Once again it’s time for all good men and women to set aside whatever secondary interests might be filling their time — work, family, personal growth — and write a whole book in 30 days. And this year, I’m here to help you.
I’ve written previously about National Novel Writing Month, when otherwise sane people pledge to craft a 50,000-word novel during November. From its inception in 1999 when 21 maniacs decided, ‘what the heck, let’s write a book,’ to this year when over 37,000 people have signed up already, “NaNoWriMo” has grown in leaps and bounds.
There is something remarkably liberating about pounding out a novel when your only goal is completion rather than, say, quality, style, or plot. Which is why I think everyone should try it.
I’ve personally committed NaNo authorship twice and had so much fun both times – despite the hideous results — that I’ve done my best to drag others along. Sure, most of my friends and coworkers, even door-to-door evangelists shy away from me when I bring the subject up. Many run, or dive out closed windows. But c’mon! I’d be a great writing coach for anyone who wants to give NaNoWriMo a shot this year and I’ll tell you why.
Writing, like any other birth process, is painful and beautiful and bloody and often requires that someone gets slapped. I firmly believe that everyone has a novel in them, and I’m prepared to drag it out of them. With pliers, if necessary.
I have practically every how-to-write book ever written. I can tell you what Orson Scott Card has to say about character development (a lot), how James A. Michener edits his galleys (a lot), and where Rita Mae Brown gets her ideas (PetSmart). I’ve got tips from Ray Bradbury, Natalie Goldberg, Lawrence Block, and William Zinsser. There’s even a book out by NaNo founder Chris Baty (“No Plot? No Problem!”) to get you into the proper death-before-editing attitude. It’s almost like being an author myself, which is good because who has time to write when you’ve got all these how-to books to read?
I have thousands of plot ideas I’ll never use, largely due to legal injunctions, and I’ll be happy to share them. Your main characters stuck in a rut? Have them swallowed by a 75-foot, land-going, space manatee that works for a defunct cold war spy agency and speaks only in Latvian show tunes. Ha! Your readers won’t see that coming, will they?
As the classic advice goes, “To be a good writer, you have to kill your babies.” No problem! Since I have no personal or emotional stake in your work, I am fully prepared to commit literary infanticide with gleeful abandon and a great big honking red marker.
Too many distractions? Let me take away new games like Sims 2, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, and Halo 2, and new DVDs like Shrek 2, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Return of the King, Spider-Man 2, and Buffy Season 7 until the month is over. I’ll store them safely so you won’t be tempted and I won’t have to pay for them myself. That’s the kind of sacrifice I’m prepared to make.
Previous NaNo attempts, this column, and years of schooling have taught me every way there is to pad a writing assignment. I’ve shamelessly used multiple adverbs, long quotations, and stuttering characters to reach my goal, and if I mention any product at all in my book (even in dialogue) I also helpfully include nutritional information and the list of possible side effects. I can do 50,000 words in three chapters, no sweat.
So if you’ve ever wanted to be a writer, just fire up your pencils, sharpen your computers, and get going! 50,000 words in 30 days! Go for it!
And if you need help, I’ve got my pliers all ready.