[We see a smartly dressed, impeccably groomed young man sitting in his living room. He is surrounded by elegant furnishings and exquisite objets d’art, but still he is anxious and fidgety. We hear his voiceover as the camera pans around the room.]
LUCIUS: I thought I had a good life, I truly did. And I’ve found the perfect man in Dominic. [The camera focuses on a portrait of Dominic. He is pleasant looking and trim.] We’ve been just darling for each other, but lately he’s been drifting away from me. I’m afraid I’m just not… masculine… enough for him. I’ve heard rumors he’s been seen hanging around biker bars and Young Republican rallies, and I’m terrified I’ll lose him. [The camera returns to Lucius, who looks imploringly at us.] Please help me become more manly?
[Instantly the screen explodes with the stylized logo: a chrome wrench smashed through a beer can. The call goes out and we are introduced to the F-ed-Up Five: Tom, who’s in charge of grooming (he’s seen digging intently at something in his ear, with a barbecue fork), Dave, the interior decorator (as he pushes more dirty clothing under his bed until it achieves vertical), Meat, the chef (seen pouring chili sauce into a bag of potato chips), Vinnie, who handles fashion (pictured making an original design by scrawling “I’d Like To Bang” in marker on a Britney Spears t-shirt), and Pete, the culture guy (shown at a strip club shoving the dancer out of the way so he can see the game). The Five shamble down the street towards us, belching, until Pete kicks the camera over.
We cut to the Five climbing into a decrepit Ford truck (after a brief fistfight for “shotgun”) and driving off in a cloud of thick black smoke.
Lucius is picking nervously at the weave on his futon when a horrendous crash and oddly harmonious tinkle accompany a loud knocking. He opens the door to see Tom, Dave, Meat, and Vinnie push their way in. Pete is still on the porch in a life-or-death struggle with the wind chimes.]
DAVE: So you’re him, huh? Christ.
MEAT: We may have to tear him down and build from scratch.
MEAT: (offscreen, from inside the kitchen) His spices are alphabetized!
LUCIUS: Would you like to sit down?
DAVE: Hell no, I’m afraid the couch’ll shatter. Where do you crash?
LUCIUS: Crash?
DAVE: Sleep, jack off, throw up, you know. The bedroom.
LUCIUS: Oh, of course. Right through there.
[Dave disappears down the hallway. Crashing noises are heard. Lucius turns in time to see Pete ball up the remains of the chimes and drop-kick them into the street.]
LUCIUS: Excuse me?
PETE: Goal! Three points, and the Indians win the Superbowl!
TOM: Nice one!
LUCIUS: Aren’t they a baseball team?
[Pete and Tom smile slowly at Lucius.]
PETE: Good man. This won’t be as hard as I thought.
[Lucius returns a hesitant smile which fades when more crashing is heard from the bedroom. A scream is heard and Dave appears, walking quickly, as if fleeing a bomb site.]
VINNIE: Cockroaches?
DAVE: No. I found his porn stash. There were no women involved.
VINNIE: Yikes. Soothe yourself, my man.
[Dave hurries over to Lucius’s home theater system and flips channels until he finds a beer commercial, at which point he heaves a deep sigh and watches intently. Confused and embarrassed, Lucius jumps when Meat comes up behind him.]
MEAT: We need to talk. Come in the kitchen. First of all, what is this?
LUCIUS: Spices shouldn’t be alphabetized?
MEAT: You shouldn’t have enough to need to. You need a big thing o’ salt, a can of pepper, some steak sauce, and ketchup, and that’ll handle any seasoning job you’ll ever have. There’s only one time in your life when you’re allowed to act like you’re using secret herbs and spices.
LUCIUS: When’s that?
MEAT: When you barbecue. Every guy acts like he has the greatest secret homemade barbecue sauce in the world.
LUCIUS: And is it?
MEAT: Nah. Ketchup and steak sauce, with some pepper. Maybe a little salt. That’s what you’re gonna do tonight, is barbecue dinner for your DummDumm guy.
LUCIUS: Dominick?
MEAT: Whatever. While you’re busy here, I’ll go out and get the steaks. Easy tip for always getting the right cut of meat?
LUCIUS: Yes?
MEAT: Just buy the biggest and most expensive one. Bound to be good. See ya.
[There has been a steady crashing sound in the background, like a slow garbage compactor. Lucius hurries out to see what’s going on and faints dead away. The living room has been transformed, or possibly devolved. Somehow Dave has managed to fill the futon with piles of dirty laundry. There are Playmate posters on the wall, several bags of chips and Cheetos wedged between the couch cushions for easy access, and the makings of an impressive beer can pyramid arising on the coffee table. Even the white carpet has been made somehow darker, with an oily sheen to it. Dave is sprawled across the laundry, trimming his toenails, while Vinnie is reaching under Dave for clothes to examine and discard. Both of them stop what they’re doing to watch Lucius drop.
DAVE: Cool, he likes it.
[Commercials: Briggs & Stratton Engines, Remington, and Budweiser.]
[Lucius wakes up in his bedroom, although it takes him a few minutes to place it.]
LUCIUS: Wha… what happened to my things?
DAVE: First off, guys don’t have “things.” Guys have stuff, or shit. Second, I tossed it.
LUCIUS: It took me years to collect those, uh, shit.
DAVE: And that’s another thing. Guys don’t collect stuff. Stuff just kinda collects around guys. Although you can have baseball cards if you kept the ones you had as a kid, and having a full run of Playboy is just good common sense. Tell me, Lucius. How many hours a week do you spend doing housework?
LUCIUS: Goodness, I… I mean, aw, hell, I don’t know. Four or five?
DAVE: Oh, man! Think of all that TV time wasted! Look, that pile over in the corner looks bad, right?
LUCIUS: That’s my spring wardrobe!
DAVE: Sure. Anyway, it looks messy, right?
LUCIUS: Yes!
DAVE: So you kick it around a little. See, now that I’ve spread it evenly around the room, it doesn’t look as bad, does it?
LUCIUS: I guess not…
DAVE: Anyone coming in would think that you just haven’t picked up yet today. A few things on the floor is nothing! Add some empty McDonald’s boxes and some Coke cans and people will think you’re a busy guy, way too busy to worry about superficialities such as housework or personal hygiene.
TOM: Did I hear my name?
DAVE: (innocently) No, I didn’t hear anybody yell “dickweed.”
[Tom, laughing, punches Dave in the shoulder hard enough to knock Lucius, who was next to him, off the bed.]
TOM: Ha! Good one. Get up, we need to talk about your hair.
LUCIUS: What’s wrong with it? It’s neat and clean.
TOM: Why ask a question when you already know the answer? You’re obviously washing your hair every day, right? You need to give it a rest every now and then and let your body’s natural oils return.
LUCIUS: So how often should I wash it?
TOM: Whenever it gets something in it.
LUCIUS: Excuse me?
TOM: Motor oil, spider webs, that kind of thing. And look, you trim your toenails. Why take away one of your natural weapons?
LUCIUS: What?
TOM: God gave man claws for a reason, Lucius. Don’t disarm yourself. Or disfoot yourself. Whatever. And you need to work on your shaving.
LUCIUS: What am I doing wrong?
TOM: Shaving. Guys need a rough coating of bristles on our faces, it’s a way of keeping people from snuggling against us. Like back hair.
LUCIUS: Are all guys that defensive?
TOM: Nah, mostly oblivious, but it works out the same way. Here, I’ve modified your razor by snapping out the bottom blade and leaving the top two. Now when you shave it’ll leave a two-centimeter beard, you’ll want to keep that. It’s easier if you shave at night, or even the afternoon before, so you’ll have a nice growth back. Facial hair is a masculine characteristic, use it. Your face looks smooth, feminine. Get some fuzz, guy.
LUCIUS: Okay… Where are my cleansers?
TOM: Drain. Look, all you need to do when you wash is to get clean. One bar of soap does it all. Body, face, hair, everything. This is the only specialty cleanser you’ll need.
[Tom brings out a slimy bottle of “Orange Heavy Duty DeGreaser.”]
TOM: This is for those automotive stains that even Dial won’t get out. Just leave it here behind the faucet so you can find it.
VINNIE: (off-camera) Hey, it’s fashion time, you assholes!
[Everyone troops into the bedroom and collapses. No matter where they sit, each of the F-ed Up Five takes care to take up as much room as possible without coming close to touching each other. Vinnie stands up with Lucius and begins handing him clothes.]
LUCIUS: I thought we’d be shopping?
VINNIE: Guys don’t shop. Guys just wear things until they disintegrate, and by then someone’s usually bought us something. Girlfriends will get you shirts, parents will send you stuff at Christmas, beer promotions usually have free t-shirts. Why waste the time? What I did was take your wardrobe and guy it up. Here, put these on.
[Lucius begins to disrobe. The Five immediately turn their heads away, but Vinnie peeks back.]
VINNIE: Whoop! Hold the phone, we need to deal with this right now. What’s that?
LUCIUS: My underwear.
VINNIE: Can’t be, it’s not white. Underwear is plain white, either jockeys or boxers. Boxers can have a design on them but only if it’s tacky or holiday-related. And you can never, ever throw them away.
LUCIUS: What if they get soiled or have holes in them?
VINNIE: So? Would you give up on your best friend just because he got dirty? I have underwear that’s been with me through thick and thin, it means too much to me to throw away. Besides, they’re like blankets: the more you use them, the softer they get. Here, I don’t usually do this, but…
[Vinnie unzips his pants and lowers them enough to reveal the top of his underwear. Only the elastic band is visible, as the cloth has completely ripped away from it, leaving only a thin strand of cloth holding them together. Lucius looks horrified and fascinated.]
LUCIUS: But you said they had to be white.
VINNIE: Used to be. Here, get dressed.
[Lucius stands before them in his new splendor. The Five cheer raggedly.]
VINNIE: There you go! You got yer all-purpose Levi jeans, good for any social occasion from fancy dinners to weekend yardwork. You got yer t-shirt with the snappy slogan on it–
TOM: Can’t go wrong with the “Big Johnson” line.
VINNIE: — and it’s useful. T-shirts absorb water and sinus mucous, they’re easy to put on in the dark, and you can roll your cigs up in the sleeve for a stylish look. You don’t even have to wash ’em much, just spritz ’em with some deodorant. Then we got yer baseball cap. Adds class, covers the dirty hair, and provides more room for personal expression. This one says “Are you coming to come quietly are should I wear earplugs?”
DAVE: Har!
VINNIE: I got you a bunch of different caps for different occasions, and some more t-shirts. Also got you a plaid flannel shirt, for elegant evening wear..
LUCIUS: What about more pants?
[The Five stare at him.]
PETE: Why? You got jeans.
VINNIE: And the piece dee resistors, I got yer shoes. You get two pairs. Pair o’ brown shoes for weddings and funerals, and a pair o’ sneakers for everything else.
LUCIUS: Nikes?
VINNIE: You wish. WalMart, whatever’s on sale for less than $20. You buy more after these rot off your feet, and then you keep them round anyway for fishing and four-wheeling.
LUCIUS: What about my jogging shoes?
[Vinnie holds up the sneakers.]
LUCIUS: Cross-trainers?
[Sneakers.]
LUCIUS: Clubbing?
VINNIE: Are you more interested in getting ready for the club, or in going to the club?
LUCIUS: So the point is to get there on time, instead of obsessing over how I’ll look when I get there?
PETE: Hell, no. The point is that you don’t care how you look.
LUCIUS: Does that make me more powerful?
PETE: Hell if I know, you just don’t care. See, all guys everywhere know that they’re basically all right, and they could do anything anyone else can do if they just exert themselves a little. We know we’re putting on a few pounds, but we also know that if we did a few pushups we’d pop right back to our high school weight.
MEAT: Dude, your high school weight was 260.
PETE: Shut up. I can get back to that any time I want. But knowing we can do that means we don’t have to, and we’re confident in ourselves. Now, we need to talk about you.
LUCIUS: What about me?
PETE: Lucius? Sounds like a French poodle. No guy name ever has a “shoosh” sound in it. You’re “Luke.” And you gotta stop trying to change yourself to make your lover happy. You’re you, and they’d better like it or else.
LUCIUS: Then why are you here, helping me?
PETE: Duh, we get paid. Besides, we get first pick of all your stuff we throw out. Now, since you know in your heart how great you are, it’s only right for your lover to want to do things for you. Get you beers, sandwiches, handjobs, whatever. You just stay on the couch, watch TV, and let it happen.
LUCIUS: But how do I express my love for Dominick?
PETE: You haven’t left, have you? What more do you need to do? You guys make this so complicated. Now c’mon, the guys have to finish up the house and we’ve got to go get your tattoo.
LUCIUS: My what?
[Commercials: Old Spice, Advance Discount Auto Parts, Outback Steakhouse. When we return we see the F-ed Up Five assembling in their basement to watch the show. The place is appalling, like a rec room that’s been used to house virulent dysentery patients and then exposed to the elements for four years. Pete, Dave, and Vinnie grab the couch. Meat serves snacks by pitching bags of chips and cans of beer without warning at the others. Tom is whacking the side of the 15″ television.]
TOM: Okay, he’s up!
PETE: Hope he remembers all that crap we taught him.
DAVE: Look, there he is!
[Lucius is sitting primly on the couch, looking around at the mess. He looks at his watch, starts to get up, and then shakes his head, sits back down, and grabs the remote.]
TOM: Yes! He’s waiting until the last minute, good man!
[Lucius flips channels until he finds a cooking show, then firmly flips one more to a truck rally. He watches with a determined expression that gradually changes to disbelief, then a vague interest that becomes more intense by the minute. As soon as the first commercial appears he lunges for the remote and starts flipping through channels again.]
PETE: Oh, perfect! He’s channel surfing!
VINNIE: We didn’t even tell him to. He’s a natural.
[Time passes. A knock on the door startles Lucius, who had fallen asleep watching wrestling. He stumbles to his feet, beer cans spilling off his lap, and answers the door. It is Dominick, who appears confused.]
DOMINICK: Luscious? Is that you?
LUCIUS: Call me Luke. Is it time already? Jeez, hang on, be just a minute.
[Lucius staggers off to the bathroom as Dominick looks around the place. He cycles through a lot of facial expressions. In under two minutes Lucius comes back out, finger-combing his hair. He is unshaven, wearing his jeans and old sneakers, and is carrying a Lakers t-shirt. His shoulder sports a new tattoo: barbed wire winding around a rainbow. Dominick is visibly surprised.]
PETE: This is great! Dominick is totally gobstopped!
DOMINICK: What in the world did they do to you? Pumpkin?
LUCIUS: It’s all me, babe. Hey, what do you think about some buffalo wings? Come on, let’s blow this place.
MEAT: Beautiful! Just the right amount of culture and cuisine. I’m proud of him.
[Lucius pulls his shirt on. As he passes Dominick he reaches and grabs Dominick’s crotch and makes a honking noise. Dominick jumps.]
LUCIUS: Maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll get lucky.
[He shoots Dominick with his thumb and forefinger and stalks out of the apartment. The camera focuses in on Dominick’s face, which is beginning to display signs of lust. Dominick hurries after Lucius. Outside you can hear a car starting.]
DOMINICK: Luke? Hey lover, wait up!
[Dominick rushes out. The F-ed Up Five start laughing and high-fiving each other.]
DAVE: Guys? We done good.
MEAT: Hey, Luke deserves a lot of the credit. Not all of it, of course, but he did great.
PETE: He really did. He knew Dominick wanted a manly man, and he gave him one, There’s gonna be some hot tail tonight!
VINNIE: Oh, man, I so didn’t need to picture that.
TOM: Come on, we got stuff we need to do.
DAVE: Tackle football in the living room?
TOM: You got it!
[They leave, jumping over the couch and fighting over who gets to go upstairs first. Credits roll]