The time has come, the walrus said, to honor your love and cherish your lover. More than usual, I mean. Valentine’s Day was dropped down to us from the Roman’s feast of Lupercalia, later named for a Christian priest named Valentine who continued to secretly officiate at Roman soldier weddings despite Claudius II’s decree against it (and got beheaded for it, on February 14) and currently memorialized by expensive gifts and gangsters shooting each other. Sigh.
What does this usually mean to you? Well, usually it means either angst as you try to deduce what your loved one really wants for Valentine’s Day and they won’t give you any hints because they’re busy trying to figure out what to buy you. Or it means shrieking panic as you realize it’s February 13 and the only candy left is either the $200 boxes or the $2.99 pink boxes of M & M’s at Walgreens. Or worse, tragically, it means nothing to you. Foo on you.
I love Valentine’s Day. I love any excuse at all for going over the top in my romantic life. Valentine’s Day, birthdays, anniversaries, the nights the chicken didn’t thaw, whenever the internet connection is busy… The great thing about it is that if you do it often enough you’ll start to live that way all the time, and that’s a blast. A true Hoot Islander should always be ready to dress formally, spats and tiara, to go to Taco Bell. But why stop there? Here’s some Valentine’s day suggestions. Anybody can do the boring old diamond thing, have some fun with it.
Have an intimate dinner with your loved one(s) at a local fast food restaurant. You may want to clear it with the manager first, but then you’ll lose the fun of freaking out the people working there. Send out engraved invitations, request RSVP’s, pay a kid to wear a vest and park your car (ideally where it can be found again). Hire another kid to seat you and take orders. Many of the fast food restaurants have play areas these days, plenty of room for dancing. You might even take some time to print up menus – just translate everything into French.
Go out and play. Really. My wife and I were out wandering through Walmart one day and found their discount makeup section. We picked up some especially tacky marked-down colors of lipstick and I started making jokes about making her into a geisha girl. Next thing I know we’ve spent 2 hours and $25 picking out purple blush, bizarre stick-on nail decorations, leopard-skin hair things and an interesting hair dye. At some point it had become an obsession as we moved on to a nearby Goodwill where she found an elegant evening dress and heels while I picked out a tux that fit perfectly if I didn’t try to button it. We headed home and Teres began working with the face goo while I climbed into the tux and tried to explain to the kids why we were getting so dressed up when we weren’t going back out. At this point I’m supposed to tell you how it was a magical night of sensuous pleasures and role-playing, but actually we acted like kids through most of it and laughed through all of it.
Take her to a playground at night and push her on the swing. Sneak him out to where you used to skinny-dip years ago and see if you get caught this time. Go play miniature golf and take your driver. Stick a canoe in the bathtub and go on a fearsome Amazon adventure.
If your loved one is the greedy sort, buy something really expensive and hide it in the house somewhere. With luck you can get the place cleaned up before it’s located (Gee, it might be under those dirty dishes!).
Go out to dinner and tell different waiters or waitresses different stories. Tell one it’s her birthday, tell another it’s your anniversary, tell the manager you’re getting it’s your wedding night. The trick here is to see how many times you can get them to sing to you. Try to get 4 or 5 of those little cakes brought to your table. Ah, amoré!
Go out and do something you’ve never done. Go ice-skating for the first time. Go roller-blading. G’head, you’ll heal! Take dance lessons, practice first-aid on each other, get uv’ed and go to a rave.
Spend the entire day avoiding the spoken word. Communicate with gestures, meaningful looks, and pointing a lot. Writing notes is cheating. You may find yourself giggling a lot. it can also lead to some really enlightening sex, or possibly some form of expensive counseling.
Turn the bedroom into the perfect love nest. Stick up centerfolds on the walls, use strobe lights, install a handy gumball machine. Resheet the bed with bubble wrap. Fill the closet with popcorn. Get a couple of huge helium ballons to keep by the headboard; some timely inhalations can help create some rather disturbing chipmunk love.
Turn the lights off in the house and keep them off for the duration of the evening. No candles, no lamps, no matches. No tv. Take the bulb out of the refrigerator. Put tape over the numbers on the microwave. You may not want to combine this with the silent day previously mentioned; you might have a wildly romantic dinner without noticing your lover isn’t home yet.