It’s no use. I’ve tried, over and over, for months now, but I just can’t make myself care about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. At least, not as a couple (which the media has dubbed “Bennifer,” suggesting some sort of unholy surgical experiment gone horribly awry).
I’m interested in their movie careers. To be honest, I’m only vaguely interested in his — I like roughly half of the movies he’s done, which isn’t bad, considering — and I’m much less interested in hers, since to my knowledge I’ve never seen or even wanted to see any of her movies. But the current, to-the-minute state of their nuptials has less relevance to my day-to-day life than… well, anything, despite the media’s best efforts. I’m surprised CNN didn’t embed a reporter into the wedding party to report live from the field.
Why are we (and here I’m using ‘we’ to mean everybody except me, of course) so fascinated by this stuff? How does it affect your lives? Does hearing about a famous breakup make you feel better about yourself? Does it cheer you up to see a beloved star in a new love affair? Are you fueling your fantasies? Placing bets? What?
My attitude towards celebrity relationships is much like my attitude towards roadside car accidents. I’ll glance over to make sure no immediate medical assistance is required of me, and then I drive carefully past. There’s nothing there I want to see and certainly nothing worth slowing down for.
Obsessive interest in celebrities and their doings is hardly new, and neither is my massive disinterest. I didn’t care about Britney and Justin, or Angelina and Billy-Bob, or Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie, or Bruce and Demi, or Jennifer Garner and What’s-his-name, or any of the many, many other widely acclaimed splits. I did keep an eye on the Prince Charles-Lady Di-Camilla Parker scandal when it was going on, but only because royalty was involved and that’s the sort of thing that used to start wars.
Now if by chance I met Ben one morning at IHOP and we started talking, I might offer advice and say helpful things like, ‘That J-Lo, huh? What can ya do?’ Otherwise, it’s simply not on my radar. I don’t pay that much attention to my best friends’ love lives, unless immediate medical assistance is required.
I understand that many people have been raised on Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Us Magazine and the ‘newspaper’ racks at the grocery store checkouts, and cutting loose from celebrity watching can be an agonizing ordeal, especially if Cameron Diaz is dating again. It can be difficult to go out and have a rich, fulfilling life when it’s much easier to watch someone else do it. And the primal need to gossip is strong in all of us.
So I’d like you to try and remember a few simple truths. I’ll type slowly.
It really doesn’t matter what an actor does when the camera isn’t rolling. Honest.
It really, really doesn’t matter what an actor does in his or her personal life unless it directly affects you, such as their hobby of standing on an overpass and shooting rear view mirrors off passing cars with a high-powered rifle.
The pictures you see of famous people are usually taken by paparazzi who have absolutely no interest in portraying celebrities unless they are drunk, violent, casually dressed to an alarming degree, or all three. This does not mean that the celebrity in question is commonly seen like that, with the possible exception of Russell Crowe.
There is absolutely no reason you should ever feel the need to listen to Joan Rivers. I never have, and I’ve had a happy life.
Amazingly enough, in real life celebrities look like people. They’re just shorter, older, and wider than they appear on the big screen, and they wear more makeup. And they’re every bit as prone to making mistakes as we are, e.g. Spy Kids 3, Glitter, and whatever movie Madonna’s trying to do now.
And if people paid as much close attention to their own relationships as they are to Ben and J-Lo’s, there would be a lot more happy marriages. Or a lot more happy divorces. Either way, there’d be fewer marriage counselors, and no need to ever read People Magazine again. And the world would be a better place for it.