• my constant companion
• a convenient handle to get me out of bed in the morning
• the tie-breaking vote when my brain and my heart just can’t decide on the next dating move
• occasionally cute and cuddly, especially right after
• an excellent source of flexible dry heat, very good for chest colds
• friends to more people than I am, somehow
• a handy impromptu washcloth hook
• a magic toy that doesn’t need batteries or nuthin
• a fun way to flip M&M’s to my mouth when I’m in bed and bored
• capable of cracking walnuts after a few weeks of forced inactivity
• an impressive-sounding 152400 microns
• known to curl up and flee within my body at the first sign of danger, such as angry bikers or really cold pools
• just like my very best friend — shows up when I don’t want him to, doesn’t show up when I do want him to, and seems to like really strange women
• an obvious target for hurled onion rings
• just the right size to wear G.I. Joe’s helmet
• the bane of my wife’s 3 a.m. existence
• a sturdy book prop for reading in the tub
• entirely the wrong thing to present in court as a surprise witness. Who knew?
• useful for keeping my front pockets apart
• always there for me
• gifted with the ability to change my mood, attitude, and intelligence level with just a twitch
• gradually being trained to respond to simple voice commands, such as, “are you awake?” and, “thanks for going shopping with me, now what do you want to do?”
• the exact color of latte, with cream
• a manly 1.524e+09 angstroms
• completely confused by y-front shorts
• entirely capable of meeting, wooing, and seducing a woman before my brain realizes what’s going on and why we’re all headed to the parking lot
• well-trained and respondent to my touch, like a show dog
• ultimately in charge of the TV remote
• perfect for scooping out the lint trap
• the outward manifestation of my testosterone-laced, whipcord-muscled, utter machismo-drenched manhood, out in the open for all to see and admire
• not at all the thing that those kids at the bus stop were expecting
• better when shared, just like love and french fries.
MY PENIS IS…
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