I’m not sure if it could be considered a mansion, but the Sarmecki place was big enough to house a small war in the parlor without waking anyone in the garage. This said good things about my future bank account, provided I lived long enough to enjoy it.
A butler who wasn’t impressed by my tie, my face, and possibly nothing else since the Renaissance ushered me through a set of doors barely large enough to admit a beer truck. Inside was opulence, rich tapestries, thick Oriental rugs, and enough expensive knick-knacks to outfit a fair-sized pyramid. The only thing I didn’t see in that room was a swimming pool; I guess you have to skimp somewhere.
There was a figure silhouetted in front of the roaring fireplace, and unless Theodore Sarmecki had very unusual tastes in evening wear, I had guessed wrong about the identity of my client.
“Mr. Malone?” the figure asked. “I’m so glad you could come on such short notice.”
“Evenin’, Mrs. Sarmecki. Nice place.”
“Call me Evania. We’re about to be very good friends, I think.” She stepped away from the flames, but she didn’t look any cooler. Evania Sarmecki was hot enough for any man, or any battalion, and the only reason she wasn’t Miss America was because she was too kind-hearted to enter the competition and ruin it forever. She swayed to a small table and wrapped her slender hands around the neck of a long bottle. I began to sweat.
“Gin?” she asked.
“Oh, yes.”
“Vermouth?”
“The touch of your hand added all the sweetness I need, thanks.”
She smiled like a woman who already owned everything she needed and was running out of things to desire. She handed me a glass. It went down like ice cold smoke. She knocked hers back fast and quick, like a man would, although most men wouldn’t jiggle quite the same way when they did it.
“I’ll get right to the point, Malone. I know you’ll appreciate it.”
“I’m at your disposal, Evania,” I said and then wished I’d worded it differently. Her husband wasn’t the head of crime in the city, but only because he preferred working behind the scenes. The cut was better and you still got invited to the best parties. Disposing of me could very well be easier for him than writing a check.
“Good. I want you to find something for me.” She stepped closer and trailed her hand down my suit collar. I completely forgot how to swallow. “Something I’ve always had, but never found.” Her other hand had no problem finding my hair, my neck, my jaw. “Something my husband could never find.” Her lips were glistening with gin and desire. I ached to taste them both. “Something I desperately need to locate.”
“Any… um, anything,” I said. My tongue was three sizes too big and felt like it had slipped off its mounts.
She wrapped both arms around my neck and drew me close. Her lips brushed my ear, the scent of her hair filled my world. “I want you to help me find my g-spot,” she whispered
I let out my first breath since the drink. Aha, a simple missing object. “No problem. Where did you put it last?”
Her laughter rang like bells in a very wicked church. “That’s what I need you for, Mr. Malone. I’ve heard the stories about you.”
“Only the unbelievable ones are true.”
“And I know that you’re the man that can give me what I need.”
I fought to keep my mind on the job. “Do you have a picture of it?”
“Ha! Oh, how scandalous! No, Theodore would never allow that. Too undignified. But maybe you and I could–”
I stepped away from her with great reluctance and pulled out my notepad. “Okay, what can you tell me about it?”
She put a hand on her hip and cocked her head to one side, like I’d challenged her to a tennis match in the hallway. “That’s very… professional of you,” she said finally.
“I try to give you your money’s worth.”
Evania shook her head slowly and smiled. “All right, I’ll go along.” She placed a finger on her lips and thought about it, playfully, like a kid doing let’s-pretend. Me, I was thinking about replacing that finger. “It’s very small, and must be found by touch. It’s in a very delicate place, but it brings a very indelicate response. And it’s every woman’s best friend.” She held her hands out towards me. Her silk gown slid open without a sound, revealing soft white flesh. “Now, help me find it, won’t you?”
I snapped my notebook shut and nodded to her. “I’m on it. I’ll call you if I have any more questions.” I turned around and headed for the door before I lost my head and did something stupid. If Mrs. Sarmecki needed this thing found, I couldn’t hang around like some lovesick sap.
“What are you… where are you going?” she cried. I stopped at the door and turned to see her in the same position, hands outstretched, robe gaping open to reveal a lush and very appealing heaven. She looked confused and a bit angry. “Aren’t you going to…?”
“Don’t worry, Evania,” I said, trying to project trustworthiness. “I won’t let you down.”
I was halfway down the hall when I heard her scream. Damn, she was more upset than I had thought. The faster I found this thing, the better. Poor woman. Obviously her husband was keeping this g-thing from her. That made it tougher. Theodore Sarmecki had a piece of everything that went down in this town. If her g-spot was out there, he had his finger on it, and that was going to make things interesting. Fortunately, I never planned on living forever.
G-spot? G-man, five-spot, gee whillikers, sure, but this was a new one for me. Small, valuable, delicate. Had to be jewelry, maybe diamonds. All the big diamonds had crazy names, and this sounded like the craziest. She said it was hers but she had never seen it, and that smelled like stolen inheritance to me. Time to hit the streets.
My first stop was a cold corner in the warehouse district. Mists swirled around the docks and brought the overwhelming smell of rotting fish wafting across the streets. My headlights swept across the dank buildings and damp streets barely illuminated by a cloud-covered moon Under a fading street sign was a familiar figure. I knew she would be there like I knew the sun would be up in the morning.
“Hey Trixie,” I said. “How’s tricks?” Trixie looked like a runway model and talked like a longshoreman, and she could wear both of them out in bed as long as they had enough cash. She was short, cute, busty, and could split a plank with her tongue. She also knew everything there was to know about what was up on the streets. I could barely make out a slinky gold gown slit up the sides, mostly buried under her parka. Her hair was up over her head and starting to wilt from the fog.
“God, that gets funnier every goddamn day. What the hell are you doing up, Malone? You do realize it’s frigging cold out here, right?”
“So why are you here?”
“See that? No dedication to your profession. America’s going downhill thanks to people like you.”
“Hey, I’m on a job now. What do you know about Evania Sarmecki?”
“The ‘Silver Tongue’? No more than every sailor in the fleet does, but that oughtta be enough. What’s up, you her new hobby?”
“Let’s see a little respect, Trix. She’s missing something and she hired me to find it. I need a place to start.”
She leaned against her lamppost and, with some difficulty, crossed her arms over her chest. “Okay, okay. What did little Lady Fauntleroy lose?”
“Her g-spot.”
Trixie stared at me for a full minute. Her lips twitched. “Excuse me?”
“Her g-spot. She doesn’t know where it is and asked me to find it for her.”
Her mouth twisted and contorted like she was holding a mouse in there. “She asked you (snk) to find her (mmph) g-spot?”
“Yeah. It’s out here somewhere, and I won’t rest until I find it. That enough dedication for you?”
By now it was obvious that Trixie was having a fit of some kind. Her eyes had gone round and she was turning red. “Wait a minute, wait a minute. She asked you and you came out here to find it?”
“Look, it ain’t getting any warmer out here. Are you going to help me or what?”
Without warning she dropped to the street and shook. I hadn’t heard a shot but I pulled my gun and spun around, scanning the windows. There were no sounds beyond the lapping of the waves and the pinging of my engine. Wait a minute, was that… laughter?
I turned back to see Trixie sitting on the street, hugging her knees and laughing like an eight-year-old boy watching his first Three Stooges movie. “You… you’re walking the streets… looking for her… g-spot! Ha! Thatta boy, Malone! Hee hee! Go get ’em! Leave no stone untur… unturn… ha ha ha ha!”
I put my gun away and got back in my car, disgusted. Trixie was usually reluctant to help, but she’d never been like that before. Did she know something I didn’t? Was I out of my league here?
The mists streamed past my fenders as I drove off, leaving her giggling on the street. Someone had gotten to her, that was for sure, and if I had any brains I’d be right there with her. Then again, if I had any brains I’d be in another line of work, one that paid regularly and didn’t involve gunfire.
For the next few hours I exhausted every one of my sources. Louie the Lip had nothing. Fat Joey just looked confused. My inside guy on the force was completely clueless. I spent hours checking every dive on the Strip, and not a single guy could give me a direction no matter what I did. Nobody had heard of this g-thing. Or else they were scared of someone bigger than me.
It was time to go talk to that someone.
Theodore Sarmecki spent his leisure time at his club, The Stacked Deck. He was a silent partner, but he wasn’t very quiet about it. You’d have to be blind not to see how he got treated there. He had his pick of the best booze, the best food, and the best women. When I walked in he was surrounded by all three. Sarmecki was a solid six feet in both directions and all of it was muscle. His goons were sitting at the booth behind him. On his table was a tall glass of something expensive, and on his lap was a luscious dame who wasn’t wearing enough dress to beat an exposure rap.
“Hey, I didn’t order a gumshoe,” he roared, never taking his eyes off me. “Jimmy, you order this? Or did you want a doggie bag so you can take it home?”
I slid into the seat across from him. “Thanks, no, I can’t stay. I’m looking for something, Teddy, and I wanted to come sit next to you for a few minutes so I’d feel smarter.”
“You got a lot of nerve, Malone. Why don’t I just squash you and flick you off my fingers?”
“Because I’m too damn cute. And because your wife hired me.”
Now I had his attention. He effortlessly shifted the girl to his other knee with one hand and leaned over the table at me. “She didn’t hire no one.”
“Maybe you didn’t get the memo. She called-”
He leaned over farther until I could count the veins in his eyeballs. There were three. “She didn’t hire no one,” he said again. “She wants anything, I get it for her. She needs anything, I get it for her. She don’t call no one else.”
“She needs her g-spot. You know where that is?”
“O’course I do,” he yelled. “I know right where it is!” He must have jerked or something, because the girl in his lap made a small “ha!” sound. I must have struck a nerve. “And you can keep your ugly mitts off it!”
I leaned back, slowly lit up a cigarette, and blew the smoke in his face. I heard once that it calms bees. It didn’t calm him down any. “Then you won’t mind telling me where it is,” I said. “Otherwise I got places to be.”
“Only place you’ll be is drifting next to a concrete block,” Sarmecki snarled. “Get out of my place, and don’t ever go near my wife again!”
I dropped my cigarette into his drink and smiled at him. “Good talking to you, Teddy. Glad I got to meet your daughter, here.” The girl smiled briefly, nervously. “But someone out there knows where your wife’s g-spot is, and I don’t think it’s you.” At that, the girl’s face spasmed the same way Trixie’s had. Sarmecki must have threatened her, too.
Out on the sidewalk the atmosphere was noticeably cooler. I hadn’t really accomplished anything besides make a powerful man angry, but that was worthwhile all by itself and it might shake things up enough to make something happen. In the meantime, it was time to hit the pawnshops. If someone had Evania’s g-spot, they were probably out there trying to fence it.
I walked around the corner to my car and into a faceful of knuckles and fireworks.
The pounding in my head finally woke me up. I was back in the Sarmecki mansion, tied to a chair. Sarmecki himself was standing over me, rubbing his fist from where he’d apparently been hitting me. Everyone needs a hobby, I guess. Behind him were his two goons, and behind them was Evania looking nervous and beautiful. Well, I’d wanted to make things happen.
“You left before we had a chance to talk, Malone,” Sarmecki said. “I consider that rude.”
“Let him go,” Evania said. “Let them both go, they didn’t do anything to you!”
Both? I twisted around to see Trixie tied up in the chair next to me. She didn’t look happy, but she didn’t look bruised, either. “Let her go,” I said. “She doesn’t know anything about this.”
“Yeah? Funny thing about me, I tend to believe people more after I’ve bent them a little. I think she knows just where my baby’s g-spot is, don’t you, girlie?”
Trixie did that mouth-twisting thing again. “I heard your buddy there does.”
Sarmecki spun around to stare at one of his goons. “Sammy? This true?”
Sammy went pale. “No, no, boss! She asked me once to help her find it, but I never did! I tried, boss, I tried for hours! Nothing!”
Behind him, Evania dropped heavily into a chair and leaned her chin on her fist. “That’s for damn sure,” she muttered.
Sarmecki stomped to the chair and loomed over her. “How many people you had looking for this thing? You couldn’t just ask me?”
“Hundreds, Teddy! Hundreds! And not a damn one of you could find it!” She stood to face him, eyes blazing. “I hear other women talking about it, they’ve all got one. But when I try to find mine, do I? No!” Suddenly she pulled a pistol out of her gown pocket. “You’re hiding it from me and I won’t stand for it!”
Sarmecki backed away, hands outspread. “Hey, baby, calm down. You want one of these things? We’ll buy you one! We’ll buy you five of them!”
“I want my g-spot!” Evania screamed. “Do you even know what it is, any of you?” She looked around at the rest of us and aimed the gun at goon number two. “Jimmy! Do you know where my g-spot is?”
Jimmy shrugged. “I heard a guy say he found one once, that was in Philly. Maybe by the courthouse? You looked there?”
Trixie started sniggering.
“You! You know where it is?” Evania shrieked at her.
“I might, but I get forgetful when I’m tied up like this.”
Evania waggled the gun at Sammy. “Untie her, dammit! Hurry!”
“Honey, why don’t you put the gun-”
“Shut up, dear. You,” she said to Trixie. “Tell me!”
Trixie kept her distance. “I’m not telling anybody anything got a gun on me. But I’ll tell him,” she said, gesturing at me. “He was the one you hired to find it, after all.” Then she snickered again.
With another gun-waggle, Evania had the other goon untie me. Trixie turned and said, “Okay, Malone, pay attention.” Then she held up a hand and made a “come here” gesture with her index finger.
I walked over to her.
She shook her head. “No, you idiot. Like this!” She motioned for me to come closer again, this time with a much more exaggerated motion.
“Trix, if I come any closer I’ll have to pay you.”
“Oh, for God’s sake…”
Suddenly, Sarmecki lunged for Evania, but she turned and shot him before he could take a single step. The big man stared down at the tiny hole in his vest before sinking to his knees and collapsing onto the rug. Evania looked back at the rest of us, then at the goons. “You men work for me now, got it?”
The goons, accustomed to rapid changeover, nodded fearfully.
“Good. Get rid of this. And you,” she said, walking towards Trixie. “No more games. I need to find my g-spot, and I want you to show me.”
Trixie smiled at her. “Is there a finder’s fee?”
“Anything you want.”
Without taking her eyes from Evania, Trixie called over to me. “I got this one, Malone. Why don’t you help the boys with her ex, there.”
“You sure, Trix? I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“Thanks, but I’ll be fine. The only danger I see here is exhaustion, and maybe some muscle cramps. You guys go on.”
I got a shoulder underneath Sarmecki’s back and helped the goons muscle the body downstairs. As we worked him out through the front door we heard moans and soft cries coming from the room we’d left. “Trixie!” I yelled.
“Go away!” both girls called. There was a giggle.
The goons and I exchanged a bewildered shrug and went back to our grisly job. Women. If anyone ever figures them out, I wish he’d tell me about it.