Ever since Lemony Snicket began to document the trials and tribulations of the unfortunate Baudelaire orphans in the first book “The Bad Beginning,” concerned parents have worried that these morbidly depressing accounts might be upsetting to their own innocent children. This popular book series — now a box-office-smash movie — is consistently gloomy and pessimistic, describing the world as a dangerous place filled with distracted adults who never listen to the anguished concerns of their mortally imperiled young.
Which is exactly why children love “Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events.” They know it’s not a kid’s movie. It’s a documentary.
Yes, the Baudelaire children (Violet, 14, Klaus, 12, and Sunny, indeterminate infant) lose their parents in a mysterious fire, get placed with an abusive and greedy relative, and are forced to flee for their lives at every turn. What kid doesn’t know what that’s like? I threaten my own sons almost every day, often with something interesting like a nuclear-powered wood chipper or a boat oar.
The best children’s stories have always been dark, scary, and morally suspect. Children like them because such books simply verify what they already suspect to be true, and because they learn valuable lessons that will almost certainly help them later in life. Just look at the morals of these other children’s classics.
Remain naive and helpless and eventually a handsome man will come along and save you: “Sleeping Beauty,” “Little Red Riding Hood,” “Thumbelina,” “Snow White.” All fine examples for any young girls interested in future careers as trophy wives or car show models.
Success lies in looking beautiful: “Cinderella,” “The Ugly Duckling,” “The Princess Bride.” And you wonder why “The Swan” is so popular. Come to think of it, I still wonder that.
Be nice to every crawling or terrifying creature you meet because you might be marrying it someday: “The Frog Prince,” “Snow White and Rose Red,” “Beauty and the Beast,” a bunch of the Asian ones. Actually, that’s not a bad thing to learn. But the part about the beast changing into a prince after you’re married? That’s the fantasy part.
Material things can make you happy, according to “Aladdin,” “Jack and the Beanstalk,” “The Magic Tinderbox,” and Donald Trump.
If you travel to find your fortune, kill everyone you meet: “The Adventures of Tom Thumb,” “The Valiant Little Tailor,” “Jack and the Beanstalk,” “Jack the Giant Killer,” any other fairy tale involving some juvie named Jack. You’d think that sheriffs in olden times would just arrest anyone named Jack before he tore the place up, wouldn’t you? Or would that be profiling?
If people try to hurt you, you should kill them in really disgusting ways: “Hansel and Gretel,” “Fundevogel,” “Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves,” the “Home Alone” saga. Why is the witch in “Hansel and Gretel” the bad guy, anyway? After all, the kids did break into her gingerbread house and in Florida she’s allowed to use lethal force if they eat their way over the threshold. I just assumed she was on a really strict Atkins. Personally I’m a little more worried about the parents who abandoned their kids in the woods in the first place. Hello? DCF?
Compared to these tales of horror and degradation, the Lemony Snicket books are uplifting stories of teamwork, resourcefulness, the bonds of family, and perseverance against hardship. Any imprisoned girls pining for their prince to come would be shoved aside by Violet Baudelaire, who’d tear their fancy ball gowns into strips and rappel herself out of that tower without the need for chauvinistic royal intervention. While youngest sons wasted their time with quests and billy goats and whatever to catch golden geese, Klaus would read up on their migratory habits, calmly walk to the appropriate location, and wait for one to come to him. And if a big bad wolf came along, Sunny would bite him.
I submit that, despite most of the actual chapters and many outright warnings to the contrary, Lemony Snicket’s books are, on the whole, cheerful. After all, at the end of each book the kids are still alive. Can’t get a happier ending than that.
As long as they don’t run into anyone named Jack.