Friends and neighbors, I am here to tell you of a social evil so chilling, so widespread, that most people don’t even realize the dangers involved.
I am speaking of the term “sucks.”
Now I want to stress that I have no problem at all with that word being used correctly, to mean to draw something in by or as if by suction, as in “she sucks harder than the bilge pump on the Titanic.” This is fine and good, and I approve it whole-heartedly, especially if I know that from personal experience.
But more and more of late I have heard the word “sucks” used as a term of disparagement, to imply that something is of inferior quality (“this administration sucks!”) or to be repellent (“rap sucks!”) or to express contempt (“recapitulationary theories suck!”). Since the early 1900’s such phrases as “sucks to them” has been popular, a forerunner of the current “sucks to be you.” Painful events were considered “sucky” (possibly because they caused one to suck in one’s cheeks). And finally, today, it has become so widespread that the word “sucks” can be used on children’s programming (“Bert, you suck!”).
It has even developed degrees of badness. Witness the many variations and conjugations that have sprung up:
suckadelic Something that sucks. Example: “That undescended testicle is so suckadelic!”
suckage To express extreme displeasure at the situation at hand. Example: “Oh, total suckage! You were that close to making it to the bathroom!”
suckalicious It sucks to an alarming degree. Example: “Bummer, man, that tapeworm is suckalicious.”
suckfarm To suck in a major way. Example: “Suckfarm! It bit my other leg off!”
suckfest Something that sucks deliberately and for an extended period of time. Example: “The Protestant Reformation was one long suckfest.”
suckitude A measurement of how much something sucks. Example: “The suckitude of that malignant tumor is beyond belief!”
sucktacular Something that sucks so much that all other forms of “suck” are insufficient. Example: “That televangelist is seriously sucktacular!”
Note that there are no minor degrees of “suck.” Either something that sucks is really bad, or it’s much worse. And even that wouldn’t bother me – language changes, English more than most. But this one bothers me, a lot.
See, I’ve always considered “sucks” to be a good thing. A thing to treasure. If I describe my wife as “suckalicious” or “suckadelic” I am offering the highest of praises. And I sincerely hope that at least once in my lifetime I am privileged enough to attend a “suckfest.”
Why are we allowing that most hallowed and desirable of actions to be used as a derogatory term? Do you want the lovers you meet to have the subconscious certainty that “suck” equals “yuck?” It’s enough work just convincing them that sucking is good in the first place, without making it tougher for everybody. Personally, if my wife ever develops the notion that “sucks” is solely a bad thing, I’m going to come out there and beat the crap out of each and every one of you. I’ll certainly have enough nervous energy for it.
Let’s restore “sucks” to the noble height it deserves. Avoid using it in such a cavalier, dismissive manner. Don’t let your kids use it, refuse to allow coworkers to use it in your presence, ban it from your partner’s vocabulary unless it’s meant as a kind offer or urgent demand. Spread the word, Stop Saying “Sucks”!
Hell, why not take it the other direction? Start using “sucks” to describe something inutterably good. “That hot fudge sundae really sucks, Emily!” he said happily. Turn it into what it deserves to be, the highest accolade you can give. You’d want to find the lover that sucks the most, wouldn’t you? Why not extend that to everything else? The suckiest movies of 2002. The most sucktacular job you’ve ever had. The Academy Award for the Most Suckitude by a Supporting Actor. Tell someone you love that they suck, and make them feel proud of it. Take a stand now, while there’s still time, and make a difference that can result in deep satisfaction for all of us. Spread the word! Tell your friends! Go door to door, it’s legal! Set up a stand outside the local grocery store and hand out pamphlets. We have to save this wonderful word from falling, irrevocably, into despair.
Because to let it go would make a sadder world for us all. And that would really suck.