I am a decent writer. Need a quick column? I’m there. Need a short story or essay or script or poem? I laugh and reach for my keyboard. Need to compose a polite but insistent e-mail to a retailer to complain about the shopping cart left lodged wheel-deep into your Civic? I’m on it. And yet, when faced with the most minor writing task imaginable, I freeze up.
Such as, for example, leaving feedback at eBay.
It’s a simple thing, really. You’ve made a transaction at this popular online auction site, you’re either happy or unhappy with the results, and all you have to do is check a box and leave a short comment about the ordeal. But I stare at the screen helplessly, torn over my choice. After all, future generations will look at my words before putting their faith in this person. The 80 characters or less that I write may make the difference between someone’s personal satisfaction and their financial ruin. And what if my seller just had an off day but doesn’t really deserve the crushing report I want to deliver? Do I want the responsibility of being the only “Negative” comment in an otherwise sterling life?
Mostly though, it’s because I like my words to stand out, but I still find myself typing the same things as everybody else. “Great service, fast payment. AAA+++” Not something you’ll hear quoted at a dinner party, unless you have a much more interesting life than I do. So I’m working on my eBay style for both positive and negative comments. Here’s what I have so far.
“Thou gen’rous, wing-footed glory! A gladsome sale, indeed. Hurrah! Recommended.”
“Great Scott! This sale has given me super powers!”
“Flower petals fall / Slowly in a gentle breeze / Faster than this shipment”
“My faith in humanity, thought lost forever, is restored. Bloodbath averted.”
“Lo, this seller is a god among men. HEED MY WORDS OR DIE ALONE AND UNLOVED!”
“Champagne auction failed to specify that it would be shipped via Baggie”
“I would step on my children to buy from this seller again”
“Could you swing by my house and kick my dog? You’ve ruined everything else.”
“I want to have seller’s children. At least three, or the highest bid.”
“Mule arrived slightly damaged, but heroin was as described”
“Transaction served as wholly adequate replacement for human contact. Bless you.”
“Fast shipping. Good communication. Seller once saved the president’s life.”
“Diamond ring actually brass. Please return mocking bird.”
“Your item gave me cancer. And it was late, too.”
“Airholes, dammit! Remember the airholes! Refunded.”
“Caressing my purchase gave me psychic flashes of seller’s life. Great e-bayer!”
“Since my purchase I have lost 65 lbs and found true love! Wow!”
“Thou greasy, clay-brained rabbit-sucker! A pox on your ID, villain!”
“Packaged as described, although the loose cocaine was not mentioned”
“Axe arrived quickly and with only minor bloodstains”
“Remember this feedback when they find my body, and cry for me”
“Is it legal to sell this on eBay? Is this weapons-grade?”
“Buying from this seller an almost intoxicating pleasure. I can’t stop. I won’t”
“The item was crap, but your description was beautiful. I tattooed it on my neck.”
“Great sale, despite eBay’s lack of “Human Trafficking” category.”
“Well-packed. Four days and I can’t open it, even with power tools. Despair.”
“I didn’t want the silly thing, I just like bidding”
“Shoulda wiped off the fingerprints. Finally, we’ve got you! AAA++++”
“ALERT: Feedback starting with ALERT is a virus! Delete your account if seen!”
“Packaging was perfect, got right past the guards. Thanks!”
“Down, down to hell, and say I send thee thither”
“Received payment in time to release buyer’s daughter. Satisfactory.”
“Enjoyed it so much I returned the item so she could sell it to me again, faster”
“Toaster oven failed to bake toaster. Seller laughed when I e-mailed. Avoid!”
“Item arrived promptly. Curse on my descendants not mentioned in description”
“I have left my family and now roam behind this seller, learning and growing”
“Townspeople’s souls turned over in a timely manner. A+++”
“A bit more of my youth has been lost, torn away by lies and poor shipping habits.”
“Buyer should be opening package with hidden GPS…now. Activate missles.”
“The speed and courtesy were unexpected, as was the enclosed butter.”
“Packed so well mailman kept for himself. Depression.”
“Enjoy your ill-gotten gain. My sons will avenge me! Avenge me!”
“Payment! At last I can leave this life of crime! Recommended.”
“Swift payment, no problems, great kisser.”
“Good buyer. Speedy sale. Untraceable. A++”
“Sale! It was crap and he bought it! Let’s see, what else can I get rid of…”
“Bought from myself, seller still ripped me off. I hate him.”
I think simple, almost Zen koan-like referrals such as these will go a long way towards improving the online shopping experience, as well as bringing my user level way, way down. And then everybody wins!
A++!
Laughing out loud in front of my computer. Chris, you’ve done it again. *wipes tears*
Wonderful entry
A blog to make my heart dance
Wish it were daily
Excellent column writer! Good packaging, fast shipping. Would read column again. AAA+++
Columnist made me late for meeting. Failed to post proper “Too Funny To Stop Reading” warning. Reader beware!
Thank you so much! I have been seeking inspiration for my eBay feedback and you have done it! Huzzah! I’m so sick of leaving the same feedback and have been trying to get some ideas for over a year! Awesome! GR-8 eBay’r!