So. You’ve got a video camera, and you and your lover have decided to film yourselves having sex (these two events often occur the same day, sometimes while you’re still in Best Buys). This is a wholely admirable thing, in my view. It shows the depth of your love for one another, it shows that you prefer reality to fake, pre-packaged porn, and it shows that you’re completely free and comfortable having a camera lens sticking up between your legs. Good for you!
First things first, Cecille B. First you need to make sure your lover’s into it. Might not be a bad idea to make sure you won’t freeze up yourself, hotshot. Try having sex in front of a camera in more innocent places – the photo booth at the mall, behind local newscasters doing live stories (“Hi mom!”), at a major league ballgame so you can get on the JumboTron (“Hi dad!”). and like that. Go find the security cameras at work and do a screen test. Or you can go the mundane approach of setting up the camera to display on your tv and then either film yourself fully clothed (to get an idea of how big your butt looks) or just watch yourselves without recording (you wuss, you).
It’s entirely possible that your lover may not want to go on after this point, and it’s perfectly natural and normal. But natural don’t get you a home-made porn tape, so you’ll have to convince her. Sweet-talk her. Spend extra time with her, but don’t pressure her and never mention the camera. Try logic and reason. Try big heavy bribes. However, do NOT hide the camera and then “surprise” her with the tape afterwards. It will not end well, unless you think explaining to the admitting nurse why you have a video cassette in your lower intestine is a fun afternoon. Take the time and try some gentler methods:
• Tell her how beautiful you think she is, and that you want to capture her beauty.
• Tell her that the love you share is a precious thing and would look great on widescreen format with Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound.
• Tell her it’ll give you something you can whack to without feeling disloyal.
• Offer to put her name above the title.
• Offer to let her film you first (but don’t do anything you wouldn’t want her friends to see, because they will).
• Offer her points (but on net, not gross; no reason to be stupid about this).
• Let her do the audio commentary.
Do not, however, offer to let her best friend stand in for the close-up penetration shots.
Once she says yes, and passes the audition, it’s time to set the stage. First, the problem every director faces: where to put the camera. Some thoughts:
• Set it up so it points at the bed, hook it to your tv, and go at it. Pro: You’ll be able to see yourselves (which can be a kick) and you’ll be able to stay in the right place. Con: You’ll see the heretofore-unsuspected series of pimples on your butt, and you’ll strain something trying to stay in focus.
• If you have access to two cameras (borrow a friend’s) set em up in two different places and then edit afterwards to get a more proessional look. Maybe one on the dresser, and one pointing up from the floor for that Batman tv show angle.
• Hang it from the ceiling, pointing down. Interesting angle, and you can always swing it for a cool music video effect.
• Or you can attach it to the ceiling fan.
• Hey! Strap it to the top of a oscillating floor fan so you only swing onto the screen occasionally. Very new wave, or something.
• Strap the camera to your back, or your chest, or duct-tape it to a hardhat and get to work.
• Or you can just hold it while you have sex. It’s kinda one-sided that way, so try passing it back and forth (but don’t stop what you’re doing). Expect to get giggly.
The camera problem can be solved by having a friend do your taping for you, which brings a whole new set of problems. Do you have any friends you trust to be aiming a camera at your ass? Do you have any friends who express interest in aiming a camera at your ass? Are you bothered by this?
Obviously this is something that should be worked out beforehand – having a friend “just show up” with a videocamera and klieg lights is asking for spousal rage and a few weeks of couch encampment.
Talk it over with your lover, talk it over with your friend, make sure what’s understood (film but not touch, film but not touch too much, touch whatever you want just keep filming, etc) and make absolutely sure that all of you are comfortable with this. Try to pick a friend who is fun to be around and doesn’t already have an unhealthy interest in your lover (otherwise you’ll end up with 120 minutes of tight closeups that don’t seem to involve you at all), and one that can deal with being sexually aroused for a few hours without any sort of release that might jiggle the lens. You might try making out in front of your friend just to make sure you’re all comforatble with it, and it might take weeks of building up before you can relax enough to go hardcore.
Of course if your lover’s cute friend pulls off her shirt, picks up the camera and says “Hey, why don’t you guys do it?” all bets are off.
If you or your lover want a cameraperson but are just too shy or feel too weird about it, let your friend run the camera but make ’em wear a blindfold. They can just aim at the noise (for that video documentary feel), or you can work out some sort of twisted variant of “Marco Polo”. Or they can just creep forward until their toes meet flesh and then aim down.
Then there’s the setting. Are you going to start the camera rolling and then just hop to? Fun for the first thirty or forty times, but it can get old and repetitious to watch, probably. So you’ll want to experiment with:
Costuming and sets. Hey, why not, it’s your movie. Play with different clothing and disguises, wigs and makeup, props and settings. No one’s gonna see it but you and 37 of your closest friends, go for it.
• Go with the obvious ones first, just to get them out of your system. Babysitter and kid, wife and pizza delivery guy, husband and maid, husband and hooker, husband and pizza delivery guy, policewoman and speeder, fireman and grateful rescuee, fireman and ungrateful rescuee, fireman and pizza delivery guy, and so on.
• Then move on to more specific duos. JFK and Marilyn. Gomez and Morticia. Batman and Robin. Bogie and Becall. Adam and Eve. Martin and Lewis. Bonnie and Clyde. Antony and Cleopatra. Barbie and Ken. Proctor and Gamble. Ozzie and Harriet. The coyote and the roadrunner. Lone Ranger and Tonto. Neo and Trinity. Traci Lords and that guy. The red M&M and the green M&M.
• Act out the love scene from a favorite movie and continue where the cowardly producers left off.
• Turn on the TV and play a torrid love scene based on the first show you get. “Gilligan’s Island” is a hell of a lot of fun, although you’d probably want to avoid “Cops” or “Alien Autopsy.” Be sure to act out some cartoons – the Road Runner ones work well for bedroom chase scenes, and there are some deeply sexual undertones in Scooby-Doo.
• Try a classic. If your videocamera is up to it, set it to “sepia” or black and white and make a silent movie. Wear lots of pancake makeup and vintage clothes, and knock things over a lot. If your friend is there he or she can hold up black cards over the lens with dialogue and exposition (“And now I have you in my clutches! Ha ha!” “Oh, no! No! No! A little lower. That’s it. No! No!”). Better if you can edit it afterwards and speed it up a little, maybe add the cheesy piano score. Best if you can get a bunch of friends to strip down and do an adult Keystone Kops movie.
• If you can’t manage overdubbing afterwards, include a soundtrack by playing a CD while you tape. I suggest the soundtracks from “The Princess Bride”, “Indiana Jones”, “The Matrix”, or “The Wizard of Oz”.
• If you can dub later, be sure to delete those chipmunk noises you were making and dub in something more virile-sounding, like “Take it all, you wanton! For I am an American!”
• Or add cartoon sound effects at appropriate times.
• Or do it all to a famous work, like Ravel’s “Bolero” or Chruchill’s “Blood, Sweat and Tears” speech.
And a few tips of advice:
• If you’re going to shave, practice first and powder afterwards. Razor burn does nothing for me.
• Check for fresh pimples before you go on set. Please.
• Avoid the under-the-balls shot, it’s tacky and you might damage the camera with a flying testicle.
• Use the lighting that doesn’t put that yellow cast all over the walls, furniture, and you.
• Don’t wave away any objections she has by saying it’ll be fixed in post-production.
• Do not stop in the middle because you think you weren’t in the moment.
• Do not retreat to your trailer if you get pissed.
• Save your bloopers.
• Send them to me.
And finally, you’ll need to label the tape something not only harmless but actually repulsive, to prevent accidental viewing or theft. Try something like “Bill’s Colonoscopy” or “American Postage Stamp Museum, 1996 Tape 2 of 5”.
Happy filming! You perverts, you.