Tired of your worn-out playthings? Is your vibrator last year’s model? Does your leather harness lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
Well, I’m here to tell you all about the wonderful new line of sex toys by the friendly folks at Muff Diverse, Inc., the latest and greatest of the marital aid marketeers. Gather ’round, ye children, and let me show such wonders as you have probably never seen!
Your Plastic Pal Who’s Fun to Be With
Everyone should have a vibrator to call their own. Vibrators are ideal for face massage, soothing tired muscles in your instep, and… what was that other thing again? Oh, right, screaming orgasms. But you’ve had the plain jane model, you’ve got a drawerfull of the multi-color monstrosities in your bedstand, and your Magic Wand has lost its “new toy” smell. And they’re all so damn difficult to keep in the right place! As soon as you get one positioned and you start wiggling, it slips right off the mark and you have to start over again! Well, now, just wrap yourself around one of our new Humpin’ HogsTM! Battery-operated, variable speed, and best of all — handlebars! Rev up on this bad boy! The controls are in the grips as shown — once you’re seated you just pull back and ride! Folds up for easy storage, horn optional. If you prefer the real magilla, we also sell rubber attachments to slip over your own motorcycle’s oil cap. Start your engines! Motorcycle not included.
Or if you’d prefer to lie back and let your lover do the work, why not give them an extra little happy addition with the HummerTM, a combination dildo and kazoo! Great at parties; also available as a slide whistle.
If you’re getting tired of having to keep 10 or 20 different desk-drawer lovers around, why not throw them all away and pick up The PumperTM? Designed with the same space-age technology as the popular basketball shoe, The PumperTM can be hand-inflated to whatever size you feel is appropriate for the occasion. Don’t worry, it won’t get stuck> A quick press of the release and it returns to its original size — just another of our many safety features.
For those of you who are single and really miss the feeling of a relationship, might I suggest the ReaLoverTM? This dildo has been handcrafted to resemble a lifelike penis in more ways than one. Not only does it have SensiSkin (patent pending) and real human hair, but at random intervals it wilts completely. Doesn’t that take you back? For greater versillimitude you can try the ReaLover DeluxeTM — it vibrates violently for three minutes, stops abruptly, and begins snoring.
Safe, Sane, and Nonsensual
Safe sex is all the rage, what with those diseases and all, and we’re ready to capitalize on it.
Ever had that horrible feeling when it was time to put the condom on, but you didn’t seem to have anywhere to put it? Hey, it happens to every guy in the world at one time or another, especially the losers, but there’s no reason your lover even needs to know that your little partner didn’t show up. Just slip on the MasculatorTM, spin the wheel at the bottom, and watch with amazement as it extends to its full length, with or without you! Seven strips of whalebone line the interior, and an intricate gear and pulley system provides your partner with all the erection they need! Guaranteed 54% effective in preventing pregnancy and disease transmission, we think.
Disease can also be passed orally. Doctors recommend dental dams, those little squares of latex that can be placed over the vulva so that oral sex can be enjoyed without hazard of venereal disease. Wow, does that sound sexy or what? Why not surprise her with our fruit-flavored Tangy TonguersTM square fruit roll-ups that are thick enough to keep the bugs out but thin enough to let the good times roll! And that’s not all — they come with our special non-toxic markers (available in raspberry, lime and boysenberry) for all sorts of mouth-watering fun! Draw faces, let her map you out a game plan, draw a great big X and see if you can hit the spot!
And don’t forget JoyJuiceTM, our world-famous lubricant/breath freshener. You’ll never know how you did without. Now with fluoride!
I Bang the Body Electric
Just in time for the Millenium, MuffDiverse, Inc presents our new line of products for meaningful electronic relationships.
First there’s the Rosie PalmTopTM, our five-fingered keyboard. Easily surf the net and carry on the most intimate of conversations while leaving the other hand free!
There’s nothing quite as exciting as those early years when the both of you knew you could be caught at any moment, but you were so insanely hot for each other you couldn’t help yourselves. Those days may be gone, but you can recapture the moment with our audiotape series, “Impending Delight”TM. Go at it and hurry, while your CD player provides sounds of your dad coming into the house, your grandmother calling you for dinner, even your spouse taking a shower! Plus, if you order now, we’ll throw in our newest CD, “Love Enforcement”TM. 90 minutes of police cars pulling up, that tell-tale sound of someone walking towards you across gravel, and the thrilling noise of the flashlight rapping at your windshield! Also includes “Motel Security”, “Secret Service”, and “Border Guard”. In stereo!
To be a true dominatrix, you need that masterful whip action. But have you ever tried to get the hang of a thirty-foot bullwhip in the average city apartment? Those things need room, and a marked absence of breakables nearby. Now you can practice all you want with the handy WhiptendoTM. Designed after those little handheld electronic fishing games, the WhiptendoTM allows you to practice your whip action all you want without danger of breaking any windows or inadvertently smashing the cat’s head in. The LED screen keeps you informed of how close you came to the mark, and the WhiptendoTM even vibrates to let you feel the backlash. Over 300 possible sound efffects, from moans and screams to breaking glass to the classic crack of a perfectly performed snap complete the experience.
If you haven’t incorporated music into your sex life, you’re only getting half the fun. Music sets the tone, it guides your actions, and it can even help set the rhythm of your lovemaking. Take your lover to Funky Town with the latest creation from MuffDiverse, Inc., the Karenookie MachineTM! Not only can you load up to 100 different CDs for your varying moods, but the Karenookie MachineTM also uses the latest in monitoring devices to tailor your music to your experience. Just attach the telemetry patches to your skin, select the style of music you’re looking for, and the Karenookie MachineTM will speed up or slow down the tunes according to your heart rate and breathing. Choose from 25 different categories, including “Romantic”, “Action-Adventure”, “Gothic”, “Wagnerian Opera”, “Disco”, “Star Trek Battle Music”, “Polka”, and many more! You can also choose to allow random sounds, such as audience feedback (with a dimmer switch — choose anything from “Intimate Nightclub” to “Shea Stadium”) and humorous body noises.
Includes cables for video camera hookup. Order now and get the “Impending Delight”TM for half-price!
These are just a few of the offerings we’ll have for you next year. We have so many wonderful, one-of-a-kind products in the works — don’t miss the novelty marshmallow tampons or the fishnet stockings with vascular support , or our line of Extreme Sex safety devices — and we’d really like to see you using them!
MuffDiverse, Inc. — “We Make Bedtime Fun”TM