Ever been picked up by the fuzz?
Sorry, old joke. How’s your anterior grooming? Nicely trimmed? Buzz cut? Comb-over?
It’s a serious question, or at least as serious a question as you’re likely to find here. Do you pay any attention to your crotch coif? Would you be ready if your pubic become public?
It is a sad fact that people, especially men, generally don’t pay a lot of attention to their nether dos. Maybe you tried shaving it once and then you went nuts scratching yourself for a week while it grew back, maybe you let a lover trim before diving in, but otherwise you just let it grow wild. I say for shame.
Let’s dispense with the negatives right off: Shaving hurts. The guys in the locker room will avoid me. I break out easily. I keep cutting myself. It’s too high-maintenance. I feel like an idiot. She’ll think I’m a fruit. He’ll think I’m a slut. My gynecologist will think I’m coming on to him. Why should I bother?
Well, you don’t have to shave completely bare to be neat. In fact, if I were to judge solely by the results I see in most porn movies and amateur websites, you probably shouldn’t. It does you no good to shave yourself smooth if all we’re going to see is lots of pimples. Please, let’s use some common sense here. Moisturizers and skin care emollients are your friends.
But you can certainly trim yourself (or have yourself trimmed). Experiment with different styles. Leave that little Mohawk stripe that Playboy models seem to favor. Leave it everywhere but trim it back to quarter-inch length for that freshly-mown look. Leave the stuff on your abdomen alone and just shave the areas around your goodies, or vice versa. Grow it long and braid it, stick some beads on there. Or shave it all off and have pubic hair tattooed on. Anything!
And just look at all the advantages of keeping your fur controlled:
• Your lover is less likely to be frightened the first time you disrobe by what appears to be some sort of wildlife in your shorts. Quick-witted lovers may grab a bludgeoning weapon, and you might not be fast enough with the defense.
• Lubricant gets to you faster if it doesn’t have to work through the forest first.
• Add inches to your sex life! Gentlemen, pay attention: there’s a reason male porn stars shave their hair — Image is Everything. Depending on how hirsute you are, whittling your hair down to the skin can add an inch or two of visible penis. It’s like getting an extension without any of those harmful creams or block-and-tackle devices.
• It’s easier to find dropped peanuts when you’re snacking.
• Handing your loved one a pair of small, sharp scissors with a wicked grin and then lying back and opening your legs is a hell of a way to start an evening. Have a warm, wet washcloth, a towel, and some chocolate syrup nearby.
• You can hand out locks of your hair to treasured friends or Jehovah’s Witnesses.
• You can do cool little designs. A heart is obvious, and an arrow, but how about a celtic design? Maybe some of those funky designs people are getting tattooed these days. The word “Hi!”. A pair of horns, or a Mucha art-deco design? A barcode? A varsity letter? A happy face? An exclamation mark! A daisy! You could even shape a little vagina, just to confuse nearsighted rapists! A lightning bolt! Landscape yourself, carve a little maze and force lovers to solve it to get to the prize. Make a little Pokémon, the kids’ll love it. Do whatever you want, it’ll grow back and you can do it again.
• Lice and crabs will be out in the open and easier to hunt down.
• It won’t be as easy for a drunken partner to pass out and suffocate, which is always a concern.
• Your lover might be more inclined to treat your delicates with care if it’s obvious that you care about ’em. Be sure to make them replace their divots.
• If your lawn guy is cute, you can get him to trim you every weekend. Don’t let him use the whacker.
• Unshorn locks might snarl and trap a date’s fingers, and that can kill a blossoming relationship. It’s also a serious pain for all involved when your hair gets ensnarled in his class ring or her twist-band watch. Streamlined pubes help hands to slide easily: great for cramped foreign cars and theater back rows.
• You’re not as likely to commit one of the worst things a person can do to him or herself — catching your curls in your zipper. Or somebody else’s zipper. Also spiral notebooks won’t nip you as badly. I hate that.
• It can remove some of the uncertainty for beginners who aren’t quite sure where to start looking.
• It can help you feel “clean and fresh,” just like the women on the hygiene commercials, with their white gym outfits and horseback riding demonstrations.
So remember your fluff, and treat it well. Someday, when the bank robber forces all of you to strip and stand still, you’ll be able to stand proud and free. And a bit cooler.