So, you’ve mastered the Art of Love. You are inhumanly aware of your lover’s erogenous zones, personal preferences, and secret desires, and you know unerringly when to be sweet and gentle and when to get rough. Every sex act, no matter how quick or spontaneous, ends in soul-satisfying simultaneous orgasms, and you are both capable of holding each other on the ragged edge of sweet release for hours at a time until you can time your explosions with the slow rising of the sun.
So why are you getting bored?
Simple, really — you need contrast. How can you really enjoy the heights of sensual mastery if you never have a bad fuck anymore? You can’t truly appreciate the hard-earned mastery of your own body if there’s no chance of losing it thirty seconds after you unzip.
But how can you relive those feelings of helpless fury, lack of communication, and determined impotence? We’re here to help. What follows is a list of suggestions for you and yours to add to your godlike sex life as an occasional reality check. Just rip each one from your monitor and follow the instructions.
Ancestor Worship
It is an age-old guideline that if you want to see what your wife will be like in her later years, you have only to look towards her mother. Now’s your chance to show your lady that you’ll still be deeply in love and lust with her in her declining years by spending the day emphasizing how attractive you find her mom. Discuss her probable future appearance (“Honey, I just love those crows-feet you’re getting! Rowff!”) and make sure she knows that you don’t care what gravity is doing to her.
At the end of the evening, surprise her by ducking into the bathroom and allowing her to see the sexy outfit you’ve laid out for her: purple jogging pants, an oversized Garfield sweatshirt, support hose, a pair of those nurse sneakers, and a shawl. Make sure you call out her mom’s name a few times, too. Just think how relaxed and flattered she’ll be!
Ingredients: old lady clothes, old lady shoes, Vick’s.
Hail, Hail, the Gang Was All Here
You know what your husband likes, and you know know how he likes it. But do you know what one of the best parts of his sex life is, the part he doesn’t share with you?
Telling his friends about it. Nailing a righteous babe like yourself, over and over again, just isn’t complete unless he can lord it over all his friends. You wouldn’t believe the sheer pleasure he gets from being the absolute center of attention when all of his drunken friends hang on his every word as he describes exactly what you do under the sheets. And you can help! What better way to prove your husband’s manliness than by showing all his friends how lucky he is? Do them all!
Pick a day when you know he’ll be out until evening, and then invite all his friends, one by one or in groups, to come sample what he’s been tapping. Just imagine how envious his friends will be, knowing that your man can get what they’re getting any time he wants!
That night, you can whisper to your man how much luckier he is than all of his friends, or at least all the ones you could reach. He’ll be bursting with pride!
Ingredients: a buncha guys, a few more, one of those “Take A Number” machines, a lot of beer, and one last guy, for luck.
Simultaneous Submission
Has your lady been dropping some interesting hints recently? One of the most compelling hidden fantasies is to be completely helpless and at the mercy of another for your sexual gratification, and this is a wonderful gift to present to your lover. But make it a surprise — some simple, fast-closing restraints can be purchased at any good sex shop or sub-code sanitarium, and you can attach them to the corners of the bed under the covers. Romance her all evening, seduce her into the bedroom as only you can, and lay her back amidst the sheets. Then, while she stretches languorously, swiftly snap the restraints around her wrists and ankles before she can react. As you stand away from the bed, I guarantee you’ll see the light of passion burning in her eyes as she tests the restraints one by one and smiles an anticipatory smile at you.
Disrobe, slowly, letting her fires build, and then quickly rush over to the closet doorway where you’ve attached four more restraints. Snap yourself in before you can react and then pull tightly until you can’t reach to release yourself. Now you’re both ready to enjoy the hot, pulsating explosion of complete submission.
Ingredients: A nice dinner, some mood music, eight scary-looking leather restraints, and an understanding neighbor within screaming range.
Tools of Power
Ever see that scene in 9 1/2 Weeks where Mickey Rourke blindfolds Kim Basinger and then feeds her right out of the refrigerator, not only exciting her but arousing every single woman in the theater?
Why should your man miss out on this?
However, most guys don’t react as strongly to the sensual possibilities of food (although they do like watching you eat an ice cream cone), so you need to take them somewhere where they can feel comfortable in their surroundings as you startle and tease them with unexpected sensations.
The garage.
Blindfold him slowly and tightly, making sure he can’t see, and kiss him lightly on the lips. Now take his hand, run it quickly and lightly over your own body to get his interest, and then lead him into the garage. The familiar scent of grease, hot metal, and kitty litter should inflame his senses. Take his clothes off, letting your hands tease him here and there, and then sit him down in front of the water heater. Now tantalize him with the sensual touch of everything on the garage shelves until he can’t take any more! Pipe wrenches tighten deliciously, belt sanders provide lip-biting friction, the claw-end of a hammer offers some intriguing possibilities, duct tape can keep him where you want him, and you’ll be amazed what a simple Black and Decker electric screwdriver can do to that bundle of sensitive nerve tissue, the prostate. Keep some kerosene handy for cleaning up.
Ingredients: an entire Sears Craftsman socket set, a wood vise, and the gallon size jug of WD-40. Yeah, baby!
My Little Hooker
Roleplaying is a great way to liven up your sex life, it says so in all the manuals. Wouldn’t you like to enjoy that heady thrill of picking up a strange woman for some no-frills, no-commitment, no-last-names fun? I’ll bet if you asked, your ladyfriend might be more interested than you’d think. She’ll have the excitement of being a mysterious lady of the evening, someone so sexy that men would pay anything for her, and in a perfectly safe situation. Let your imaginations soar!
Prepare yourselves separately and arrange to meet at a bar across town. Enter the room casually and order a drink, then look around and check out the merchandise. Hey, who’s that ravishing creature over there? Think she might be interested?
Flirt with each other at the bar and then escort her out to your car. You might be surprised how forward she is in the car. Drive her to a motel, sign in under a fake name while she watches and then carry her and the booze over the threshold. Do you notice the new edge to her arousal? Can you tell that pretending to be a wanton is just what she’s been wanting?
Once inside, close the door and lock it. Gulp down half the booze in one shot and then grab her by the hair. Rush her through a cold and heartless sex act, ideally one she won’t usually do, and remind her constantly that you’re paying for this. Now it’s time to break out the heroin!
Ingredients: one cocktail dress, a pair of stiletto pumps, 3 cans of hair spray, some quarters for the condom machine, and a fistful of crumpled twenties.
9-1-Wonderful!
A quick and easy one — want to make your man feel strong, animalistic, brutal? Today’s society prefers men to be gentle, sensitive, and calm, forcing your guy to constantly fight against hundreds of thousands of years of conditioning. Wouldn’t it be liberating to let his inner beast out, just once?
Help him realize his secret, unrealized fantasies of rape and sheer, overpowering, atavistic he-man behavior by playing it to the hilt. As soon as he walks in the door tonight, scream as loud as you can, claw him across the face, and run into the bedroom. Slam the door, draw the children close to you and call the police. If he gets in, make him fight for every pleasure. Throw all the fixtures at him, kick him in the goolies, and above all, never stop screaming. He’ll get an incredible rush of alpha-male dominance, briefly, until help arrives.
Ingredients: good lungs, pepper gas, a phone with speed-dial, and bail money.