Well, OK, it was consensual. I was asking for it.
Last fall the author of “Fight Club,” “Survivor,” “Diary,” Choke, “Invisible Monsters,” and some truly bizarre short stories and essays opened up the floodgates by offering to respond to any mail sent him during the month of October. Previous recipients of this offer hinted darkly at what he sends out…
Got my box yesterday, and I’m impressed.
In no particular order, the box was crammed with:
A tiny strawberry plant grow kit
Packs of seeds for forget-me-nots, carrots (packaged in a plastic carrot), and an herb garden
A small Whitman’s Sampler box
A tin of Altoids and a tin of cinnamon mints
An “It’s a Boy” blue bubble gum cigar
A laminated million dollar bill
A holographic picture of a tiger
A superball
A generic Swiss Army knife
A temporary tattoo of a Chinese character
A pack of magic cards
Valentine stationary and pencil
Some relighting birthday candles
A small Pirate Coloring book, with Santa Claus crayons
Watermelon Pop Rocks
A bumper sticker written in the Disney font that says “Disappointed”
A toy severed finger
A “Hello, My Name Is” sticker signed “Chuck Palahniuk”
An autographed picture of Chuck passing something — a french fry? a pretzel? no clue — to a chicken.
A small stuffed panda
A letter, which answers a few questions I posed in my letter and offers some useful writing advice about the problems I had mentioned with overediting keeping me from finishing anything long: “To keep your interest in a project — try to write about some deep personal issue, but hiding it inside a metaphor. That way, since it serves you as a form of therapy, you’ll come back to the work for a longer length of time. Until the personal issue is resolved, about the time you finish the book.” The letter also included some handwritten notes scribbled around the edges, and assured me that my Power Panda was enclosed.
2 CDs of Chuck reading his stories. Apparently there are a number of stories he is no longer allowed to read in public due to the number of complaints the bookstores receive, so he recorded them and sends them out at times like this. One CD was signed “To Chris “Heroin” Bridges,” and the other was stamped Prison Library Copy; both were autographed.
And there was confetti. Electric blue confetti. Which is now everywhere in my house. On my desk. In my bedroom. On me. I had set the box on a full laundry basket and my son went through it so now I have a pile of clean, folded, confetti-laced clothing. I opened the CDs in the car to listen to them and confetti spilled out all over my seat and floorboards.
I’ve gotten responses from authors before, some very personal and inspiring. But I’ve never gotten what he described as a “your own, private book tour event.” This is incredible. I can’t imagine how much this cost him in time and money — he said he was taking the winter off to do this — since other fans reported receiving more or less the same things, along with switchblade combs, signed books, different pictures, varying toys, different color confetti, etc. Everyone has been delighted with their Chuck box. I know I’ll never forget it, not for the rest of my life.
I can’t. This confetti will be with me, always.