To celebrate the 70th anniversary of the classic board game Sorry! Parker Brothers has declared it to be National Sorry Week, which brings up two important points. First, the power of Parker Brothers is more far-reaching than I thought, and, second, it’s half over already and you’re just hearing about it now. Sorry.
Sorry! and other board games played a large part in my youthful education since they were more fun than school and had even more immediate relevance to real life than situation comedies, difficult as that is to believe.
Monopoly taught me the value of greed. The Game of Life taught me to accept everything the world had to throw at me as long as I could keep my little pink family happy. And Sorry! brought me the heady joys of petty vindictiveness, an endlessly useful tool that has served me as well in my business life as it has in my romance and child-rearing.
(At the time, my best friend David and I preferred the game Trouble because it had the cool Pop-O-Matic dice bubble and the simple physics of it stimulated our young and inquiring minds. Namely, we were wondering what would happen if we could get a gerbil in there.)
Sorry! has more real-world applications. The object of the game is not merely to triumph but to repeatedly send your opponents spiraling backwards while cackling into their faces in a rude fashion, an all-important skill routinely taught in Harvard’s MBA program (PitGl – Pitiless Glee 101, with lab).
However, youngsters only learn about one type of insincere apology in Sorry!: the “I’m Not At All Sorry, Ha Ha Variant.” There are plenty of others, and they all have their uses.
The Busted Sorry
Used by lamp-breaking children, vow-breaking adulterers, and garbage-wallowing dogs alike (and with the same expression), this sorry includes a surprised expression and the unspoken, utterly honest sentiment, “I’m really, really sorry you caught me.”
The Let’s Get On With Our Lives Sorry
“I said I was sorry, all right?” Delivered so that a refusal to accept this contrived confession somehow absolves the guilty party of all blame. I mean, he said he was sorry, what more could he do? Change? Make amends? Please.
The Patronizing Sorry
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” While the speaker clearly has no shame at the offending event, he or she is completely sincere in regretting your response, your reaction, and possibly your existence. Hidden meaning: “I’m truly sorry you’re the way you are. Seek help.”
The Twisted Arm Sorry
A reluctant and grudging sorry squeezed out under threat of pain or lawsuit. Usually prompted by an angry, looming parent, teacher, legal team, or local TV news consumer awareness spot.
The Sweeping Sorry
“Whatever it was I did, I’m sorry.” This remarkably efficient concession doesn’t require any individual remorse or behavioral change whatsoever, nor does it require that the guilty party even remember, understand, or acknowledge what the apology is for, and as such it’s the perfect apology for today’s fast-paced lifestyle. Anyone continuing to harp on specific incidents afterwards is obviously just trying to pick a fight. Lousy ingrates.
The Fully Loaded Sorry
An apology where deep and abiding earnestness is assured by the price range of the accompanying gift. Flowers, jewelry, late-model cars, small islands, cabinet positions — such things can provide a level of sincerity that actual repentance simply can’t match. Contrition is pegged to the dollar value as of market close the previous day, with forgiveness guaranteed by FDIC.
The Sorry With Qualifiers
My own favorite, commonly used to explain office tardiness, memory loss concerning promised errands or timely birthday presents, and lapses in personal and professional hygiene. Easily identified by the word “but,” as in “I’m sorry I was late to our wedding, but I met this girl…”
None of these are meant to discount the honest and open, truly sincere sorry that displays your sorrowful acceptance of responsibility and your solemn promise to never do it again. And it is in that spirit that I’d like to apologize to that poor gerbil.
I’m sorry, Kiki. Rest in peace.
More information on National Sorry Week, along with convenient e-mail apology forms for all occasions, can be found at www.sorry.com .