You knew it was coming, you knew it had to happen… The Armchair Script Doctor takes on Superman Returns.
Plenty of missed opportunities here, with fairly easy fixes. That’s the goal of the Armchair Script Doctor. I don’t tear apart, I offer only minor tweaks. I may have the scenes slightly out of order, this is from memory. Here’s what I would have changed. If a scene is not mentioned, assume I thought it was perfect.
The opening stays, although I was unclear whether the burned out planets were in our solar system or Krypton’s or something in the middle.
In the beginning Martha Kent is seen at home, but not doing dishes. Instead she is sitting at the kitchen table, carefully writing another postcard. In front of her is a file folder which apparently contains information and pictures of Tibet. We don’t see all of what’s she’s writing, but words like “home soon” are visible, as is her hand signing the card with Clark’s name. The address is Lois Lane, c/o The Daily Planet. Clearly she’s been doing these for awhile. Her hand shakes, we see her face, which is upset. On to Clark’s arrival as before.
When he wakes up Clark scans the news as before to catch up, a bit puzzled at how much has changed. When he sees Martha he’s a bit surprised at the additional lines, then finds out that rather than the few months he thought he was gone, it’s been five years (he didn’t have a way to judge time distortion during the trip). Shock, dismay, despair at what everyone must have thought, the realization that he screwed up. He tells Martha about being alone, same as the movie.
Clark shows up at the Planet. No problems here. Finds out about Lois, still stunned and upset, but not shocked or surprised. Of course she’d move on. Still goes drinking with Jimmy.
Rescue of the shuttle/plane. Not as much time spent on the buildup, not as much time launching the shuttle to orbit. Rescue the plane as before, same landing, same public adoration. Little more reaction from Superman would be good – it’s been five years since he’s been adored, let him smile and wave a bit. Same blowoff to Lois, she still faints.
All the Lex scenes up til now, all the Superman rescues, no worries.
Superman’s rooftop talk with Lois. He starts out confident, as before, but breaks a little when he admits he only expected to be away for a few months and everything’s changed. Now she’s still mad at him for not saying goodbye but she (and we) also feel a little sorry for him that he’s going through this. More talk about her article and the thought behind it, let’s see that she didn’t write “Why the World Doesn’t Need Superman” out of spite but because she really thought his presence was retarding humanity’s growth, or whatever. I assume there was enough reason in the piece to earn the Pulitzer, let’s hear it. Even better, let’s see Superman recognize the validity of what’s she’s saying, making him even more of an outsider.
I’d want to work this out a bit — it may be unworkable — but it would be nice to see Lois a bit awkward here about her life.
“When you left… I thought you were… you’d been… I didn’t handle it well.”
Superman: “Lois… I…”
Lois: “Richard was there for me.” More confident, a little challenging. “Always.” Implication being that a) Superman wasn’t, and b) she jumped into an intimate relationship with Richard faster than she might have ordinarily because she was so upset about Superman being gone.
Superman: “I’m here for you, Lois.”
Lois: “Yeah. But will you be here tomorrow? You didn’t tell me you were going, even for a few months. What else aren’t you telling me?”
He has no answer, and flies off. Continue with the scene as before.
All is good until Lois is trapped on Lex’s ship. Lex’s plan is to create a new continent in the Atlantic Ocean (“See, dad? Someone is making more land!”). It won’t destroy North America per se, although there will be a lot of coastal flooding. Say, Metropolis is on the coast, isn’t it?
Ultimately Jason saves her by hitting the guy with a piano (but not killing him).
Lex launches the kryptonite crystal.
Clark, Richard, and Jimmy are trying to find Lois. They see the maps on her desk with an address circled, they start to head out for it when the power blows.
Out in the ocean, the crystals start to form.
When the power comes back up, Richard, Clark, and Jimmy talk about whatever’s happening, Lois will be right in the middle of it. News reports come on about a strange thing in the Atlantic, and jets have been scrambled to investigate. Richard and Clark: “Lois!” and they run off in different directions. Superman heads out over the water but, like before, he has to go back and save Metropolis. This gives us time for:
Lex is looking around his new island. There is no Kryptonite visible, just black outcroppings. The girl and his henchmen bitch about the barrenness but he promises the next ones will be fertile, paradise on Earth. This first one is for a specific purpose. He goes to an area in the middle and, holding his breath, he waves his hand over the ground in front of him. After a pause, a control panel very like the one in the Fortress of Solitude appears. Black, like the rest of the place (in fact, by now it should be apparent that he’s created an evil version of Superman’s home). He starts hooking up one of the laptops to the control panel. He places a crystal in the panel; everything lights up with an evil glow.
Richard rescues Lois and Jason, Superman rescues them all.
The jets show up. Lex types furiously on the laptop. Beams of force erupt from the base of the control panel and take out the aircraft without a second’s hesitation (there’s a colorful streak across them just as they explode). Jor-El is alarmed. Lex loves it. “Bring it on! I can take out your ships, your nukes, anything you’ve got!”
Superman lets the pilots go to parachute safely down before he flies back to land directly in front of Lex, a look of disgust on his face when he sees the evil control panel running off to the side. Lex is not only threatening the world, he’s screwing around with Superman’s heritage.
Superman: Anything?
Lex smiles and punches him. This happens fast, so we don’t have time to register that there’s Kryptonite here (and neither does Superman, who let the punch land without fear and was thus completely taken by surprise when it knocked his ass down). The thugs beat him up and he lands in a crevice, splashing the water out so now we can all see just how much Kryptonite is under the rocky surface (answer: a lot). Maybe not so much “Passion of the Superman,” this time, though. Lex pontificates that Superman could have ended world hunger, provided housing for all, but never did. Now Lex will, and the world will truly understand who was the greater hero. Superman tries to explain, using some of the same reasons Lois gave for the world not needing him, but Lex stabs him.
The world’s militia is mobilizing. More aircraft and a missile or two show up and Lex swats them down like he’s playing a video game. He tells the thugs to ready the next crystal. Lots of destruction, clearly Lex is unstoppable.
Same rescue by Richard and Lois, same recovery. This time Superman pauses before flying off and tells Lois, “This time I’m saying goodbye.” He leaves.
Lex shoots at him and Superman takes it full in the chest. It doesn’t kill him, but it does blow a big hole in his shirt and knock him back aways. Lex is frustrated. How many times does he have to kill this guy.
Superman is hurt, he can’t get close, so he flies up and does the sun thing before zooming down and heatbeaming the base of the island. He hits the surface of the water spread-eagled so the wake smashes across the island washing the henchmen over the side into the ocean. Lex and Kitty manage to avoid being swept away. Lex hands Kitty the crystals; she starts to toss them but he grabs them away from her.
Lex: Why do women always foil me and help him? Is it the hair? He has better hair?
But he stumbles and loses them in a crevice when the island shakes and the place falling apart convinces him to get to the copter as the island begins to rise.
Superman pushes the island up. As chunks fall off and more Kryptonite is exposed, he cries out, obviously in pain, but doesn’t stop. Finally, with his last burst of strength, he shoves the thing towards the sun. He has time for one last “Goodbye, father,” before he falls.
The island hurtles towards the sun.
Superman falls.
We see the surface of the island heating, the water boiling away, the crystals starting to explode. The control panel melts and sparks.
Superman hits the ground.
He’s rushed into the hospital. Same as before, except his uniform does not get ripped like an old T-shirt (although they’re welcome to try). We see doctors carefully removing the hundreds of tiny Kryptonite shards stuck in his bleeding hands. He flatlines, they revive him as before.
Lois visits. Same deal, but shows up before they leave — he gave them their privacy — and on the way out he mentions “I thought he got strength from sunlight.”
Lois: He does.
Richard: So why were the blinds shut? Don’t you guys have a solarium or something?
The doctors stop, stunned. Then things happen very quickly. Superman revives, waves to the docs, and flies away to the cheers of the crowds. He spots Martha and flies off to reappear as Clark in the crowd. She nods at the teeming mob. “Still think you’re alone?” He hugs her. The message is clear: he has a parent who loves him, right here.
Closing scene. Still peeks in on Jason, but not so much with the father-son stuff. Does he know? For that matter, do we know? Leave it unclear. Same close with Lois, and he flies off into the sunset.
This was written before I read Marv Wolfman’s excellent novelization, where some of these points are addressed. Were they in the script and left out? Did he fix them himself? Dunno, but that version worked where the movie version failed. Bryan Singer’s Superman is a whiny, abandoning, stalker of a superhero. Just the simple change of having the 5-years-gone be an accident would have made him sympathetic and tragic.