There’s good news for those of us who haven’t watched anything in the last two years that wasn’t streaming. The Emmys have marched proudly into 2002 by adding a new category, to be awarded later this month, in the field of “original entertainment programming created specifically for nontraditional viewing platforms,” which means TV shows that appear pretty much anywhere besides your actual TV.
Which makes sense, really. Why shouldn’t the fine creative work being produced for mobile phones, handheld devices, and the Internet get the same opportunity to be skipped, shunned, and shamefully robbed as the rest of the entertainment world?
Six nominees were chosen from the 74 entries submitted: ’24: Conspiracy,’ a spinoff of the insanely popular FOX TV show ’24’ created for the mobile phones of people who can’t bear the long minutes between the 687 times “24” is rerun every day; ‘It’s JerryTime!,’ an animated blog that follows the life of a 40-something single guy (i.e., the Internet); Live 8 on AOL, the massive worldwide music concert event that brought together thousands of performers to do what many said was impossible: make Bob Geldof relevant again; ‘mtvU Stand In,’ which features celebrities such as Kanye West, Natalie Portman, Bill Gates, John McCain, and Madonna as surprise substitute teachers at universities to make startled students suspect their drugs aren’t as cut as they thought they were; ‘Sophie Chase,’ an online police show directed by the man behind ‘The A-Team’ and ‘MacGyver’ and therefore in need of no extra jokes from me, and ‘Stranger Adventures: Helen Beaumont,’ an interactive puzzle contest that combines the fun of solving a puzzle with the excitement of checking your e-mail.
All worthy contestents. But only one category? Personally I’d rather see these shows rated against their counterparts in old-fashioned TV — they’d sweep the daytime Emmys, at least — but if they must be segregated let’s at least recognize the different classifications of quality available. I have a few suggestions.
Outstanding Achievement in Poorly Timed Buffering
Awarded to the broadcast with the most maddeningly placed interruptions of exciting scenes, as measured by number of angrily smashed monitors per capita.
Most Viral Video
One that crosses all the genres, this award goes to the persistently popular video clip that’s been sent to you over and over by your family, friends, coworkers, boss, creditors, pets, neighbors, and your old kindergarten teachers until your router and your brain have both melted in slag, because “man, you gotta see this.”
Outstanding Music Appropriation
The finest example of an “original” soundtrack that has been so heavily tweaked and altered it’s hardly possible to tell which copyrighted source it was swiped from.
Outstanding Performance by an Unwitting and Soon to be Mortally Embarrassed Actor/Actress
Previously won by such worthies as Star Wars Kid, Terrible Mr. G, and Unnamed Psycho Ex-Girlfriend, this coveted award goes to the performer who gives it his or her all for the ultimate benefit of millions of viewers the performer was completely unaware of.
Least Repellant Flash Ad
Could be a problem due to lack of entries, but it’s certainly a worthy goal.
Outstanding Lead Actor on a Teeny, Tiny Screen
Sure, anybody can look good on a 56″ high-def TV, but hey, let’s see you emote on an iPod, Denzel.
Outstanding Brokeback Mountain Parody
An overwhelming number of entries forced the creation of this category, replacing last year’s Outstanding MasterCard Commercial Parody.
Outstanding Performer in a NSFW Comedy, Musical, or Variety Show
This will be the one everyone will be arguing about, you mark my words.
And the final award of the evening:
Outstanding Achievement by Some Guy in a Basement with a Mac
Where we honor those quirky, anti-social, hygienically suspect individuals who manage to take $300 of used, off-the-shelf equipment and software and produce stunning works of complexity and beauty that makes WETA weep and ILF smash its mice. Easily the most satisfying award to watch, especially when the winner admits he did it all in three days and tearfully thanks his parents and the local Red Bull distributor.
The ceremony will be simulcast on TV and online and will be presented by the casts of “One Life to Live” and PvPOnline. Don’t miss it!