Last Monday night on NBC’s breakout hit “Heroes” we learned some amazing things about HRG (“Horn-Rimmed Glasses” man, AKA Claire’s father, AKA Bennet, AKA the creepy guy who’s maybe evil, we think) in an episode that had me on the edge of my seat from the excitement, the revelations, and the total absence of Niki. This complicated, multi-layered show has mastered the art of answering a question by revealing three more while limiting itself, unlike ABC’s “Lost,” to no more than 15 flashbacks per show.
But what’s coming up? We know that, for some reason, people have been exhibiting strange powers since at least 15 years ago. We know that there is at least one organization (whose members include HRG) working to collect and control these people. We know there’s some rich guy in Vegas named Linderman who is somehow connected to many of them. We know the funky RNA-ish symbol probably means something, or doesn’t. We know that it has been foreseen that New York will be destroyed in fire and that someone needs to prevent it. And we know that Hiro is, like, the coolest geek, ever. But what’s next?
Major, major SPOILERS ahead, or there would be if I had any clue what I was talking about. But these feel right. In the upcoming story arc that ends the season, we will finally see that:
Claire the unbreakable cheerleader, running from her father’s mysterious organization, will look for Peter “The Absorbing Emo” Petrelli by heading to either New York or Vegas because those are the only two places anything ever happens. Oh, and maybe India.
Hiro Nakamura, the plucky and irrepressible Japanese nerd who can bend space and time to his will and who must therefore be kept wandering, both to embody Campbell’s “Hero’s Journey” and so he doesn’t inadvertantly end the show too soon, will get distracted when he realizes that with his awesome abilities he can attend every science fiction convention ever held.
Viewers will be shocked by the horrifying return of something no one expected: the annoying Mohinder Suresh narration.
The cast will be joined by a new character, Chloe Sullivan, who left Smallville desperate to find a hero she didn’t want to slap silly.
Matt (The Amazing Kreskin) Parkman will escape the Primatech Paper holding facility during a riot caused by Primatech employees demanding to know why their delivery trucks always seem to have bodies in them.
Claire’s friend Zack will discover his own ability to restore lost memories by getting his own back and, incidentally, find out to his surprise that he was gay for the first 10 episodes.
Niki/Jessica the super-strong schizo goes off to fulfill the job given her by her boss, the mysterious Linderman, namely to assassinate the man the mysterious Linderman previously had her sleep with for extortion purposes, Nathan “Flying Man” Petrelli, who is also connected to the mysterious Linderman, but she is thwarted by Claire, who is the bastard daughter of Nathan and, for all I know, the mysterious Linderman. Nathan, currently running for Congress, is clearly slipping in the polls since his brother was arrested in relation to a brutal cheerleader slaying and it didn’t even make The New York Post.
Mohinder will accidentally get his father’s map of known heroes confused with “The L-Word”‘s lesbian hookup chart, with hilarious results.
In a despondent mood, Hiro’s abandoned sidekick Ando will get a body piercing in the shape of a familiar symbol to give fans something new to obsess on and so he can get some more screen time.
Claire’s mother and brother, devastated by their assault by the glowing radiation guy, will struggle valiantly to find some sort of meaning in it all and a reason to carry on, which will be largely wasted because everyone there will die soon of radiation poisoning because that’s how radiation works.
Hana (e-Girl) Gitelman, the Internet-connected hero introduced and explained in NBC’s online “Heroes” graphic novels, will be overwhelmed with mental Nigerian spam and collapse before being rushed off to either Primatech or Linderman’s hideout, I’ve lost track.
After their shared love interest Simone dies in their arms, Peter and Isaac the prophetic junkie will turn to each other for comfort and affection and because the show’s creators want to see if they can break the Internet.
Hiro’s heretofore unseen mother, in an emotional and shocking scene, will turn out to be Nathan, who is also Mohinder’s dead sister and Matt’s college roommate and Micah’s MySpace friend, and who once saw Zach on a bus, which was owned by the mysterious Linderman.
Niki will fight for control of her body so she can tell her intangible husband D.L. and her Speaker-to-ATMs son something incredibly important that I’ll miss because I use the Niki scenes for food runs.
Isaac will paint one too many cheerleader paintings and get visited by Chris Hansen from NBC’s other top-rated show.
At some point Claire and the Haitian will get picked up by someone in a Nissan Versa because Hiro lost his and the sponsors are getting antsy.
Claude, the invisible guy who was helping train Peter Petrelli and who used to work with HRG, will be joined by Kuron, a new hero whose powers will only make sense to those 4 “Heroes” fans who have decoded his backstory that was encoded on random Kellogg’s “Heroes” brand corn flakes box tops.
Hiro will be aided in his cross-country quest by the mythological Three Graces, played by Jeri Ryan, Lucy Lawless, and, what the hell, Sarah Michelle Gellar, who will, as expected, turn out to be the third-cousin-twice-removed of the mysterious Linderman.
Mohinder will be killed by the super-powered serial killer and travel buddy Sylar, who wants to absorb Mohinder’s own ability; that of being almost criminally stupid.
Peter’s scar, mentioned by future-Hiro, will turn out to be the result of Sylar trying to open Peter’s head during the final episode smackdown. Seriously, I think this one will happen.
In a surprising twist, Hiro will travel back in time to actually become George Takei so he can be in the original Star Trek and heroically prevent the “Spock’s Brain” episode, saving millions.
Linderman will ultimately be revealed as Nathan’s mom (played by Malcolm McDowell, in a wig).
Are you on the save the cheerleader list? Tune in next week and see!