Are you famous? Is your career slipping? Can you write at a preschool level? Congratulations! The world of celebrity children’s books is waiting for you!
And it’s a booming one. A genre once brutally dominated by quality, relevance and entertainment has been revitalized by celebrities who are making their mark in this highly lucrative field. Well, newly lucrative, anyway. Regular old children’s authors still don’t get squat but it’s their own fault for just writing all the time and not being celebrities.
This month Sir Paul McCartney’s “High in the Clouds” elevated him to the ranks of Madonna, Spike Lee, Billy Crystal, Will Smith, Jerry Seinfeld, John Travolta, Gloria Estefan, Maria Shriver, Henry Winkler, Shaquille O’Neal, Lynne Cheney, Sarah Ferguson, Martha Stewart, LeAnn Rimes, Bob Dylan, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Harvey Fierstein, Della Reese, Michael Bolton, Debbie Allen, Cindy Crawford, Keith Hernandez, Katie Couric, Dom Delouise, Bill Cosby, Jimmy Carter, Larry King, LL Cool J, Jane Seymour, Carly Simon, Jay Leno, Whoopi Goldberg, Carson Kressley, Jimmy Fallon, Britney Spears, Jimmy Buffet, Jesse Ventura, and His Royal Highness Prince Charles in the hearts of starry-eyed parents everywhere.
Sure, aside from showoffs Jamie Lee Curtis and John Lithgow most of them write simplistic, message-heavy, repackaged-comedy-routine-or-pop-song quickies, but who cares? Send it to your publisher and wait for Oprah to call! It’s even better than releasing a sex tape for instant press coverage and you don’t even have to worry about losing that weight first.
Just look at some of the upcoming celebrity children’s books slated for the Christmas season:
“Off the Rack,” by Paris Hilton. With perseverance and courage a young heiress finds the strength to ignore the peer pressure of her less-advantaged schoolmates and buy designer label clothes, which helps the economy way more anyway.
“I Can’t Write, Either,” by Rob Schneider. A wacky but misunderstood 2nd grade class clown proves that you can live your dream and entertain even when no one finds you very entertaining.
“Sally Sue Springtime Sparkles and the Industrial Society that Collapsed Due to the Unnatural Demands of Technology,” by Theodore Kaczynski. A bedtime manifesto that’s perfect for rainy day reading. 35,000 words.
“Thomas the Tranq Engine,” by Tom Cruise. After escaping from a den of wicked psychotherapists and their evil drug therapies, a troubled young boy finds solace on a secret island where anyone is welcomed no matter how different or wealthy they are.
“Bright, Shiny!” by Ashlee Simpson (with Jonathan McIntyre, Elizabeth Wee, Brian Griggs, Alexander Hough, and Bernice Lynn Partridge). A colorful, easy-to-flip, 6-page board book that your child will love reading to you.
“Brave Billy and the Pirates,” by Bill Gates. A plucky young boy finds himself in a lone fight against dastardly pirates who threaten to steal away everything he holds dear despite his valiant, unappreciated efforts. Encrypted e-book, available for Microsoft Reader only.
“How Did That Get In There?” by Winona Ryder. A touching tale of a young girl and her animal friends who find out that stealing is, apparently, wrong.
“Everybody Hates,” by Lamb and Lynx Gaede of Prussian Blue. Two perky, blonde, crime-fighting tweens battle against evil and miscegenation with the help of their purebred dog and their ghost friend, Heinrich.
“Whoa,” by Keanu Reeves. Deeply existential, this engaging philosophical work examines the wonder and impermanence of the world around us in a way that children can understand: by repeating the same word over and over. Sometimes twice. Illustrated.
“Are You There, Dr. Lazlo? It’s Me, Pam” by Pamela Anderson. A young Pamela struggles through her early development as she not only deals with what’s happening to her body but strives to make it happen faster and higher up, maybe with a little tweak in the cheekbones and a little tuck right around here, it’ll never show.
“The Flying Red Carpet,” by Joan and Melissa Rivers. A bit unusual in the children’s book line, as this book contains no plot or characters of its own but instead just fawns over all the other books.
Why aren’t you here? Call your agent! Call your publicist! Fire up the personal trainers! It’s time to hit the talk circuit with a vengeance to remind people you’re out there and you seem to like kids.
Oh, and you might want to write the thing first, or at least come up with a title. Makes the marketing easier.