A massive effort to combat the greenhouse effect by shifting millions of metric tons of money to Britain begins Saturday at midnight with the release of “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.” And, following my successful run of predictions from last time (I got nearly one right, go me!) it’s time to peer into the misty future to see what’s in store for the zillions of eager book buyers already camping out at Barnes and Noble.
While I won’t tell you the most shocking plot twists in the sixth book of author J. K. Rowling’s best-selling series of youthful wizardry — I didn’t think Hermione would turn evil until the final book — I can let you in on some of the other exciting events.
— The Half-Blood Prince is revealed to be Hagrid. Not as vital to the plot as you’d expect, it just means he gets half-price mimosas at Shakey’s.
— Harry and his schoolyard nemesis Draco Malfoy get handcuffed together in a zany turn of events and spend the book on the run from swarms of Dementors with southern accents and dogs. Hilarity ensues.
— The first third of the book is a compendium of all the things the movie fans need to know to understand what’s going on in the books, like who the heck Peeves is.
— The Half-Blood Prince is revealed to be Hermione, who’s apparently been keeping a secret or two from Harry, Ron, and everyone in the female dorms.
— The book is printed on Zippo Charcoal-Impregnated Paper (“Now Extra Flammable!”) to facilitate book-burnings.
— Harry’s parents are revealed, again, to be wonderful and good and kind and generous except when James was being a jerk. Also, Lily was hitting the bottle towards the end, there.
— The Half-Blood Prince is revealed to be Cedric Diggory. Oh, well.
— Harry finds the sword Excalibur wrapped in an ornate carpet in the back of a wooden wardrobe next to a brass lamp and a gold ring, just to burn off the plot devices Rowling hadn’t gotten around to yet.
— Since Harry Potter and other popular children’s books have done wonders in getting kids to read again, this time different subjects will be promoted by having Hagrid speak in Provencal French. Also, the startling, action-packed last chapter will be expressed entirely in mathematical notation, with space in the margins to show your work.
— Harry will be caught sneaking into the headmaster’s office to watch “Witches Gone Wild” in Dumbledore’s pensieve. Again.
— The Half-Blood Prince is revealed to be Mr. Dursley, but no one has the nerve to tell him.
— Hermione perfects the iSpell, a handheld device that can hold thousands of charms and curses while keeping the bearer both magically protected and incredibly trendy.
— The new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher is described as being “very like Johnny Depp, unless he’s unavailable, in which case he looks just like Christian Bale.”
— In preparation for the sixth movie’s surprise director Quentin Tarentino, Fred and George begin packing semi-automatic wands and muttering interesting new Latin phrases while Ginny uses an ancient katana to carve her way through the Slytherin wing, all to a retro 50’s soundtrack.
— The Half-Blood Prince is revealed to be Gandalf, because Ian McKellen didn’t have anything going on for 2008.
— A new spell, bittus torrencio, allows wizards to skip classes and just download them later.
— In the chapter written by “Biggest Fan” contest winner Lucy Lynn Harflooie, a new character is introduced named Lucille Brightlady who has great magical abilities and can read minds. She defeats Voldemort handily, vanquishes the army of Death Eaters, and does something really funny to Lucius Malfoy. Oh, and Ron and Harry are totally in love with her.
— Hermione, in her never-ending fight to bring equal rights to the magically downtrodden, discovers a secret warehouse where house elves are forced to make shoddy Harry Potter merchandise.
— The Half-Blood Prince is revealed to be Lord Voldemort’s little brother Skippy.
— Oh, and Harry discovers something new about his parents’ sacrifice that strengthens him for the battle ahead, yadda yadda yadda.
Warning! There were spoilers above, so don’t remember any of that if you don’t want to ruin the surprise! See you Saturday!