Apparently women want Jessica Simpson’s hair. Not for some sensible reason, like for a wall trophy or as an ingredient for one of the more interesting rituals, but because they like her best.
In a new poll perpetrated by In Touch magazine, readers picked “Dukes of Hazzard” star and professional newlywed Jessica Simpson over runners-up Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Alba, and Angelina Jolie for most coveted do. This is despite the fact that her usual hair style reminds me of nothing so much as a Barbie that has been picked up and violently shaken, possibly by a Labrador.
The people have spoken and I respect the democratic process. However, this article kicked off an entertaining conversation between my wife and me as to what celebrity parts I personally might wish to have. Instead of my own, I mean.
At first Teresa was steadfastly loyal, swearing that I was perfect in every way and that she’d fight to the death with a fire axe before she’d allow a single one of my beloved features to be swapped. Except maybe for my hairline. And my legs. And chest. The whole physique could use an overhaul, truth to tell. In fact, we quickly determined that I could be built out of the spare parts of Richard Dryfuss (hair) and Steve Buscemi (teeth, complexion, wardrobe), with Body by Apu.
So the shopping began. And let me tell you, there were some hard choices.
Hair? Teresa pushed for Sully from “Monsters, Inc” but I decided to go with Brad Pitt, in any one of his roles where it’s not actually shaved off. Thick, wavy, and looks good no matter what’s done to it. Perfect for the lazy groomer, plus it seems to attract actresses, models, and, in general, women.
Steven Tyler’s mouth looked to be a good choice since it was sensual and talented and can eat corn on the cob without going side-to-side, but instead I picked out Bruce Willis’ grin, accompanied by a Pierce Brosnan smirk. When provoked, it would produce John Goodman’s laugh.
Teresa remained devoted to my eyes, saying she couldn’t think of a celebrity with better ones. When I asked about any eyes at all, such as those belonging to the guy at Import Autos where she takes her car after every mysterious and eerily regular malfunction, she suddenly rattled off a long list of famous peepers that had nothing whatsoever to do with any mechanic, anywhere at all. From that panicked litany I settled for Johnny Depp. Took his jaw too, with an option on his cheekbones.
I left my own nose in place, to keep me humble.
Will Smith’s post-“Ali” shoulders would fill out my shirts nicely (he can keep the ears) but I want arms from KoKo the gorilla, because those things can tear a Nissan Sentra in half.
I was deadlocked between cutting the mitts off Ray Charles or Eric Clapton – I briefly contemplated taking one of each – but sheer talent won me over and I chose the hands of Christopher Hart, who played Thing in the Addams Family movies.
Chest? Probably Brad again. Abs? According to Teresa that would be Spike, Buffy’s vampiric, occasionally evil ex. Not the actor who played him, mind you, just Spike. Legs? Baryshnikov, maybe, or Lance Armstrong.
Butt? We both came up dry on that one, but in last month’s In Touch poll readers recognized Colin Ferrell’s booty to be superior and I have no reason to doubt their findings. Sometimes you have to trust consumer reports.
For feet I went with Hugh Grant, because anyone who can get caught red-handed — or whatever — with a hooker and still have both a love life and a career has got to be the fastest dancer alive.
Some of the more ethereal qualities were easier. I want John Travolta’s luck, Johnny Depp’s personal magnetism, Tom Cruise’s bank account, Jon Stewart’s wit, Samuel L. Jackson’s cool, Groucho’s romance, Hank Azaria’s voice, Rob Thomas’ singing ability, Dave Barry’s agent, and Batman’s car.
In fact, of all the things I can call my own, there’s only one I would never trade, upgrade, or seek to improve in any way at all: my wife.
Although we could probably build up her legs a bit…