Monday I lost a link to my first experience with consumer awareness. Rod Roddy, the man who spent the last 17 years yelling “Come on DOWN, you’re the next contestant on… ‘The Price is Right!’ “died of cancer. Presumably he’ll move on to the Showcase Round.
When I was growing up, “The Price is Right” and “Jeopardy!” and similar game shows were my primary source of information. By the time I was 9, I could accurately identify the tallest waterfall in the world (Angel Falls), what “ZIP” in “ZIP code” stands for (Zoning Improvement Plan), and the sticker price for an Amana two-door electric freezer ($1 more than whatever the middle contestant guessed).
“Name That Tune” taught me speed and music appreciation as it related to winning big prizes. ‘Tic Tac Dough’ taught me strategy. “Hollywood Squares” and “Match Game” and “The Newlywed Game” all taught me that “whoopee” was a noun. “Family Feud” taught me how to think under pressure, and to never stand too close to Richard Dawson.
Now that I think about it, most of the knowledge that’s stuck with me through the years has come from popular entertainment. Sure, I learned reading and math and other boring stuff in school, but they didn’t let me buzz in for the answers and there was rarely a chance to win a car (although this may have changed since the FCAT).
Thanks to “M*A*S*H,” I’ve always been ready to perform an emergency tracheotomy with a ballpoint pen at a moment’s notice. I even taught myself to juggle after watching Hawkeye do it, which is more than my college algebra teacher ever did.
All of my emergency medical skills come from television. The rudiments of CPR (hands crossed over the sternum, rhythmic pumps, not too hard or you’ll hurt the actor), how to deal with the victim of a car wreck (yank them out of the car and shake them around right away), how to save someone from drowning (run out in slow motion, toss your hair), even how to handle a bullet wound (wince, ignore it for 20 more minutes plus commercials), all of that makes me a handy man to know in a crisis.
I get most of my news from “The Daily Show.” I’ve learned philosophy from “The Matrix,” quantum physics from “Back to the Future” and “Terminator,” rules of interpersonal relationships from countless talk shows, and the need to bolster the economy by shopping, from just about everything.
Even cartoons have broadened my brain. “Dexter’s Laboratory” taught me how to say “cheese omelet” in French. The “Animaniacs” gave me the countries of the world in show tune form. I can sing the preamble to the Constitution thanks to “Schoolhouse Rock,” and even after 30 years I still think of Snoopy’s mouth harp to remember that I comes before E, except after C.
There are some gaps in my education, of course. All I know about WWII is what I’ve gleaned from “Schindler’s List,” “Hogan’s Heroes,” and the first five minutes of the first “X-Men” movie. I’ve since tried to learn more about this horrific period in world history by asking historians how Colonel Klink could be such a coward and still have so many medals, but I’ve yet to get any useful responses.
It still beats my knowledge of Russian history, which is solely derived from the song “Sympathy For the Devil.”
My education continues. In just the last few months I finally learned how to shave properly and open CD wrapping in a snap, thanks to “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go study. “Smallville” is on.