The following is an excerpt from the nearly-exciting new book, “Make Mine Vanilla” by Kurt Hanrehan, coming out this fall from Missionary Press.
Has sex gotten boring for you? Does it seem like it’s hardly worth it to test the eyehooks in the ceiling anymore, or oil the harnesses, or schedule everyone for the weekend orgy? Have you ever been licking your master’s tire treads clean and suddenly realized you’d rather watch TV? Does the thought of your lover pissing on you from atop of the china cabinet just not hold the thrill it used to? Do you ever find yourself staring at your pierced labia and just wondering “why?”
Don’t fret, my friend. You just need to limit your sex life.
It’s a common complaint these days. After years of civil rights movements, increased sexual awareness, lessened social stigmas, and an unavoidable all-absorbing flood of ever-more-explicit sex in all forms of media, people were encouraged to open up their drab sexual lives and embrace the weird. Ropes, chains, diapers, groups of thirty at a time, inserting chunks of lead through various organs, controlled asphyxiation, phone sex, cybersex, tantric sex, fiurry sex, hot wax, fetishes of all sorts, humiliation, four hour orgasms, and even aggravated celibacy have all broken the taboo barrier and are all now commonplace. And that’s the problem. You’re jaded. You have no new sticky vistas, no shining sexual edge to seek. You pushed the envelope and now it’s gone. So what now? Take up gardening? Spend time with the needy? Pay more attention to your family?
No! It’s time for you to try the last unexplored sexual lifestyle, with sexual techniques that have been passed down for thousands of years. Vanilla sex. Just like your parents used to do. Well, maybe your grandparents. Or the elderly neighbors.
Vanilla sex is comprised of a small variety of sexual manuevers acted out by two (2) people. Paraphanalia is limited to non-decorative, non-vibrating birth control and a limited range of toys. But that hardly begins to touch on the wonders and magic of vanilla sex. Just look at the advantages:
• Dramatically shortened prep time, leaves more time for late night television
• No special equipment needed, a big money-saver
• Fast cleanup; no worries about rust, wear or dry rot
• Convenient positions leave hands and mouths free
• Less chance of injuries from restraints, chokers, electrical shock or accidental drowning
• Easier to become presentable when unexpected guests arrive, e.g. parents, campus security, the Rapture, the pizza guy,
• It can be performed nearly anywhere, without special loadbearing rafters or reinforced bannisters
• Less frantic movement is involved, which means there’s less chance you’ll be distracted and miss any of the game
• Lessened chance of children, visitors or pets accidentally finding your favorite rubber devices
• Usually over before your cigarette goes out
• With care, you might not even wake her
To illustrate, I’ll describe a typical sexual act for you now. Much of it may seem strange, even perverted, to you, but it is important that you keep an open mind. Many, many billions of people have participated in similar acts, there is no shame for you if you find that you enjoy them as well. Or at least not much shame, anyway.
This act will be performed by a man and a woman. It can be done with same-sex couples – homosexuals can be just as bland as anyone else – but there is a greater chance of alternative techniques to creep in.
The man and woman may sit and talk to each other, possibly flirting and teasing each other into a mild state of sexual readiness. Alcohol and “Barry White” music may be involved. Either person may initiate contact, by touching the other’s face or hair, or by leaning forward for a kiss. No money should change hands. Some preliminary cuddling and sex play continues, during which most or all of the clothing may be removed (carefully, so that it may be worn again) and oral sex may be enjoyed. Be careful not to use anything exotic or organic here, although canned whipped cream is just cliche enough to be okay.
Once the approved level of arousal is reached by both lovers (or at least by the guy), sexual intercourse may be initiated. The woman lays back on a bed or a couch and the man lowers himself over her. Please note that he does not place his boot on her head, or even bind her in any way. In return she does not whip or strike him, nor does she verbally abuse him in any way. That comes later, after the impotence is discovered. The man inserts his reasonably stiffened penis into her vagina (she may assist him) (she may need to) (who are we kidding) and begins to thrust in and out in a rhythmic motion.
Um. That’s it.
Well, she could flip over, or even get on top, and he can lift her in the air or maybe switch back and forth between oral sex and intercourse, but otherwise that’s pretty much it. But just think: after a few months of this, even the simplest featherplay will seem like a deviant and sinful indulgence. And doesn’t that make it all worthwhile?