This year marks the 40th anniversary of the original Star Trek and, in the traditional reaction to that milestone date, it’s having some work done.
(Yes, I know this makes three science fiction columns from me in a row, but when you get science fiction you get trilogies. It just happens.)
Paramount is celebrating 40 years of relatively successful franchising by having all 79 episodes — even the bad ones — of the iconic 1960s sci-fi series digitally remastered to bring back the color, fix some of the more embarrassing FX gaffes, punch up the music, add some depth to the planet scenes (so horizons no longer look like they’re 20 feet away), and CG the space scenes so they look more like, you know, space. Purists gave a half-hearted outcry for the unsullied versions, but since the originals are still easily available — unlike the original theatrical Star Wars movies, which Lucas finally released yesterday under gunpoint — it hasn’t been that big a deal.
Early reviews say that the new episodes are cleaner and brighter, with Enterprise flybys more suited to a high-def widescreen TV, although Paramount has said they have no immediate plans to release the remastered versions on DVD. (Pause now for a hearty laugh.) But will there be any other changes besides the purely cosmetic? One or two, one or two. . .
In the credits, the name “William Shatner” has been replaced with “Emmy AwardTM-winning William Shatner, best-selling author and star of stage, screen, and recording studio, now on Boston Legal, Tuesday nights on ABC.” The other credits will be reduced accordingly, to make room.
The Kirk/Uhura kiss in “Plato’s Stepchildren” now has 23% more tongue.
The previously deleted Jabba the Hut scene has been restored.
A wide and expressive array of obscenity, human and alien, has been added for the cable markets.
If you look closely at the Starfleet personnel when they face the “onlies” in “Miri” you can see that their phasers have been changed to walkie talkies.
To help alleviate the contradictions and inconsistencies introduced by 20 years of successive Star Trek series, minor references will be looped into the dialogue. “Look at that, Bones. Must have been Klingons, or possibly Xindi, an alien race we’ve never mentioned previously that nonetheless wiped out millions of humans on Earth before being chased by Captain Archer on an earlier Enterprise which we have also never mentioned before.”
The scene in “The Naked Time” where Sulu runs around topless and oiled has been digitally remastered to be, somehow, even more gay.
Thanks to a paid sponsorship from MTV, the Enterprise has been totally pimped to include chrome fenders, spinning rims, nerf bars, a billet grill, a spoiler, a full-on, bitching sound system and a black and red scalloped paint job, with flames.
Ninjas, ninjas, ninjas!
Dialogue will be updated to be more relevant, replacing Lt. Uhura’s “Hailing frequencies open, sir,” with “Oh, no you di-int, girl” and introducing Spock’s dispassionate “Fascinating, yo.”
One major crewmember will die. Call in and cast your vote now!
“Let That Be Your Last Battlefield,” the one with the two warring white-black and black-white guys, now includes even more overt references to racial issues (including subtitles) in case you somehow missed them the first time.
The Enterprise’s LCARS computer system has been replaced by Vista, although popups still warn that it’s a beta version.
With the aid of sophisticated filters, the rest of the cast has been subtly dimmed so you can see Kirk better.
Spock’s love scene in “This Side of Paradise” now offers full frontal.
To address a major lack in racial parity among the otherwise balanced crew, all of the red-shirted landing party members will be given Hispanic features.
The hippies in “The Way to Eden” will be replaced with neohippies, Deadheads, off-the-gridders, and members of Greenpeace.
In an effort to tone down the sex-kitten-look of the female Starfleet uniforms, longer skirts were created by taking material from the uniforms’ cleavage.
A rap version of the theme song will play during the credits, for some ungodly reason.
Not all of the suggested changes went through. Seatbelts were considered for the bridge chairs but were deemed dangerously undramatic. And after the idea was floated to digitally alter Kirk’s face to resemble Matt Damon (rumored to be playing a young Kirk in an upcoming prequel movie), it was decided it would be more cost effective and easier all around to just surgically alter Matt Damon.
The first reworked episode, “Balance of Terror,” will begin airing September 16. Check your local listings.