Happy New Year’s! It’s time to fondly remember all the things we’ve accomplished over the last year, have a drink, and then solemnly vow to never do any of them ever again.
Most resolutions happen soon after the horrified realization of the state you woke up in on New Year’s afternoon, but those are usually unthinking, knee-jerk reactions to the sight of your own bodily fluids as opposed to well-thought-out guidelines for a new and improved you. Such panicky resolutions are often extreme and unrealistic, such as “I’ll lose 84 lbs by Arbor Day” or “I’ll never drink vodka and lighter fluid again.”
Me, I prefer to choose my resolutions carefully so that I can carefully craft myself into the perfectly realized paragon of humanity that is my destiny. Also I like resolutions I have a slim chance of keeping, like “I resolve to wake up, most days.” Here’s my list.
I resolve to never again think that people with cell phones are “asking for it.”
I resolve to go to the gym at least three days a week, or however often the blonde in the pink Lycra shows up.
I resolve to floss much more often. In fact, the new me will floss not just teeth but between any two parts of my body that are in regular contact.
I resolve to treat every other living soul I meet exactly as I would wish to be treated, by giving them money and a luxury car.
I resolve to read the dosages much more carefully from now on.
I resolve to stop yelling out obscene and unwanted commentary during Saturday morning library storybook time, if at all possible.
I resolve to stay out of the SWAT marksman’s line of fire.
I resolve to stick closer to my diet, even to the point of having a copy on my person at all times to give me something to read in the line at McDonald’s.
I resolve to remember that “Not to Be Taken Internally” doesn’t refer to where I’m standing at the time.
I resolve to give the psychiatric interns a bit more slack next time.
I resolve to stop firing off fire extinguishers in movie theaters, no matter how much those loudmouths in the back rows deserve it.
I resolve to stop calling Sunday morning talk radio shows to request “Smack My Bitch Up.”
I resolve to always, always, always make sure the person I’m chatting with online is really female, of age, and not affiliated with any local or federal law enforcement agencies. Fool me once, shame on you…
I resolve to stop adding the words “in space” to anything anyone says to me.
I resolve to cut back on how much old growth timber I personally log for recreational use.
I resolve to stop training my dog to attack anyone wearing a tie.
I resolve to observe all applicable restraining orders, no matter how inconvenient.
I resolve to think of better excuses for my habitual workplace tardiness, as the “orphanage fire” and “roadside space shuttle assistance” ones are getting old.
I resolve to stop sneaking over to my neighbor’s house and resetting his TiVo so it stops recording ten minutes before the end of every program. Sure it’s fun, but all that screaming is keeping me awake.
I resolve to spend more time with my children and really listen to what they have to say, especially when they use words like “help,” “fire,” and “hemorrhaging.”
I resolve to finally break my non-smoking habit.
I resolve to cut my cola intake to less than one tanker truck a day, barring major holidays or unexpected potato chip outbreaks.
I resolve to stop making all my decisions by throwing darts, especially while driving.
I resolve to quit using the vacuum tubes at the bank drive thru to send unexpected gerbils to the tellers, no matter how funny it is.
I resolve to give all people, no matter what their political, religious, and philosophical beliefs may be, the same respect I give to any ravenous attack dog.
And, finally, I resolve to more fully appreciate all the things my life has blessed me with. Even the dumb stuff.