Like no other holiday, Christmas is built of traditions.
Most of our familiar Christmas practices are a hodgepodge of habits taken from around the world. Decorating a fir tree, hanging mistletoe, and drunkenly telling your boss exactly what you think of him at the office party were all brought over to our country by swarms of abruptly unemployed immigrants.
Who among us hasn’t hung stockings by the chimney with care, wondering as we did why anyone thought hanging your laundry next to an open flame was a good idea?
But when it comes right down to it, it’s the homemade customs that bind us together, the simple rituals that every family develops over time as part of their shared experiences which, in their own quiet way, help keep the yuletide at the top of the suicide risk charts.
Office Grazing – Hunters, gatherers, and moochers, it’s the most wonderful time of the year: the inter-office harvest. You can generally spend your work hours during the second half of December wandering from office to office sampling all the homemade chocolates and cupcakes and candy you can keep down. And by spreading your moveable feast over several departments you can easily double your body weight without looking like a… like too much of a pig, anyway.
Toyland Security — Experienced, battle-worn parents know full well the hazards of assuming that, despite explicit instructions from their child to the contrary, a “Mermaid Fantasy Barbie” would be just as good as the more expensive “Bratz Style It! Sasha.” Ha! That’s the sort of beginner’s mistake that comes out in child emancipation hearings later. No, the veteran parent spends long weeks learning the difference between Playstations One and Two, and how to discern at a glance between the Yu-Gi-Oh toys that are still cool and the microscopically identical ones that will ruin your child’s life forever.
Holidatheism — Nothing brings home the Christmas spirit more than greeting everyone you meet with a hearty “Happy, er, Holidays!” and a vague smile. Even the most well-meaning season’s greetings can quickly become a sociological landmine. Is “Merry Christmas” secular enough yet to be used with confidence? Will wishing your boss a happy winter solstice show up on your yearly evaluation? Will your neighbors scorn you if your rooftop decorations fail to mention Kwanzaa? May your anxiety be joyful and triumphant.
The Guilt Exchange — Every year cruel fate (a.k.a. “Secret Santa” exchanges) will force you to swap bland, generic gifts — always under $10 and of no use to anyone with a life — with someone you don’t know well enough to pick out of a police lineup. I prefer bizarre gifts for that sort of thing, like a tub of goat cheese or a jai alai cesta.
Noel-One-One — Call me a crazy sentimentalist, but it’s just not Christmas if someone doesn’t end up in the emergency room. What exciting accident will thrill us this year? Will the cat topple the tree over grandma? Will the fire rescue personnel admire Dad’s innovative use of extension cords? Will Mom tear her hand open trying to get a toy out of its meteor-resistant packaging? What happens after a dog eats 45 feet of tinsel, anyway? These are the questions that fill scrapbooks and provide hours of wincing remembrance for years to come.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Refund – Why stop on the 25th? Carry the joy of the season for days afterwards while you return most of your presents and hit all the after-Christmas sales to buy the same things for half-price. My wife is in favor of junking Christmas entirely and just celebrating the 70% Off! sale at Spencer’s instead. It’s a magical time.
Happy, er, Holidays to everyone, and keep an eye on the cat.