“Hello, and welcome to The Proud Humorsexual! This month we’re looking at sex toys. Sensual, embarrassing, erotic, illegal, gifts from a benevolent god, whatever you think of them, what we used to call “marital aids” are hotter than ever. Far from the modest selection of rubber penii and “facial massagers” that one once found advertised in the back of sleazy magazines, sex toys these days are a thriving and innovative business. Style and creativity have, at long last, been brought to the table. Now sex toys are ergodynamic, pleasant to look at, and remarkably effective in bringing their users to climax again and again. But what of the inventions and designs that didn’t make it? We’re here with Homer Connors, president of one of the largest sex toy companies in America, Tallywhackers, Inc.”
“Glad to be here.”
“Mr. Connors, how often is a new sex toy design devised?”
“Well, Chris, we’re always on the lookout for new designs, better toys. CyberSkin allows us to make hyper-realistic dildos. The use of silicone has resulted in sexual aids you can leave out as art! It’s an amazing time.”
“But what of the ideas that don’t fly? Does that happen often?”
“Oh, sure. Not every idea is a winner, obviously.”
“Could we see a few?”
“Um, yeah, I guess. Remember, these were never developed or marketed, these are just the preliminary designs.”
“Understood.”
“Sometimes we get toy suggestions that look great, but are impractical, such as these.”
“And these are?”
“Benwa spikes. Gorgeous, aren’t they?”
“I guess, but wouldn’t they, you now, hurt?”
“Oh, yeah. Excruciating, and really tough to extract without field surgery. Same with the Whizzo Expanding Butt Plug.”
“What’s in this box?”
“For a brief time in the 90’s mainstream companies were looking to develop adult lines, but they backed off for fear of a religious backlash against their main products. Also their stuff sucked. Like this.”
“Nev-R-Glide?”
“SuperGlue’s attempt at a lubricant. I don’t think they really understood the concept. The volunteers that tested it for us had to get married, last I heard. Then we have this spermicidal foam.”
“Cervix Sealer?”
“From the people that make “Fix-A-Flat.” You can imagine the results. We thought we had something worked up with Nike brand condoms, but our marketing people pointed out that they didn’t want to try and sell a condom from a company with a reputation for going really fast. Too bad, had some great commercials already in the can for those.”
“And what’s… wow! That can’t be what I think it is.”
“Yep. A few things we whipped up to approach another big company that was sadly out of touch with the adult audience.”
“It’s… it’s a black leather hood. With mouse ears.”
“From the “Mickey’s Dungeon” series. Too bad, we worked really hard on that.”
“But “Mistress Minnie’s Cat O’ Nine Tails” has tiny little Mickey heads on every-”
“Please don’t take pictures of that, we’re still in litigation. No sense of humor at all over there. Now here’s a cool little gadget that should have taken off like a shot, but didn’t.”
“It looks like a regular vibrator.”
“Before you turn it on, let me ask you. When you were young and first starting to have sex, what made it exciting?”
“Garters.”
“No, no, I mean what added that extra little fillip of excitement? That made sex far more thrilling than just physical release could account for?”
“I dunno. Guilt?”
“Exactly! Sex when you can get caught, sex when you could be making a huge mistake, sex when you know your mother would disapprove, that’s the best sex of all. And this little baby was designed to stimulate your guilt even as it diddles your goodies. We called it the “Shame-O-Lator”. Turn it on.”
buzzzzzzzz “What are you doing? You’re killing your mother!” buzzzzzzzz “I simply cannot believe that a child I raised would do something so sick to their own body!” buzzzzzzzz “Better I should have died in childbirth! buzzzzzzzzz
“That’s, um, that’s kinda-”
“Great, isn’t? We got Sheila in the mail room to do the voice. It’s got three speeds, too.”
“Of course it does.”
“Then we got those items that belong to a successful line, but didn’t do too well themselves. We sell character dolls, sex toys you blow up, right? Only ours are top quality and are dressed in fashions designed to fit your interests. The Cheerleader is still one of our top ten sellers, but we lost money on the Tired Wife blow up doll, and the Inflatable Altar Boy just brought us more lawsuits. Or it’s something that simply wasn’t thought through well enough, like chocolate-flavored anal lubricant.”
“Inflatable-”
“Over here are the ones we abandoned due to safety reasons. The car AC adapter for vibrators, for example. We meant them for passengers only, but, well, you know how people are, especially when they’re stuck in traffic. That cost us a pretty penny to settle. And the ‘Velvet Vice’ for men-”
“I heard about that one! It was advertised as the tightest thing you could find outside a dormitory.”
“And it was. Once inserted, men could adjust it to be as tight as they wanted, using the same principles used in those air pump sneakers. Only one part didn’t test out too well.”
“Which one?”
“The safety release. Another couple hundred thousand dollars down the tubes in class action settlements.”
“I think we only have time for one more. What’s this stack?”
“Porn has always closely mirrored the cultural events of the day, usually by bringing out bad erotic parodies of first-run movies. We were looking to break into the mainstream world ourselves, a baby step at a time. Sometimes it works, like with our best selling books ‘Submissives Scream the Darndest Things’ and ‘Chicken-choking Stories for the Soul,’ and sometimes it doesn’t. These are great works of classic erotic fiction, read aloud by famous comedians.”
“‘Fanny Hill,’ read by Whoopie Goldberg?”
“That one’s not too bad, actually, but for the most part the average stand-up comedian’s style doesn’t lend itself well to erotica. Hearing Jerry Seinfeld’s voice saying ‘Could I be any wetter?’ seems to turn people off, and then this one killed us.”
“The Story of O, as read by… Gilbert Gottfried? Oh, dear Lord.”
“You see the problem. Funny guy, but not a good bedroom voice, if you know what I’m saying. One guy wrote to say that his chemotherapy made him hornier than this book. I just thank God we didn’t try this when Sam Kinnison was big. Major recall, big black eye for the company. We’re talking to the Bush administration about distributing them during abstinence-only sex ed classes, though.”
“Mr. Connors, thank you for being here.”
“A pleasure. Hey, got a minute? We’ve got a new idea for a cock ring we’re working on, and you’re welcome to try one on. It rotates, see? Really exciting, probably, and we’re pretty sure we have that overheating bearing problem just about licked-”
“Good night from The Proud Humorsexual! See you next month!”