Before I begin, let me establish a few things.
I don’t bitch for the sake of bitching. I don’t nitpick movies for the joy of finding mistakes in someone else’s work. Nor do I think my concepts for a movie should override those of the people who actually worked on the movie. I don’t care about cigarettes that jump from hand to hand in different scenes, or stagehands reflected in windows, or the minor inconsistencies that pop up in every movie.
I love the first three movies even though they had flaws and plot holes that could swallow a small moon. I can even accept the existence of Jar-Jar and other silly bits because like it or not the Star Wars movies were always intended for kids. They’re Saturday afternoon matinee movies, cliffhangers, the type that used to be serialized.
And I do, in fact, like the general plot of the three prequels. It makes sense, it ties together a lot of loose ends (loose beginnings?) and it does an excellent job of explaining how the Empire was forged, and where the Rebels came from, and what happened to the Jedis.
What bothered me, what disapppointed me, was the little stuff. Stuff that added to the flair of the first three and seems completely missing from the new ones. Stuff that knocks me out of the movie because even my belief-suspended brain can’t let it go.
Some of the little things that bugged me, in no particular order:
Aliens with accents like foreigners in 50’s movies.
The pod race where there was never, ever, the slightest hint that Mannakin was using the Force, even subconsciously. The race was too long and there was no real sense of danger or effort on his part.
There’s a lot of suffering mentioned on Naboo, but never any shown. In fact, as far as I can tell no one lives on Naboo besides the Gungans, the palace personnel, and the hordes of people brought out to cheer parades.
The introduction of C3PO and R2D2 in a location that Vader should have remembered later on. With luck the third movie will address that, and why Darth Vader didn’t recognize them. Or, for that matter, the planet he was, you know, enslaved on. Were I him in “Star Wars” and I saw the droids’ capsule crash land, I’d head straight to my old stomping grounds and start shooting, just to save time.
R2D2’s jet packs. Boy, those would have been handy later on…
Mannakin apparently forgetting about his slave mother for 10 years. Jedis don’t get paid? Couldn’t he have direct-deposited some of his cash towards a freedom fund or something?
Not getting to see any of Mannakin’s training, or his early wonder at his own abilities.
The apparent lack of journalism. If I heard rumors about a blockade, I’d at least send a photographer to check.
The lack of any good lines or mannerisms. Why should I like these people?
The lack of any reason to like Darth Maul. Ooh, he’s got tattoos and a dark cloak. Ooh, he can spin around real good. So what? Let’s see some casual cruelty, or personal quirk, or anything to convince me he’s there for any reason besides providing a new action figure. The final battle scene when he’s on one side of a clear wall, Qui-Gon-Jin’s in the middle, and Obi-Wan is on the other end annoyed me like you wouldn’t believe. What exactly was the purpose of that?
(I should mention here that I felt exactly the same way about Bobba Fett, who was built up and discarded in the same useless cardboard manner.)
Jar-Jar becoming a general, and then a planetary representative. Please. Comic relief is one thing, don’t insult me.
The Jedi Council deciding that Mannakin was too old and powerful to train. And the reasoning here is…? Nah, this gun’s too powerful to use against our enemies, let’s toss it out in the street.
The mitichlorians. The who? Where the hell did those come from?
It’s not that the prequels have more plot problems than the original trilogy – they likely don’t – but that the prequels don’t have enough reason for me to become emotionally invested in them, and so I notice the plot holes more.
Now, having complained, the Armchair Script Doctor will solve these problems. Here’s some suggestions for Phantom Menace.
Change the alien accents, or use subtitles.
Add some scenes to show us that Anakin has the Force in him. Let Qui-Gon see Anakin absent-mindedly reach for a tool that jumps into his hand without him noticing, or run his hands over a machine before going right to the section that’s broken. Let him get imperiled in the pod race and then concentrate until his pod rights itself, let his eyes roll back a little while he miraculously dodges obstacles, something. Mostly, give us some visible symbol that shows he’s Using the Force.
Even having Anakin grab Jar-Jar’s tongue in mid-air after seeing Qui-Gon do it once would be something.
Let Qui-Gon explain the Force to Anakin by showing him instead of telling him. Not only has Anakin never seen it, but it’s been many years since the audience has seen new Force moves and it would have helped. Also a good spot for Anakin to get to do something to prove to himself (and us) that he’s Force-ful. Dump the mitichlorians. Let Qui-Gon test Anakin with some kind of simple mental exercise, like moving a small rock. See how this works:
“Very good, Anakin. There’s not many that can do what you just did. Now, I want you to try pushing it towards me, but this time I’m gong to try and push it towards you. It’s not a perfect way to test how strong you are in the Force, but it’ll do for now. Ready?”
The stone shivers, then moves slowly towards Qui-Gon. He closes his eyes and smiles. The stone stops and moves steadily back towards Anakin. Anakin frowns and concentrates. The stone stops. Obi-Wan looks at both of them, starts to look concerned. Qui-Gon isn’t smiling anymore. The stone shakes violently in place. Suddenly it whips across the room. Qui-Gon ducks just in time for it to miss him and shatter on the wall behind him.
Anakin opens his eyes. “Was that good?”
Qui-Gon looks stunned. “Yes, yes, that was excellent. You should run along now.” Anakin leaves.
Obi-Wan looks at the rock shards. “How strong is he?”
“That’s only happened to me once before.”
“With who?”
Qui-Gon looks down the hallway after the boy. “Yoda.”
See? Tense, visual, we get a sense of the boy’s power, and it makes the Jedis edgy right off.
Lose the “Anakin’s virgin birth” reference. When Qui-Gon asks about his father, let his mother just smile and lower her head or say it’s too painful to discuss or something.
Anakin’s mother should give him something of hers when he leaves. We need a connection between them that the audience can see. Personally I wouldn’t have minded hearing Anakin ask if they can free her, too. Be nice to know he tried.
Show us the suffering on Naboo, something besides the single shot of people being led away. I had real problems believing tales of misery and woe from an elected Queen who can’t wear the same extravagant outfit twice running (mistaken identity nonetheless). Could we see the blockade blocking something? Are medical supplies running low? Are they starving? What?
The underwater chase scene was wasted. That should never have been some sea monster, it should have been part of the blockade, Sidious’ soldiers chasing our heroes underwater, possibly while hunting for the Gungans. That way we wouldn’t have had the sense of a dropped-in-for-the-video-game aspect, it would have progressed the plot and shown us how dangerous the situation is, and we would have had a better sense of “our heroes are in constant danger” from then on.
The first Darth Maul fight. Give us something fun. Let him alternate between fighting the Jedis and lopping off sections of their ship, just to show off.
When Qui-Gon introduces Anakin to the council and announces he’s the chosen one, a smart-ass line from Obi-Wan would have been well-timed. He’s got a personality, right? Right? Qui-Gon should argue forcefully but then give in. His announcement that he would train the boy anyway should be made after they leave the council. “So what do we do now, master?” “We train him anyway.”
Some scenes showing us more of the fighting in the Senate might have helped, and the ridiculous floating Mickey Mouse shoes need to just go away. They didn’t have the sense of grandeur or majesty that even a small courtroom can have. Put ’em in tiered seats and let ’em argue.
Give us a scene where Obi-Wan and Anakin butt heads, instead of Obi-Wan just not liking him. We need a reason for the animosity and the scene would allow us to identify with one of the other, depending. When Obi-Wan apologizes to Qui-Gon for his attitude towards the boy, Qui-Gon should have told him “I’m not the one to apologize to.” Nice place to strengthen (or worsen) the relationship between Obi-Wan and Anakin.
Jar-Jar should be shoved in with the front line foot soldiers, where he could have had exactly the same misadventures.
Give Darth Maul some scenes to be cool in. I don’t mean flipping his saber around real fast, I mean like killing someone indiscriminately or showing him track the Jedis down in a clever and unexpected way.
I can live with Anakin getting stuck in a fighter on autopilot. But lose the unbelievable accidental crap. Let him exhibit whatever visual Force-using method he did in the pod race (see above) and dodge stuff. This is also a spot where the humor of the first three movies was missing here. Anakin should have fired on something that caused the people on the planet more problems first, like knocking aside a laser that took out the top of the building the Jedis were climbing on or something. After he crashes into the bay, let him ask R2 what that big thing over there is. R2 tells him it’s the reactor port, and that damage to that could kill Anakin as well. Let Anakin shoot it (on purpose) anyway, and then get pleasantly surprised when his ship escapes damage. That can be as miraculous as you like since that character will have “earned” it in the eyes of the audience.
Big fight scene with Darth Maul – again, make him interesting and not just skilled. He fought gracefully, let him be playful. He should manuever the two skilled jedi into each other, or get past their guards to make crippling blows a little at a time. Lose the force-field scene, it could just as easily be done by having the three people fall into a new scene and stand there, facing each other, waiting for a move. Maul could pace, Qui-Gon could stand peacefully, Obi-Wan could do whatever it was he did. Personally, I’d have liked the ending to have come like this: Qui-Gon quickly realizes they can’t beat this guy. For possibly the first time in the movie, he’s flustered, and he’s fearing for his apprentice’s life. Finally he works himself around so that Maul can kill him, knowing that it’ll leave Obi-Wan an opening to kill Maul in turn. Obi-Wan does so, proud that he beat the guy, finally doing something right after playing second banana to a kid the whole time, then he sees the cost