Monday night Teres and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary in a singularly appropriate manner – by eating a lot and making fun of things.
We went to the Colorado Fondue Company in Casselberry to happily gorge ourselves. I confess to an ulterior motive: as long as I’ve known her, as much time as we’ve spent together, I’ve never managed to coax that specific sound of utterly satisfied delight that she emits when she eats a strawberry dripping with Amaretto chocolate.
When we arrived there Teres proved once again how well suited we are – she presented me with a present (a magnetic happyface that plays “You Are My Sunshine”) and this month’s Cosmo for us to make fun of while waiting for our food. It was time well spent. I no longer believe it is possible to think up parody versions of Cosmo articles that are stupider or funnier than the real ones. I’m not sure exactly what values they’re going by these days, except for the ones that state “The article better mention sex, no matter what it is, especially if it’s on the cover”. Hell, Playboy even has non-sex articles occasionally. But anyway…
Looking through the Cosmo and reading the articles on “What You Wish Your Man Knew” and “Secrets Your Mom Never Told You” and “What the Hell is That Thing on His You-Know, Anyway?”, I thought about the things I’ve picked up during my relationship with my ladylove. Oddly enough, none of them ever show up in any of the glamour magazine articles…
• It is not only possible to be both utterly dependable and completely unpredictable, it is essential. She must be able to trust in you and rely on you, but she should never really be sure what you’re going to do next. I find that bringing dinner home unexpectedly or carefully covering her in feathers while she’s asleep helps accomplish this nicely.
• I really can’t stress this enough – problems that blow up during her period are still problems. Once I dismissed something she said just because “she was on her period”. Once.
• Do what your lover asks for, even if they were kidding. Especially if they were kidding. A month ago she was heading out for groceries and asked if I wanted her to bring anything back. I aimed my attentions at her chest area and nodded happily. Two hours later she came back and presented me with the groceries and a pair of mismatched silicone bra inserts. I love her.
• There’s a little girl or boy somewhere behind those eyes, and they like attention on occasion. Tuck her into bed, give him a GI Joe for Christmas, serenade her by playing “Truly, Madly, Deeply” on a Fisher Price piano.
• Do not ever use roll-on body glitter on each other an hour before you’re to have dinner with her mother. Really.
• Always call. Call when you’re late, call when you’re early, call for the hell of it, call because you were fantasizing about her at work and you just need her to say the words “faster, Hector, faster” to cap it off.
• Make fun of other people. It’s great fun and it helps cement you together, in a sort of “us vs them” kinda way.
• Don’t be afraid to go over the top. Be wildly romantic. Don’t be afraid to flatter her or treat her like royalty in front of your friends. She deserves it and, if you need a more pragmatic reason, remember that she’ll sleep with you and your friends won’t. You should develop a romantic style appropriate to your personality (mine is a cross between Don Juan Demarco and Groucho Marx; think of Gomez Addams without the latino thing) but the cool thing is if you do it long enough, it becomes second nature. Which leads to…
• Aspire to be pussy-whipped. It should be your goal, your final achievement. Admit it, if she’d do the monkey thing with you whenever you wanted then you’d do anything for her, right? Do it first. Guys tend to lean towards the theory that “if she gave me some once in a while, I’d be nicer to her”. Read this along with me: “She might give you some if you’re nice to her”. In that order.
• Worship each other. Being pussy-whipped only works if it goes both ways (well, you know what I mean). He really should be the most important thing in your life, just as you should be the most important thing in his.
• Learn to appreciate her interests, no matter how lame they are.
• You can look at all the other women you want, just mock them when you do so. “Look at that one, you know she bought those titties cheap!” Meanwhile you get to get a good look together. It’s a bonding moment.
• Be fair. Don’t ask her to do anything you’re not prepared to try yourself, even if it’s specifically against the laws of god and man.
• When she mentions a store and you tell her something like “maybe we’ll stop by there tomorrow”, make sure you remember that you said that. Otherwise you’ll wake up the next day expecting to sleep late and then play basketball only to find that she’s already up and ready and has planned her whole day around the promised event, including travel times and lunch schedule. Follow through on your promises or don’t make them.
• Grab a towel and bring it to bed before you get started, you’ll appreciate it later. If you forgot, then whomever ended up on top has to get the towel.
• Learn to give back and neckrubs. More importantly, learn to give them without giving in to the irresistable impulse to grab her hooters. You can do that later, when she’s relaxed and can’t stop you.
• When you make sly and witty comments about oral sex, she knew what you meant. She’s just ignoring it and hoping you’ll forget. Let it go for now.
• Before beginning a romantic interlude with your lover, be sure to give your dog a rawhide chew.
I can only hope that these tips help others as they’ve helped me.