Better Than Real Products, Ltd.
4545 Industrial Park
DeKalb, IL 60115
To Whom It May Concern,
Recently I purchased your marital aid product, “Slutty Suzy,” as a present for a friend. This product was presented in your catalog as “better than the real thing, and always ready when you are.”
I feel certain this is the case, because he won’t touch it. Whereas the model pictured on the box is devastatingly beautiful and achingly luscious, the product inside more closely resembles something one might use to make dental casts. Hardly an object of desire, even if it didn’t smell like vulcanized rubber. Also, the pubic hair fell off.
I appreciate and applaud your entirely understandable policy of not accepting returns, but I demand restitution. Your ad was false and blatantly misleading. If you do not make good on my purchase, I shall contact the Better Business Bureau in Illinois concerning your company.
Good day,
Peter Harskins
Peter Hawskins
111447 Remington Place, Apt. 3a
San Diego, CA 92112
Dear Mr. Hawskins,
We have received your letter, and we are concerned that you have not been fully satisfied. We will, of course, return your money, but we would like to point out that you are not giving “Slutty Suzy” a fair chance.
According to our records you purchased the basic “Slutty Suzy” without the accessories. The catalog strongly suggests that customers with insufficient imagination should also purchase the “Slutty Suzy Slutpuppy Inflatable Body.” This firm, delectable form accommodates the “Slutty Suzy” unit perfectly, and can easily be mistaken for a real and enticing woman. When she is in your arms you’ll think of nothing else.
Enclosed please find one (1) “Slutty Suzy Slutpuppy Inflatable Body.” It has been charged to your account, minus the 15% discount we reserve for our most honored customers. The replacement “Angel Hair” attachment and adhesive is provided free of charge.
Thank you for writing,
Customer Service
Better Than Real Products, Ltd.
4545 Industrial Park
DeKalb, IL 60115
Dear Customer Service,
I am in receipt of your letter and package of 17 June, and I must say I am impressed.
The added body does indeed help the “Slutty Suzy” more closely resemble a woman. Sadly, it now resembles a woman who drowned quite violently some weeks ago, and was only just recently pulled from the brackish depths.
My friend, against his better judgment, unfolded the flattened slattern and followed your instruction regarding proper inflation of the foaming inflating agent to the letter. Kudos to you for disdaining the common inflatable doll in favor of a more solid propellant. Unfortunately the foam supplied was more powerful than the flimsy plastic. Instead of spreading evenly throughout, “Slutty Suzy’s” body distended in the middle (where the plug was) until I… until my friend was left holding a grotesquely fat woman with atrophied limbs and a face like a deflated football. An ugly football. It may be true that in her arms I would think of nothing else, but that’s not a chance I’m prepared to take.
Please refund any and all charges placed on my credit card immediately.
Good day,
Peter Harskins
Peter Hawskins
111447 Remington Place, Apt. 3a
San Diego, CA 92112
Dear Mr. Hawskins,
Please accept our deepest apologies. What was accidentally mailed to you was our “Slutty Suzy Slutpuppy” economy model. We don’t recommend this to the connoisseur and it was only by gross error that it was shipped to you at all.
Enclosed please find one (1) “Slutty Suzy Courtesan w/Real Vibrating Action.” This is entirely complementary, our gift to you. There is a small shipping charge, an unavoidable formality which we have charged to your account. We are confident you will be pleased with “Slutty Suzy Courtesan.”
“Next month is our Gland Opening Sale! 20% off everything!”
Thank you for writing,
Customer Service
Better Than Real Products, Ltd.
4545 Industrial Park
DeKalb, IL 60115
Dear Customer Service,
In the future, and in the supremely unlikely event I ever order from your company again, it would be appreciated if you would avoid shipping your products in anything other than plain wrapping. My mailman pulled the Courtesan out of his pouch, gazed into the blank and staring eyes of a boxed woman, and fainted dead away on my porch. It is now days later and he continues to avoid my house, pitching my mail in a crumpled ball over the fence instead.
The Courtesan model was indeed infinitely more attractive. The sculpting job on the face was exquisite, and I must congratulate the artisan who took such care crafting her magnificent bosom. Even the original “Slutty Suzy” product fit in nicely, and did in fact look much more realistic as part of a whole.
I must, however, take issue with the Vibrating Action. I feel it was unnecessary and jarring, a crude addition to an elegant device, and there was no obvious way of turning it off. The emergency room technicians, once they had finished laughing and calling in every single person in the hospital to watch (including the management, the custodial staff, and the other, ambulatory patients) were finally forced to cut the Courtesan away from me and apply heat compresses. I have abandoned the “friend” pretense, as by now the massive media coverage has made further deception unnecessary.
Enclosed please find the remains of the Courtesan, the original “Slutty Suzy,” and my hospital bills, which I trust you will pay in full. They will be much cheaper than the legal fees, I assure you.
Yours in litigation,
Peter HARSKINS
Peter Huskins
111447 Remington Place, Apt. 3a
San Diego, CA 92112
Dear Mr. Huskins,
Our technicians have examined the returned units and they report no defects. We are afraid a refund is not forthcoming. They did, however, suggest a possible reason for the problem and we are more than happy to offer it to you.
Enclosed please find a replacement “Slutty Suzy” unit, a “Slutty Suzy Courtesan,” and a “Happy Husband Penis Magnifier.” According to our technicians, extra space present in the “Slutty Suzy” during your engagement allowed air to be forced in, creating a vacuum. This can be a problem for the modestly endowed, though still valued customer. A charge of $65.99 for the Magnifier has been applied to your card (20% off the regular retail price!).
“Check out our new fall catalog, with our new line of Fantasy Dildos of Famous People. First up: Liberace!”
Thank you for writing,
Customer Service
Better Than Real Products, Ltd.
4545 Industrial Park
DeKalb, IL 60115
Dear Customer Service,
I received your package, clearly labeled “Happy Husband Penis Magnifier,” which the mailman hurled over my fence after writing “Ha!” on it in red ink. Leaving aside for a moment the incredible insult, I would like to address its operation.
While I would have bet hard cash that I would never again stick anything of mine into anything of yours, I was unaware that my new pain medication was not meant to be consumed with alcohol. After three beers I was unaccustomedly groggy and susceptible to the kind of lewd and suggestive advertising such as was found on your packaging. It took several attempts, but I managed to assemble and don the device, which began tugging and stretching at me in a very unfamiliar manner.
I will be honest enough to say that it wasn’t unpleasant, at least until the batteries arced, causing the hydraulic pistons to burst from their governors and explode. I cannot say for sure that my generative member was not somehow subsequently enlarged by your device, as I have not yet been able to find it, despite several x-rays. On the plus side, the emergency room technicians recognized me, saving me a lot of paperwork.
My additional medical bills, along with the originals, my request for refunds, and an additional sum for pain and suffering will be sent to your place of business by process server.
Tortfully yours,,
Peter HARSKINS
Peter Huskins
111447 Remington Place, Apt. 3a
San Diego, CA 92112
Dear Mr. Huskins,
Enclosed please find a check for the full amount of your purchases, your medical bills, and your requested settlement, in exchange for your agreement to waive any future rights regarding litigation towards our company. Please understand that at no point has Better Than Real, Ltd, desired anything but your full happiness and satisfaction.
Please keep the already-purchased products as our gift to you. And, should you care to examine our winter catalog, we’ve taken the liberty of applying $200 in credit to your account towards anything you might like.
We hope that we can put this unpleasantness behind us.
“New! Unscripted Real Life Emergency Room Video! See the heroic EMTs deal with perverts, freaks and losers, right in front of your eyes! Don’t miss “Surgically Removed: Caught on Tape!” where you’ll see hilarious, on-the-spot hidden video of a man with his weiner stuck in a rubber doll! It’s hysterical, it’s outrageous, it’s “Surgically Removed”!”
Thank you for writing,
Customer Service