The new television season begins this week and once again, our lives have purpose. Those of us who have been struggling along with reruns, football, U.N. speeches and (when unavoidable) the outside world for entertainment may once again immerse ourselves into someone else’s life, which looks better and has a laugh track.
Like most viewers, I have my own uninformed opinions about the new television season, sight unseen.
The biggest shock was, of course, the unexpected death of John Ritter. ABC has elected to continue running his show “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter” without him, leaving the tricky job of making a newly-widowed family funny. I think they’re missing a cool twist. Just pull relevant dialogue from the seven years of “Three’s Company,” edit out the references to Chrissy and Janet, and let him haunt his former family. Every now and then they could show a few seconds of a very faint Ritter tripping over something so excited viewers can watch closely for sightings. He’d probably love it, especially if he won an Emmy.
Speaking of which, I think that if the Academy Awards are televised, the Emmys should be shown in movie theaters. There’s been a lot of television advertising showing up in the local cinemas lately, which frankly doesn’t make good business sense. The last thing a movie theater should do is put an ad for Alicia Silverstein’s new show over their snack bar to remind me that I could be at home overbuttering my own popcorn and being entertained for free, comparatively, with fewer things sticking to my feet.
I’m enjoying Bravo’s “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy” but I’m wondering what they’ll do when the novelty wears off. Perhaps one of the Fab 5 will be dramatically revealed as a closet heterosexual with the uncanny ability to accessorize. Or they could take a hint from TLC’s “While You Were Out” and completely makeover unsuspecting men while they’re asleep. Wouldn’t you want to see the look on the guy’s face when he wakes up to see five gay gays leaning over him with hot oil treatments and conditioner?
When new shows falter, why do networks replace them with mid-season shows that weren’t good enough to make the first cut? Why not combine them and make one big audience? If “Whoopi” doesn’t work out, she could move in with the “Happy Family” and carry on. Or you could tack it onto a successful show, such as having Wanda Sykes move next door to “Malcolm in the Middle,” just up the street from “Bernie Mac.”
Why not combine more shows? Crossovers are fun for fans and “Freddy vs Jason” demonstrated the possibilities of uniting two successful properties into a mediocre movie.
I’m not talking about guest stars, or characters from a show appearing on that show’s spin-off. This would be a stand-alone ten-week series. Here’s my pitch:
The FBI, with tips from NYPD Blue and a crime scene investigation team from Las Vegas, have discovered a connection between mobsters operating out of a New Jersey club and an adult entertainment producer who’s raising his teenage daughter in the O.C.. President Bartlet, fresh from his vacation on the Pearl Islands, commissions a task force made up of SD-6 operative Sidney Barstow, an obsessive-compulsive detective, some kid named Kent with strong reporting skills, and a vampire with a soul. What they don’t know is that the tips were planted to lead them away from a terrorist who’s currently hiding out in a Boston high school in a suburb populated entirely by stand-up comedians and their families. He’s had an extreme makeover to conceal his identity, now known only by his psychiatrist, Dr. Frasier Crane, who must find an ethical way to tell retired agent Jack Bauer. Bauer, despite his responsibility to raise his brother’s 10-year-old son Jake and run the family’s funeral home, now has only 24 hours to stop the task force and find the real criminal. Oh, and someone dies.
Tell me people wouldn’t tune in. The only way to beat that would be to have the final episode of “Friends” take place on “Fear Factor.”
Hmmm…