“All right class, settle down. There’s just a few more minutes until the bell, and you need to hear this weekend’s assignment. I know, I know, you can stop ‘awwwing’ now. Sex education is too important and we’ve fought too hard to finally bring it out in the open. You teens don’t remember, but years ago sex education was a crippled, censored thing that only served to confuse students without ever really addressing the problems at all. Who here can tell me what ‘abstinence-only’ programs were? Carla?”
“They were the sex-ed programs that would only teach kids not to do it.”
“Correct, well done. This would occasionally include some basic information about disease-prevention, but not always. Now, can anyone tell me the drawback of abstinence-based sexual education programs? Anyone? Zack?”
“Um, cuz if you tell someone not to do something, they’ll want to do it more?”
“A little over-generalized, but yes. Teaching children only that they should wait, without telling them anything about how to handle things if they didn’t, resulted in a slightly lower rate as far as the age of virginity lost, but it also resulted in a higher pregnancy and disease rate for those students who had sex anyway and were uninformed. What’s different about our program now?”
“You teach us all about sex, the good and the bad, and let us decide for ourselves.”
“Close, David. We teach you all about sex in the hopes that you’ll realize for yourselves the benefits of waiting for the right time, and we try to give you more insight as to when the right time is, and how to avoid disease, embarrassment, and unwanted pregnancies when that time arrives. Now, your assignment. I want you to pair off according to your seating chart, and do a report over the weekend on exactly how your lab partner masturbates. Oh, don’t whine, we covered this the first week. Yes, Jimmy?”
“What if you don’t, you know, do that?”
“Then we get you into a zoo and study you, dude!”
“Pipe down Steve, there are indeed people who do not masturbate, for a number of reasons. Jimmy, if you don’t, please talk to your partner about your reasons and she can do her report on that. Let’s see, you’ll be partnered with… Jenny? Yes, Jenny, spend some time with Jimmy this weekend. He might be shy, so you might want to start by going first.”
“Yes, ma’am. Are we supposed to be talking about it, or showing them, or what?”
“Entirely up to you. Just be sure to observe the safety rules we discussed. Everyone, this exercise will help you to be more comfortable with yourselves and it will help you communicate with your partners, and those are the two most important things in any successful sex life. I’ll expect written reports – no jokes about oral exams, Steve, we’ve heard them already, and we’re not covering that until after spring break. Written reports, 1,000 words, typed. Be descriptive. Include techniques, any important preparations, preferred fantasies (no names, please), any accessories used, and style. Compare this with the methods we read about in Sex for One, and finish with an analysis of how this knowledge could assist you in a relationship. No pictures, although you may use graphs or charts. See you all Monday!”
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“Psst, Jerry.”
“Yeah? What?”
“Look, I need you to help me, okay? I’ve got stuff I need to do this weekend, I need you to do my report for me.”
“Are you kidding? I have to write my own, me and Laurie were just arranging a time. I can’t do your lab partner too.”
“C’mon, it won’t be a big deal. I’m partnered with Tiffany, maybe she can join you guys and you can all do it together. Just type it out and e-mail it to me Sunday, okay? Thanks man, I owe you!”
“Hey, wait! Shit. Hey Tiffany.”
“Hey Jerry. I really appreciate this, Steve’s being a jerk and I need to ace this class. When were you guys gonna get together?”
“Um, around 4 on Saturday. Me and Laurie have chess club after school today.”
“That’s perfect, I’ll be out of cheerleading practice by then. Should I bring lotion?”
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“What’s up?”
“Oh, hi Bill. Just watching the kids swap assignments.”
“Yeah? Anything we should yell at ’em for?”
“No, I just think it’s funny. Who thought the school geeks would finally get more action than the jocks?”
“I’m still a little freaked out by it myself. Doesn’t this encourage early sex? I mean, you’re assigning sex acts, for god’s sake.”
“Yep, we are, and teen pregnancy is way down and average virginity age is way up. We finally figured out the reverse of the abstinence logic.”
“What’s that?”
“If you tell ’em they can’t do it, they’ll do it. But no matter how much fun it is, if you assign it as homework, they’ll avoid it like the plague. They’ll copy off each other, forget to do it, wait until the last minute, and then copy it word-for-word out of an encyclopedia or off a web site. I’ll get maybe four original reports come Monday, tops, and they’ll be from the conscientious ones that are smart enough to be careful in the first place. Oops, hang on. Yes? What’s up, guys?”
“Mrs. Jackson, we were wondering…”
“Yes?”
“Well, me and Jim would like to switch with Stan and Ellie, if it’s okay.”
“I suppose so. Jim, you and Ellie can…”
“Um, Mrs. Jackson? That’s not what we meant.”
“Oh? Oh! Oh, certainly. Go ahead. Hey, Bill?”
“Yeah Margie?”
“Make that eight original reports on Monday. It’s a good class.”