any time, you know, I’m not a freak, but the thrill of getting into the papers every few months was exhilarating. And I got great fan mail. But I think it’s finally time to give it a rest.”
But bereft readers worry that without “The World’s Only Reliable Newspaper” they will be caught unawares when supernatural events transpire. AMI said it will keep the tabloid’s Web site going anyway but experts predict that, as with other news publications that have closed bureaus and laid off staff, lowered budgets will result in less investigative reporting as the paper’s budget for out-of-the-office reporting will reportedly drop to ten bucks from their previous amount of $35, plus tolls.
Fortunately, other news agencies seem prepared to take up the challenge. Today’s Associated Press headlines included “Voracious jumbo squid invade California” and “Oscar the cat predicts patients’ deaths.”
Take heart, America. The truth is still out there.
Very funny Chris! This would be perfect story for The Onion.