As anyone who has ever ripped off a wild impromptu sex act standing up in the men’s room of the Jefferson Memorial (third stall from the door) can tell you, sexual lubricant is an important thing.
We all know it’s nothing to be ashamed of, most everyone needs to help Mother Nature out a bit, and you can’t hold out and pray for a midnight visit from the K-Y fairy. Sexual lubricants have been traced all the way back to the dawn of man. It was discovered (and consequently hushed up) that the remains of the oldest known human “Lucy”, discovered by Lewis Leakey, was found to contain traces of tree sap in her bikini zone, suggesting age-old techniques or else something really disturbing about Lewis Leakey. The Orient has tales of silent geishas who would sneak in unnoticed and lubricate their foes in the night. Courtesans in the French Court were known to use rose water and ambergris to cover for both inadequate slippery qualities and to cover the stench. And every schoolchild knows about the famous sex goo solutions sold during the days of Wyatt Earp and Wild Bill Hickock (Granny Pinkshaw’s Patented Defrictionizing Balm, “As Sold to the Crowned Heads of Europe” (motto: Do Not Eat)).
Seasoned lovers know full well that applying lubrication can easily become an exciting part of love play all by itself. Whether it’s a suave and almost unnoticed swipe from the tube or a long and lingering application, just seeing your glistening fingers approaching can be enough to drive your lover into fits of ecstasy, which is certainly a time-saver. I tend to approach the whole thing a bit differently.
Sure, anybody can squeeze a tube. Can’t you think of more imaginative methods than that, methods that will signal to your lover that you are a unique and possibly dangerous individual? I can.
Squeezing the tube – if you gotta do it, do it big time. Don’t just squeeze off a fingerful, fire off the whole thing. Lube is cheap, use the tube. Or buy it and transplant it to a more interesting (or more useful) container, such as a turkey baster, a restaurant ketchup squeeze bottle, a bellows, a grease gun, a cake decorator (especially if you use the little flower-shaped nozzles), or an old-fashioned oil can (great for those “Dorothy and the Tin Man lost in the woods” fantasies).
Juice from Above! – then there’s the delivery system. Watching a worm of paste come out of a nozzle into terribly exciting, really. How about using water balloons? Or a SuperSoaker? Get a bucket of Wet and use a big whitewash brush, or a huge sponge, or just dump the bucket on the desired location. Maybe a #2 artist’s brush for the detail-minded, or the old-fashioned way – by hand, by skilled Amish craftsman, as God intended. Install a specially-designed overhead sprinkler system for intimate gatherings, with settings for “spray”, “gush”, “inundate”, and “water torture drip”. Or make an intricate, copper-tubed and gear-driven Rube Goldberg device that takes up the entire bedroom and delivers Astrogel with pinpoint accuracy. Use a funnel. Use a specially-prepared and very carefully targeted mortar round. If you’re really into the anticipation aspect of sensual delights, place frozen cubes of baby oil where you want them to go and then wait.
Go for the grand gesture – Then there’s the showboating methods, the ones that involve larger production, planning, timing, and outside help. Here I’m thinking of firefighting helicopters, pumper trucks, crop-dusting planes, that sort of thing. Look for ways to lubricate everyone in the immediate area as well as your own true love. Have a cask of Liquid Silk carbonated, shaken, and take into the middle of the party before you open it; your guests will be well-lubed for weeks afterwards. Pre-soak about twenty foam pillows in olive oil, distribute them, then whack the nearest person over the head with yours and let the games begin! Kid’s outdoor toys are good – whirling sprinklers, funky hoses, and the giddy joys of a Kama Sutra Oil of Love-filled Slip ‘N’ Slide cannot be overstated. Have a seance to summon the lubricant elementals and then shove a stick of butter up there while the lights are off. Perhaps a dunking booth full of Astroglide, for that carnival feel. Pour 330 gallons of lube into a child’s wading pool, get in and let the laws of fluid dynamics work for you. For the truly enlightened and stinking rich, consider designed a carefully re-engineered water theme park.
My favorite – BSoak a large blanket in a bowl of heated oil and then run it up and down her body for that “King Kong tongue” sensation. Done properly, she’ll worship you. Or at least the blanket.
Next week – how to dismiss the lubricant elementals in case you accidentally summon them for real and now need to get rid of them before they finish greasing up Montana.