At long last, after years of anticipation, petitions, hostage demands, and outright begging, millions of fans can finally buy the most influential science fiction epic ever made on DVD: “Mork & Mindy.”
Also, the first Star Wars trilogy.
Of course it won’t be the Star Wars movies you remember, exactly. Creator George Lucas has made more tweaks on top of the controversial changes he made to the beloved original movies to create the “Special Edition” versions in 1997. His defense, then and now, has been that each change brings the movies closer to his original artistic concept, neener neener neener.
Purist fans objected loudly, but fortunately the soundproofing on their parents’ basements was pretty good and no one really noticed. However, some of the first changes have been readdressed in this new, “final” release.
For example, one of the most violently contested changes in the “Special Edition” re-releases was during the confrontation between Han Solo and the alien Greedo in the cantina where the scene was digitally altered so that Greedo shot first. Many fans felt this was an unwelcome softening of Solo’s character and untrue to the spirit of the movie, and that Lucas was a doodyhead. Possibly in response to this outcry, the scene has been changed again and now takes up nearly a third of the first movie as Greedo and Solo are thrown together in a pitched battle full of noble sacrifices, thrilling displays of martial arts skill, and an emotional ending when Solo, victorious at last, respectfully shoots Greedo in the head.
What other alterations can you expect? Here’s a quick list:
Sir Alec Guiness’s performance has been digitally woodened to match the other actors.
Some dialogue has been slightly altered to make the first three movies more closely match the newer prequels: “Luke, I am your father! Your mother is dead, much like my mother, who, as you remember, died in Episode Two!”
Yoda now sounds less like an aged, venerable Grover, and more like an aged, venerable Fozzie Bear.
Many scenes deleted for space were restored, such as the one where Darth Vader follows the droids to Tatooine, enters the space port cantina, and does the Darth-tusi before strangling the bartender with his mind.
The lightsabers of Darth Vader, Obi-Won Kenobi, and Luke Skywalker have been digitally altered to more closely resemble the newer toys.
In a surprise twist, the bounty hunter chasing our heroes through the second and third movies is revealed to be not Boba Fett after all, but an old, embittered Jar-Jar Binks. Subsequently, his death in the maw of the Sarlacc in ‘Return of the Jedi,’ where he finds a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly digested over a thousand years, is now much more deeply satisfying.
Darth Vader now carries a high school picture of Natalie Portman in his wallet.
Somewhere on the visible surface of every single item in the movies, including the actors, are the words “(C) LucasArts, all rights reserved.”
In a bow to the relationship revealed in the third movie, Luke and Leia’s kiss in ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ has been digitally altered to reduce the amount of tongue.
The tired John Williams score has been augmented with new music, including the songs “The Imperial Rap,” “Smack My Sith Up,” and “Use the Force, Yo,” as Lucas originally envisioned.
Throughout the trilogy, Darth Vader continually lifts his helmet to reveal a mugging and winking Hayden Christensen.
R2D2 is now Mac OS X compliant.
All of the blasters in the movies have been digitally replaced with walkie-talkies.
New characters have been inserted into almost every scene in all three movies because Hasbro has run out of action figures to make and has resorted to making figures like “Craft Services Phil” and “Assistant to Mr. Lucas (w/Kung Fu Grip).”
Finally, the glowing actor depicting Anakin Skywalker at the end has been replaced with a glowing Hayden Christensen, who is then joined by the glowing bodies of all the Jedis who perished onscreen, including a few they made up on the spot.
Don’t sweat the changes. It’s time for a new generation to thrill to these hallowed, all-new adventures the way we did, to devote their lives towards finding new mistakes and inconsistencies, and to grant each other a prosperous life with the same catch-phrase we used, all those years ago.
Nanoo, nanoo.